“Don’t. Finish talking.”
“I’m going to tell you everything now, Adrian. I promise. But I need to explain something first. I thought maybe we could help each other. Maybe… it would bring us some kind of closure to talk to each other, but then I wasn’t sure if I should tell you and the longer I waited the harder it was because you turned into more than just the guy whose life was tied to mine in tragedy. You became… everything.”
I stop. My feet won’t move. I can’t walk as I turn my head to look at her. I feel nothing right now. Empty. Hollow. “How are we tied together? What the fuck ties us together that has to do with Ashton?”
Her eyes are soft and pleading, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t trust them.
“Don’t fucking play games with me. Tell me.”
Her eyes water again and there’s a part of me that wants to go to her. That wants to try and fix it, but I can’t. Not after this. Not when I know it’s somehow about to get a whole lot worse.
“My dad was supposed to be working out of town… but he wasn’t working. He was with his girlfriend.”
Two occupants in the car. Caucasian male driver and a woman.
“Where were they? Tell me where they were.” I feel like I’m cracking apart. One minute I can’t move and the next I can’t stay still. She hasn’t said anything, but I don’t need her to. I know. I fucking know, but I need to hear it, too, even though I don’t want to hear it.
She nods. Tears stream down her reddened cheeks. Her ghosts have multiplied, reflecting in each and every one of those tears. “I’m sorry, Adrian. I’m so very sorry.”
I fall back against the wall. It holds me up. The room blurs. “Say it. I need you to say it.” I don’t know where the words came from. How I got them the hell out.
“Adrian.”
“Say it!” I yell.
“My dad… it was him. He was going too fast. He’d been drinking. His girlfriend distracted him.”
I’m shaking. Rocking back and forth. “And?” “What are we going to do tonight? I need out of the house.” I lean against the door while I stand on the porch. I look over at Ash as he walks around the front yard.
“They were messing around. They weren’t paying attention around the curve. They drove into the yard. And…” A cry breaks free. I can hardly understand her as she speaks. “And he hit him. He hit Ashton.”
A scream jerks out of me. I yell until my throat burns. My legs collapse from under me. My head drops back against the wall as I sit there, legs out in front of me. There’s nothing left. I’m gone…
All this time, Delaney knew.
“Chase! Let’s play chase!”
I look over at Ashton and he smiles. It hits me in the chest, the way he looks at me. It always does. Like I’m the king of the fucking world or something. “I gotta go,” I say into the phone.
“Yay! Let’s play, Daddy!”
Tires wail. A car flies toward the yard. Ash’s smile. His big fucking smile and his big brown eyes that I see every time I look in the mirror, looking at me like I can do anything. So fucking happy just because I’m going to play with him. His whole future ahead of him. Happy. He’s so fucking happy as I see the car come at him.
Happy because he thinks we’re about to play. Happy because he loves me even though I don’t deserve it. Happy because he’s perfect, and I didn’t protect that perfect. Because he doesn’t know what’s coming.
“Noooo!” I don’t even make it to the porch stairs by the time the car hits him. His tiny body flies through the air, lands in front of me. Blood… so much blood.
“Nooo!” I fall. Pick his little body up. Broken… he’s so broken. He’s not smiling. He’s gone. That quickly, he’s gone.
I push to my feet as the driver stumbles around my yard. My fist connects with his face over and over. Wanting him to bleed like Ash. People come out of their houses. Rip us apart. Neighbors scream.
“Ash! Ashton! No. Fuck no! It’s not right. He’s okay.” I get out of my neighbor’s hold and run to him. “Let’s play. I’ll find you. Wake up. I’ll find you if you wake up.”
“Adrian?” Delaney’s voice is quiet next to me. She’s kneeling beside me, her hand on my shoulder. “Adrian? Are you okay?”
“She got pregnant when I turned sixteen. Just some girl I met. Tina. Another fucked-up decision by me.” I hear my voice, but it’s like I’m not controlling it. It feels like someone else is speaking my truth.
“Who? What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t know until she was about to have him. I was sixteen fucking years old and she comes to me nine months pregnant and says he’s mine.”
“Oh God…”
“He was always mine… I knew just by looking at him. And then she fucking gave him to me.” My eyes are still forward. I don’t move. Don’t look at her. I’m not even sure I’m here. Nothing but words. Words I’ve never told anyone. “Angel had to save me like she always did. When we were kids, she took beatings for me. Then she took me to live with her. And then she took care of my son. Just like Tina gave him to me, I fucking gave custody of my son to my sister. Who does that?”
“Adrian. No. I didn’t know! But you were there. You didn’t leave him. You tried to do what was best for him.” She’s sobbing so hard it’s difficult to make out what she’s saying.
“I let him die.” Fire laces my words. It all comes back to me. Her coming here to find me. Knowing who I was. Knowing what happened. Lying. Making me love her. Knowing what I lost. “Your dad killed him.”
I push away from her and to my feet. “I let my little boy die! The only fucking person in the world to ever look at me and not see all the things I did wrong. All he ever, ever wanted was love from me!”
My hands fly out as I shove the few things off my dresser, then knock it to the ground. Delaney jumps back.
“Don’t. Adrian. Let me help you. I’m so sorry. Let’s just—”
“Fucking help me!” I kick over the bedside table. The lamp crashes to the floor, but somehow the light doesn’t go out.
I rip the blankets from the bed. Throw the pillow. And grab his shirt. His little shirt that belonged on his two-year-old body. I clutch it to my chest.
And cry. Fucking cry. Wail. Scream.
“I killed him. I let him die. I want him back. I just want him back.”
Delaney tries to come toward me. “Get out,” I say, and then I’m in a ball on the floor holding Ash’s shirt.
“Adrian. I’m sorry, so, so sorry.”
I can’t look at her. I’m seeing his smile. Still crying. So many tears. I haven’t cried since the day I let him die and now I can’t stop it. Her dad did it. He was laughing and drunk and screwing around with some woman as he took a corner and killed my son. My son. My boy, Ashton.
* * *
“Adrian… you all right, man?” Colt’s voice.
The light’s gone out now. I have no idea how long I’ve been lying here. I lift my head. Colt is crouched next to me. The light from the hallway shines down on Cheyenne, who’s waiting there.
“You okay? Delaney called us.”
“Her dad killed my son,” tumbles out.
Cheyenne gasps, then covers her mouth.
“Fuck,” Colt curses. “Son?”
I see the pity in his eyes and I fucking hate it.
“Come on, man. Let’s go. Come with us. We’ll figure this out.” He grabs my arm and tries to help me up, but I jerk away and sit up, still clutching Ash’s shirt.
“I gotta get the fuck out of here.” As soon as I’m on my feet, Colt is too.