She sighed. “Yes, it is. And I almost missed it.”
“Because of your job.”
“Yeah.” And then she talked about that too, about the pressure she felt to succeed, the need to prove to her family she could do it too, her dad the CEO of a big successful company, her brother Scott already a VP of a major bank in Vancouver and even Michael, only twenty-eight, owned his own computer consulting business that was making him big bucks. She talked about the problems of fitting in at the law firm, the old boys club.
“You always wanted to be one of the boys,” he said, letting his hand wander down over the curve of her butt.
She laughed. “Yeah, that’s true.”
“But you’re not one of the boys, Kyla.”
She lifted her head. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean…” He gave her a slow grin. “I wouldn’t be here with you like this if you were a boy.”
The corners of her mouth twitched upward. “No, I guess not.”
“Seriously. You have some amazing qualities. Feminine qualities. You don’t need to be one of the boys to be successful. You couldn’t keep up with us when we played football or baseball or when we waterskied. But you had all of us wrapped around your little finger.”
“I did not!”
“Sure you did. Remember that time you wanted to enter the sandcastle building competition? You had us all hauling buckets of sand and water and running around doing your bidding. And we loved it.”
She went still against him.
“Maybe fitting in with the guys at work isn’t the way to go. And Jesus, Kyla, if it’s making you have panic attacks…”
She met his eyes again and her throat worked. “I’m fine.”
“But is it what you really want?”
Kyla glared at him. “Why would you even ask that? Of course it’s what I want! I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise.”
“Sometimes what we think we want isn’t necessarily what’s right for us though.”
She frowned at him. “What do you know about it?”
“I don’t know anything about practicing law. But I know that you showed up here all pale and scrawny and immediately passed out on the lawn.”
“Scrawny!”
He grinned. “Sorry. I take that back. You do look kinda thin, but you know I think you’re gorgeous. But you’ve been having panic attacks and you don’t have time for fun or exercise. That’s not healthy for you. You don’t even apparently have time for family since you weren’t even going to come up here this week.”
She didn’t mention the headaches and stomach troubles she’d been experiencing for months. “It’s what I’ve been working for my whole working life.”
“No reason you can’t change direction.”
“I don’t want to change direction. This is what I want.”
“So you see yourself working at that law firm for the rest of your life? What’s the name of it? Dewey Cheatham & Howe?”
She blinked, then burst out laughing. “Oh my god. It’s Ingram Howell Grant. And yeah, I guess I do.”
“What about a family? Getting married and having kids.”
“I can do both.”
“Of course you can, but will they support you in that? From what you’ve said, it didn’t sound like they were all that supportive of you taking time off to be with your mom when she was sick. Will it be any different when you have kids?”
She couldn’t answer that. There weren’t a lot of female role models at Ingram Howell Grant. “I’ll be a ground breaker,” she said. “Once I’m partner, they’ll have to respect me and what I need.”
“Oh yeah?” He lifted an eyebrow. “You think that’s going to change just because you make partner? How do they make you feel now? Like a future partner? Or like you’re a production machine? Do you feel valued? Or like you could be replaced?”
She didn’t like those questions, and she had a sneaking suspicion it was because she wouldn’t like the answers.
“Do they expect you to always choose the firm over your personal life?”
“They say they respect work-life balance. And that sometimes personal things take priority. But…” She stopped, remembering the resentment she’d sensed when she’d taken time off to be with her mom, despite the words that had been said.
“Do you respect the senior partners at the firm?”
“Of course I do.” Except when they went golfing and dumped work on her desk. “Oh just drop it, Tag,” she said crossly. “I’m not all up in your business. I could ask you the same questions. You seemed pretty stressed last weekend. You didn’t want to come up here either.”
“I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I could. Yeah, I’ve been a little stressed with this whole move and the fact that we had a crappy season last year. I’m part of the team and I’m responsible for that and now coming back here, I know I have a big role to play in the PR aspects of it. But here’s the difference…I love it. I love what I’m doing. I completely respect my new coach and the new team owners. Like you, I’ve worked my whole life for this, but I still love what I’m doing, every minute of it. And I’m not sure you do.” He bent his head. “I’ll admit there have been times in my life I’ve been scared about what I’d be able to do if I couldn’t play hockey anymore. It’s good to be single-minded and focused on what you want, but that made me think―what if that’s taken away from you? Because it can happen in a heartbeat. For me it could be a bad check—a head injury or my knee destroyed again.” She remembered he’d been out for months a couple of years ago with a knee injury.
“Don’t say that,” she said, for some reason her stomach cramping at the thought of Tag being hurt.
“It could happen. I have to face reality. For you, it could be going back to the city and discovering they named someone else partner. Then what would you do?”
She didn’t know. She hadn’t even wanted to consider what would happen if she didn’t make partner. Would she stay on at the firm? Go somewhere else and start all over? What would be the odds of making partner somewhere else? “I don’t know,” she said quietly.
“I also have to face the reality that my hockey career is going to end a long time before your law career will. Then what will I do?”
She looked at him. “You’re pretty practical, aren’t you?”
“That makes me sound boring.”
She moved her head side to side. “No, you’re hardly boring, Tag.” Not boring. Right now he was being annoyingly thought-provoking. He was making her think about things she’d been pushing to the back of her mind.
“Who’s your competition?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I know how competitive you are. Is there someone else competing for partnership?”
She lowered her chin and regarded him. “Yes. But that’s not what it’s about!”
“Isn’t it? You’ve been competitive your whole life, Kyla. I’ve seen you do things you didn’t really want to just to fit in with the guys, just to compete with us.”
Her insides burned all the way up to her throat. She swallowed.
“I admire that about you,” he continued softly. “You’re determined and strong. You always have been. I have no doubt you’ll succeed at this. I just think you need to take a step back and consider if it’s really what you want.” He smiled. “I’ve seen how happy your mom has been this week with her three kids and her grandchildren around. Family’s important.”
“You don’t spend much time at home.”
He eyed her curiously. “Forechecking, Kyla?”
She frowned at him.
“Forechecking—checking in the offensive zone with the intention of gaining control of the puck and setting up a scoring opportunity. Feeling a little defensive? Going on the offense?”