He walks right up to me and scoops me up in his arms. I love it when he holds me like this, I think he gets a kick out of how light I am and picks me up often. I wrap my arms around his neck and giggle as I look down at him.
"You've got a lot of ballet shit in here," he says, and I can't help but laugh at him.
"Yeah, I do."
Leaning my head down, we spend the next few minutes kissing each other. He is always so patient with his kisses, never rushing. It's perfect. He walks over to my bed and lays us down. He doesn't push to go any further than kissing, and I thank God for that because I don't think I am capable of doing anything else. He just holds me.
"What time do you have to be at work?" he asks.
"At seven. I have to close, so I won't be home till midnight."
"Come to my place tonight."
"I don't...I," I stumble over my words, not really knowing what to say, but stop trying when I hear Ryan chuckle at me.
"Why are you nervous? You've slept with me for the past two nights."
"Stop laughing at me," I say as I nudge him in the ribs. "And that was just a little different."
"Why?"
"Because your mother was there."
He starts laughing again, and I know he's not doing it to be rude, but I'm scared. This makes me nervous, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I'm sure most girls wouldn't have an issue with this. Most would be doing more than kissing like a couple of kids, but I don't know what I'm doing, and this scares the shit out of me.
When he realizes that I'm no longer talking, he shifts over me, and in a more serious tone asks, "What's going on?"
I shake my head, because what could I possibly say to a twenty-eight-year-old man that isn't going to sound completely pathetic.
"Talk to me."
"I don't know what to say," I tell him honestly.
"Say what you're thinking, babe."
"I told you that I don't do this well. I just...I don't." Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and continue, "I don't do this, I'm..." Shit. Why can't I get my words out without sounding like an idiot?
"Open your eyes. Don't hide from me." When I look at him, he brushes his hand through my hair and says, "We'll move as slow as you want. But, I want you in my bed tonight. I want you next to me."
"Okay," I whisper.
"I want you to talk to me though. I need you to tell me what is going on in your head. I'll never judge you."
God, why does he have to say these things to me? His words pierce through me and melt me, but they also intimidate me. How can I be open with him when I have never opened up to anyone besides Jase?
He brings me out of my thoughts when he says, "I'll never hurt you. I just need you to trust me."
I nod my head at his words, but how can I trust him like that when I don't trust anyone?
"Come on," he says as he stands up and pulls me off the bed. "I have to run and take care of things at work. You'll come over tonight." He doesn't ask, he just tells me. Not allowing a response, he leans down and kisses me before leaving.
After I unpack, I call Jase. I need to talk to someone about everything, and when he answers the phone, I break at the sound of his voice. My emotions are all over the place, but Jase is my rock, and I really need him right now.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't really know where to begin. I wish you were here. I just really need you right now." My voice trembles as I try hard not to cry.
"Sweetie, you're scaring me"
"I think I may be getting in way over my head with Ryan."
"What are you talking about? What's going on with Ryan?"
Not sure where to begin, I just start rambling uncontrollably, and I'm sure I'm not making any sense. "He kissed me, and I kissed him back. We've been sleeping next to each other. He told me he wants to be with me, and I foolishly agreed. Now we're back home, and he wants me to spend the night at his place. And I just have no clue what the hell I'm doing. And you're not here. And I'm freaking out. And..."
"Whoa, you have to slow down," he cuts me off. "Go back. He kissed you?"
"Uh huh."
"What happened?"
"It was late Christmas night. We were lying down, and it just sort of happened. I don't know. We just kissed, then we fell asleep together."
"Well, how did you feel when you woke up?"
"Really confused. I mean, I know we've been hanging out a lot, but I feel like I don't know a whole lot about him. And then everything Mark told me about all the girls started freaking me out."
"But he told you he wants to be with you?"
"Yeah, we went to the beach, he just came out and told me, and then I agreed with him. We ended up sleeping together again. And then his mother was insinuating that he's talked to her about me in the past, and that kinda intimidates me."
"Why?"
"What do you mean? You know I have zero experience with this shit. I have no clue what I'm getting myself into. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm scared."
"What are you scared of?"
"Everything. He hasn't done anything more than kiss me, but what happens when he wants to do something else? Knowing what Mark told me, I feel like I just can't handle this. I'm scared he's going to touch me, and then what?"
"Ryan doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would push you."
"What? How do you know?"
"Because, he told me how he feels about you."
"What?!" I squeal out. "When?!"
"He called me Christmas Eve to tell me what happened with your parents. He told me that he's been having feelings for you for a while and wanted to know if he was wasting his time."
"What did you say?"
"I told him I thought he should tell you. But I told him not to fuck with you if he wasn't serious, that you've been dealing with a lot, and that I didn't want to see you get hurt."
I'm shocked. My heart is racing, and I don't know what to say.
"Candace?"
"Yeah, I'm here. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm telling you now."
"Don't joke with me, Jase."
"Because if I told you, you would have never let this happen. You would have completely shut him out, and you need to start living again."
"I have been living."
"You've been existing. There's a big difference."
His words cut into me. I can continue to make excuses, but I know he's right. Tears well up in my eyes, and when I sniff, Jase is right there with me.
"Don't cry, Candace."
"I'm scared."
"I know. But it's okay to feel that way. You have to feel this. You have to start opening yourself up again."
"Am I going to lose you?" Wow, that came out of nowhere. But, I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after this year. Plus he's with Mark now. What if Mark gets a job out of state? Will Jase go with him? What if Jase gets a job out of state? And where will I get a job?
"Never. I promise."
"I want you to come home."
"Two more days. Don't cry. It'll be fine."
"Okay."
When I hang up the phone, I take a deep breath and pull myself together. I throw a load of laundry in and repack my bag before heading out to work. I try not to think too much about all the possible outcomes of what I am getting myself into. I like Ryan, and Jase's reassurance gives me the push I need to move forward, to try to open up to him. That's all I can really do—just try.