My emotions are running high, and I'm not used to the feelings that course through me. Suddenly, the thought creeps in that I'm too damaged for him to ever want to be with me. And what if I'm just another girl to him? I can't do this. I realize that I'm feeling too much, and he now has the potential to hurt me.
I push my hands against his arms, and he pulls back."I'm sorry," I barely whisper, keeping my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed to look at him.
He continues to hold me tightly in his warm arms. "Look at me, Candace," he breathes out.
I take a second before I hesitantly open my eyes and look into his. Supporting himself above me on one elbow, he takes his hand and brushes the back of his fingers along my face.
"I don't want you to feel sorry for that."
Another small noise escapes me as I nod. I can't speak, because holding on as tightly as I am to keep my tears from falling is taking up all the strength I have. So, I wrap my arms around him, clinging to his warmth, to the belief that I didn't just do something stupid—clinging to my hope that he won't hurt me.
Leaning down and resting his forehead against mine, I can't help myself when I tilt my chin up and gently kiss him. His lips fall slowly onto mine, pushing my head into the pillow. I cup his face between my two hands before he languidly pulls his lips from mine. Lying back on his side, he pulls me into him, and for the first time in my life, I let someone besides Jase hold onto me through the night.
My legs are tangled with Ryan's, and he's lying behind me with his arm draped around my waist. His warmth is wrapped around me and although I feel nervous about seeing him after our kiss last night, I also feel relaxed in his arms as he sleeps.
My stomach is full of butterflies, and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. What does this all mean? I wish I knew where his head was at, what he's thinking. At the same time, I feel like I'm not guarding myself like I probably should be. What if that kiss didn't mean anything to him? What if that's something he just does with any girl? Did he feel what I felt?
Taking in a deep breath, I hold it and try to clear my head of all these jumbled thoughts. When I let out my breath, I open my eyes and see two round blue eyes staring into mine.
"Night night over."
"It's not over, Bailey," Ryan mumbles behind me in a sleepy raspy voice.
I look at Bailey, Ryan's two-year-old niece, and give her a grin.
"I eat bweakfast. Night night over," she says to me in her sweet toddler voice.
"Okay," I whisper to her as I start to wriggle my way from underneath Ryan's arm.
He pulls me back down and with his eyes still shut says, "Where are you going?"
"To go get her something to eat." I slide out from under the pile of blankets and walk to the dining room while Bailey follows.
Pulling out a chair for her at the table, she takes a seat and says, "I eat ceweal."
"Sounds good. Where's the cereal?" I say to myself as I walk into the kitchen and open the door to the pantry. I scan around and see a box of Cookie Crunch.
"How about this?" I ask her as I hold up the box.
A big smile covers her face, and I start opening and closing cabinets to find her a bowl.
"The kid's things are in the cabinet by the fridge," Ryan says from across the room.
I look over my shoulder at him as he is walking toward me. His hair has a messiness to it that just adds to his appeal. I shake off the thought and turn around to pour the cereal in the bowl.
I walk over to the table and set it in front of the little girl and then peel open a banana for her as well.
"Fanks," she says around a mouth full of cereal.
When I walk back into the kitchen, Ryan is starting a pot of coffee. The house is quiet and we are the only ones up.
"Want some?" he asks as he is opening the cabinet to grab the mugs.
I lean back against the counter opposite of him and nod my head. I don't know what to say to him, and I'm a bundle of nerves as I watch him move around the kitchen.
"Umm, I'm gonna sneak upstairs and get cleaned up." I need space to regroup and watching him move around wearing nothing but a loose pair of pajama pants is way too distracting for me.
"Here," he says as he pours the creamer in my coffee and adds one sugar.
"Thanks." I take the cup, and avoid eye contact. What am I doing? Why does this make me so uncomfortable? Even the fact that he remembers how I take my coffee feels like too much.
It's always been difficult for me to connect to people, to let them in. Jase says it's because of the lack of affection I had when I was growing up. Maybe he's right. I've only ever truly let one person in—Jase. Guys have always made me feel awkward. I don't know how to respond to affection, and I wind up feeling embarrassed and shy. For the first time, I don't want to feel that way. Not with Ryan. Maybe it's because he has seen a part of me that no one besides Jase has.
Fighting with my parents has been my life. I am used to the chilled air that surrounds them. But having Ryan witness that, and then watching me fall apart, is something that no one has seen. I've always kept that hidden within me.
"Hey," he says, and I am snapped out of my thoughts. "You okay?"
No. I'm confused. I don't want to be, but I am. What happened last night? What did that mean?
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get ready before everyone wakes up."
"Okay."
I turn and make my way upstairs and quietly sneak into his room, careful not to wake Madison.
I take my time showering and getting ready, needing to pull my thoughts together before going downstairs. Yesterday was overwhelming, being around Ryan's large family. I am so used to calm and quiet. I can already hear the kids playing as I slip on my jeans and one of my old UW sweatshirts. Wrapping my hair on top of my head in a messy bun, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.
"Come in," I say. When the door opens, Ryan walks in and leans up against the sink right next to me. I look over at him while I'm swiping on some lip-gloss and start putting everything away. He watches me as I pack my things up, and when I pass him, he takes me by the waist and pulls me in.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Nothing. Really."
Cocking his head slightly to the side, he says, "You wanna get out of here for a while?"
Without thinking too much, I nod my head.
He takes my hand, but this time it's different. He laces his fingers through mine and leads me downstairs. Everyone is moving about, eating breakfast, and tending to all the kids. He walks us into the formal dining room where his mother and cousins are sitting. I see Donna's eyes go straight to our hands, and I quickly try to pull my hand away, but he grips me tighter.
"Good morning, Candace," she says as she stands up and gives me a hug. "How did you sleep last night?"
"Good, thank you."
"Hey, Mom, we're going to go to Indian Beach for a while," Ryan tells her.
"Oh, okay. Well, the girls and I are heading to Astoria for the day to do some shopping, so we won't be around. But the guys are going to stay here with all the kids."
"What are the plans for dinner tonight?"
"The kids really want Fultano's Pizza," she says.
"Text me when you're driving back, and we'll go pick it up," Ryan tells her.
"Thanks, dear." She leans in and kisses him on the cheek. "You guys have a good day."