"That's Eleanor," I said. "She died before I was born but she helped me crack a case." She did a lot more.
The portrait once belonged to the man who murdered Eleanor. He's dead now, too. He doesn't need the painting anymore. I do. Eleanor makes a better sounding board than Dean, the Dead Man, or the Goddamn Parrot. She's seldom judgmental and she never gives me any lip.
Blondie said, "We understand you're often involved in unusual affairs."
"I'm a lightning rod for weird stuff. Thanks, Dean." The big tray carried the right number of cups, cookies and muffins, and a steaming pot of tea. The boys exchanged glances, nervous under Eleanor's piercing gaze and Dean's stern disapproval.
Dean left. I poured and asked, "What can I do for you guys? Really."
They exchanged glances again.
"Look, boys, I'm working hard here." The Goddamn Parrot squawked in my ear. "If you just need a place to get in out of the rain I recommend Mrs. Cardonlos' rooming house up the street. On the other... "
"Awk! Queen bitch! Queen bitch!"
"It's not raining." Literal-minded clerks.
"Stow it, bird," I growled at the Goddamn Parrot.
My visitors exchanged looks again.
This could go on all day.
7
The blond said, "I apologize, Mr. Garrett. We were cautioned that we might find you unconventional and should try to become comfortable with that before proceeding."
"Puny penis!" the parrot squawked.
I snarled, "You're going into the sack again, you animated feather duster."
The brunette smiled insincerely. "Is that ventriloquism? When I was little I had an uncle who could—"
"Why does everybody ask that? No. This devil-spawn of a seven-color jungle pigeon does it all on his own. He's got a vocabulary bigger than yours or mine and every word is foul. Fowl. Maybe there was sorcery done him sometime. I don't know. He was a gift. I can't seem to get rid of him."
"Pencil dick."
Now nobody was smiling. Again I thought about choking the Dead Man, only what good would that do? Strengthen my grip?
The blond said, "My name is Carter Stockwell."
So we were going to do business after all. "I'm not surprised. And you?"
"Trace Wendover."
"Of course. Hello, Carter and Trace. Sure you don't want a talking parrot? Cheap? Make a great holiday gift for the kids."
Garrett, once again I must caution you against antagonizing these men.
"No? All right. I made my sales pitch. Your loss. You guys make yours. Or go away."
"We were told you might be ill-mannered." That was the darker one. Trace.
Carter said, "Our mission is to interest you in contributing to our cause."
"Right now I've got about six copper sceats to clink together. The only cause I'm going to contribute to is the Garrett household supper fund."
"We don't want money. Please. Give us a chance to talk."
"You've been here ten minutes. You haven't said anything yet."
"You're right. We are Free Company men. Black Dragon Valsung." Carter watched for my reaction.
"What's that?" I asked.
Trace countered, "You don't know the Dragons?"
"Sorry." Heeding the Dead Man's advice I forebore remarks that might betray my feelings about those quasi-military gangs called Free Companies. There are so many of them that not having heard of a particular one was no big deal.
"Our leader is Colonel Valsung. Norton Valsung." I got intent looks from both pretty boys.
I shrugged. "Doesn't ring a bell, guys. He must have been army."
Carter began to puff up. He'd caught the slight. Trace, though, was made of sterner stuff. "Yes, Mr. Garrett. Colonel Valsung was army. He commanded the Black Dragon Brigade." Trace tossed him a warning look but he continued, "You would be impressed if you were to review his record."
No doubt. War does tend to expose men for what they really are. "Wouldn't be a relative, would he?"
"My uncle."
"The ventriloquist? I recall several colonels who were masters at putting words into other people's mouths."
"No, Mr. Garrett. Not that uncle."
"We're getting somewhere now. We have a colonel who isn't a ventriloquist. What does your uncle the nonventriloquist want with me?"
"Your peculiar combination of talents and expertise, both from your service and your career since."
I didn't get it. "You need a Force Recon guy with experience ducking vampires and sorcerers and tracking wayward wives to help you beat up old dwarves and crippled ratmen?"
Garrett!
Both of my visitors turned red. But Carter was out in front because he'd gotten a head start. Trace said, "Mr. Garrett, we do not roam the streets assaulting people. We are a veterans' mutual assistance brotherhood, not a street gang."
"The other day a veteran, who'd done five five-year hitches, three in the Cantard, was almost beaten to death right outside. He'd won eight decorations, including the Imperial Star with Swords and Oak Leaves. In one battle he lost half of his left arm and most of that side of his face in a blast from a witch ward. He's in the Bledsoe now. He probably won't get out alive. Those butchers won't pay any attention to him. He doesn't have any money. Go down there and mutually assist him. His name is Brate Trueblood."
"But the Bledsoe is a charity hospital, isn't it?"
"You didn't grow up in TunFaire, did you? In this town charity is available only to those who can pay for it."
"No. That's ugly." Trace seemed genuinely touched. Carter obviously didn't care but was cooling down. "That's exactly why we have to band together."
"But there's a problem, Trace. Brate was a real hero and as good a soldier as ever soldiered. Unfortunately, he made one really huge, stupid mistake."
My visitors looked at me expectantly.
Garrett, please! Stop now. The Dead Man seemed almost to despair.
"He was so stupid he picked an ogre for one of his grandparents."
It took them a while to catch on. I watched their eyes narrow and go shifty as they figured it out. Carter was slowest but he was the first to stand up. He told me, "You have the wrong idea." And, "Trace, we're wasting our time here."
"You're not wasting your time, Carter," I said. "I just want you to understand that nothing is black-and-white." I tried to hold Trace's eye. He seemed to be mulling my parable. "What did you guys do down there? You were clerks, right? Your uncle got you some safe assignment, right? Trace? Carter? You had an angel, too? So who do you suppose did more to defend and preserve the Karentine Crown? You guys or my ugly quadroon?"
Carter said, "You really don't know what's happening, do you?" And that actually seemed to please him.
I left my chair, moved to the office doorway. "You aren't wasting your time, guys. I'm right behind you. I just need to know how to reconcile the Brate Truebloods."
Trace started to say something. Carter squeezed his arm.
In moments those earnest young men were back in the street. Carter, I was convinced, would ignore my story, which was true only in a moral sense anyway. There really is a Brate Trueblood but he was just a small hero and the thugs who jumped him didn't put him in the hospital. Ogre blood made him hard to hurt. But these two creeps did want Brate in the Bledsoe. Or worse.
I might have done the devil's work with Trace, though. He looked like a young man who might, on occasion, actually have a thought.
I whistled as I bolted the door, blissful in my ignorance.