He slowed as we approached the headstone. This wasn’t going to be easy on him, but it was something he had to do.
“Do you know what the worst part about dying at seventeen is?”
Instead of answering, I waited for him to continue.
“It’s not missing out on graduation or going to college. It’s missing out on being in love.” I stared at him, wondering why he thought that. It wasn’t the typical guy answer. Most guys would’ve said the worst part was dying a virgin. Was Matt a virgin?
“I never got to experience the kind of love my mom said only teens can have. The kind that consumes you. Makes you do stupid crap, and you don’t even care because someone else thinks you’re the greatest thing on earth.”
He wanted that with me. The thought tore me up. He’d died kissing me, falling in love with me. And I’d just told him I was leaving him. “You know, we technically never broke up.”
“I know. I just kind of figured the relationship is assumed over when—”
“One person dies?”
I was thinking when one person kills the other, but his way was nicer. I turned away. This was getting way too emotional for me to handle.
Matt stepped closer to me and lifted my chin.
“Matt, don’t.” My voice shook, and his touch brought goosebumps to my skin.
“I know I said I wouldn’t do this, but I’m desperate.” He looked me in the eyes. “Pick me.” His words were like a knife to my heart.
I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say, but his lips came crashing down on mine. His arms wrapped around me, lifting me off the ground. I froze for a moment, but as Matt continued to kiss me, I felt myself giving in. My eyes closed, and I kissed him back. We may have been in two completely foreign bodies, but together we were still Matt and Jodi. We fit. We made sense. We had great chemistry.
We stayed like that for several minutes, only pausing long enough to take a breath every once in a while. Then, I heard sirens approaching. I pulled away and saw the glow of red and blue lights coming toward the cemetery. They’d spotted the stolen car.
“We need to get out of here.” I pulled Matt with me out the back exit and through the houses. I could easily get to my house from here. I’d done this exact route the night of Matt’s funeral. But I didn’t want to go home. I wasn’t ready to. Still, I found myself ducking into my backyard, behind the shed. The exact spot where Matt had attacked the bunny.
We sat with our backs against the shed, catching our breath.
“I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t fun.” Matt smiled at me. I knew he meant the part about us kissing more than the part where we ran from the cops. I was completely leading him on by making out with him on top of his grave like that. God, what was happening to me?
“Look, about what happened…I’m confused. I don’t know how to handle this double life I’m living right now.”
“You still have feelings for me.” He said it so matter-of-factly.
“Yes, I do. I won’t deny that, but I love Alex. I can’t deny that, either. I need time to make sense of what’s going on with me.” I leaned my head back on the shed. “I need you to stop kissing me. I can’t control myself around you.”
“Yes, you can. There have been plenty of times that you stopped me from kissing you—before all this and now.”
That was true. Before I ran away with Alex, Matt and I had missed out on plenty of opportunities to kiss each other, and mostly because of me. And there was the incident outside the grocery store. I’d resisted the urge to kiss him then.
“You gave in to that kiss in the cemetery because you wanted to kiss me. I know you won’t kiss me without wanting to, and I’m not about to stop you if it’s what you want.”
Man, that was confusing. “You think I brought that on in the cemetery? That was all you.”
“You didn’t stop me. You kissed me back.”
“I know, but you started it. You have to stop that. If I kiss you first, then have at it. Go nuts. I give you permission. But if I don’t, please…”
I hated putting these rules on our relationship. It wasn’t fair to him. It wasn’t fair to Alex. Hell, it wasn’t even fair to me. I was losing it.
“Is this a game to you?” He looked beyond hurt.
“No. I know I’m screwing up royally. I suck at being two people. You don’t deserve this.”
“Want to make it up to me?”
Now if it were Alex who’d asked that, I’d assume he wanted to make out again. But Matt wasn’t Alex. He had more self-control, most of the time anyway.
“What can I do?”
“Make me a sandwich. This Brian guy has the same appetite I had.”
I laughed, relieved he’d said something to break the tension.
“Your mom should be at work, right? I didn’t see her car in the driveway.”
“Yeah. We can go in the back way. There’s a hidden key in the lantern.”
Matt stood up and gave me his hand. Always the gentleman. He followed me to the back door, and I reached inside the lantern for the spare key. Even though I knew Mom wasn’t home, my hands shook as I turned the key in the lock. I was going inside my house for the first time since I’d killed my mom and Alex had brought her back to life. How different would my home look? Would my room still be the same? Would there be any evidence at all that I’d lived here?
Matt put his hand on my shoulder, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. “I’m right here with you.”
I nodded and turned the doorknob. The kitchen looked the same. The table was set with four green placemats. The counter still had a bowl of fresh fruit. That was a good sign. Mom had moved on, continued to live without me.
I walked to the refrigerator and pulled it open. I gasped when I saw several packages of chicken, more green peppers than I could count, and two bags of onions.
“What’s wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.”
Yeah, the ghost of our last meal together—or at least the meal we’d been preparing when I’d cut myself and bled on Mom, stopping her heart.
“She keeps making the meal we were cooking the night…” I couldn’t say it.
“Maybe it’s not as bad as you’re thinking. There’s some steak in there, too. Maybe the chicken and stuff is just her way of keeping you around, you know? Remembering the good times.”
“Except it wasn’t a good time.” My throat burned as I sucked back the tears, refusing to let them out. “She died, and I left.”
“Does she know she died?”
“I don’t know. Alex brought her back, and we left before she came to.”
“So, maybe she’s making the meal over and over, hoping you’ll come back.”
Ugh, this was torture. Worse than I’d thought.
“You could tell her the truth. I believed you. She’s your mom. I’m sure she’ll believe you, too. You could get a second chance. We both could.”
I closed the refrigerator door and walked over to the table, slumping into one of the wooden chairs. “Please, don’t use this to try to make me choose you.”
“You know that’s not what I’m doing.”
I did know that. It wasn’t Matt’s style. He genuinely wanted me to be happy, to have another chance with my mom, to be human again.
I had to know how far this went. How much my mom was holding on to the memory of me. I stood up, letting the chair squeak across the floor.
“Where are you going?” Matt’s eyes darted back and forth between mine.
“My room.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
I didn’t care at that point. I had to know. I took the stairs two at a time, with Matt right behind me. My bedroom door was shut. I hesitated. Thankfully, Matt didn’t push or try to convince me not to do this. He waited patiently, letting me make up my own mind.