She leans back and takes another sip of her drink. "That's understandable."
Last week I decided to tell Roxy about Jack. My therapist told me that the more I deal with it, the easier it will become, and the less power it will hold over me. She's right. It was hard, but not unbearable. I did it, and I was okay.
"Jack's dead," I slip out.
Almost choking on her martini, she shouts, "What?!"
"God, you're loud."
"Sorry," she says, and then whispers, "What?" in exaggeration.
"Yeah, last night. Car wreck. Kimber called and told me. I went for a walk to try and calm myself down, and I wound up at Ryan's house. I shouldn't have gone there. I know it only hurt him to see me again, just to have me walk away."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I don't know. I was a mess."
"Shit," she says as she sits back and downs the rest of her martini.
"I'm ready to move on though. I'm ready for New York."
She shakes her head at me, and I ask, "What?"
"I don't think you are."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. Forget it. I'm happy for you. I'm gonna miss the crap out of you."
"I'm going to miss you too."
"You think you'll come back?"
"I honestly don't know. I have no idea where my life is going to take me. But I think I am finally ready to explore it on my own."
I take one last look around the room that has been mine for the past three years. The walls are bare and everything that is mine is now in boxes sitting in storage. I dropped my car off at Kimber's parents' house last night. They are going to keep it in their garage until I figure out what I'm going to do with it. I already shipped out my boxes, and they should be waiting for me to pick up when I arrive in New York later tonight.
"You ready?" I turn to see Jase walking into my room, and he sits down on my stripped bed.
"I'm sad," I say as I sit down next to him and lean my head on his shoulder.
"Me too. I can't believe you're leaving."
"I know. Me either." My chest aches knowing I will soon be leaving everything I know and hopping on a plane to go where I don't know a single person. Jase has always been my rock. He's my best friend, and I swear he's the breath that kept me going this year. I'm scared to not have him.
Jase is moving in with Mark next week. They both got jobs here in the city and since Mark's roommate is moving out and he'll have the place to himself, he asked Jase to move in.
Kimber also got a job at a local magazine working in the marketing department. She told me she refuses to get another roommate, but that's just her being stubborn. She told me she didn't want to live with anyone if it wasn't me.
"Hey, guys. We need to leave soon," Kimber says as she stands in my doorway. She looks around my room and shakes her head. "This shit makes me sick." She walks over and sits on the other side of me. I still feel so guilty for wasting all that time not speaking to Kimber. I wish I could get every second back.
"Have you even told your parents where you're going?" Kimber asks.
"No. I haven't spoken with them since Christmas Eve. And when I never heard from them on my birthday or graduation, I figured, why bother?"
"That really sucks ass," she says.
"Yeah."
She wraps her arm around me and Jase does as well. Kimber is the first one to break down and start crying and I follow shortly after.
"I'm going to miss you guys so much."
"We are too," Jase says. "Come on, girls, we need to head out."
Jase stands up, walks over to my two large suitcases, and starts wheeling them out of the room. Sitting alone with Kimber, I say, "I'm so sorry that I didn't trust you enough to talk to you. You're my sister, and I shouldn't have avoided you like that."
"Candace, you have already apologized enough for all of that. It's okay. It's in the past."
"I hate that I'm leaving just as we are talking again."
"I know. Me too." She gives me a squeeze before standing up. "We'd better go."
The drive to Sea-Tac Airport is a quiet one. No one speaks, and the somber mood is thick in the car. I sit in the front seat with Jase and grip his hand the whole way there. I never thought I'd leave him. I never thought I'd be strong enough to. I keep reminding myself that this has always been my dream. This was the goal all along. I just got really sidetracked this past year.
Ryan keeps breaking through my thoughts. I tell myself moving will lessen the pain I feel every time I think about him. I know once I get to New York that I will be busy learning the ropes at ABT and learning a lot of new choreography. I'm already jittery thinking about it.
When Jase pulls the car around to the departures drive, I can feel the fear in the pit of my stomach. I tighten my hold on Jase's hand, and when I do, he looks over at me. "You're going to be fine. Everything is working out the way it should."
I nod at him, unable to speak, and he smiles at me. He pulls up to the curb, and the three of us get out of the car. I turn around to hug Kimber and breakdown at the same time she does.
"I love you," I choke out and I feel her nod her head in response. We hold tightly onto each other and when we finally loosen our hold, I turn to Jase and just fall into him and cry. His arms have been home for me. He's everything to me, and my heart breaks to think about not having him. He kisses the top of my head and says, "I'm so proud of you. I'm going to come visit you in a few weeks, okay?"
I pull back and nod my head. As soon as I accepted my offer in New York, Jase booked a ticket to come visit me at the end of June. So, I only have a few weeks until I see him again.
We all say our goodbyes and cry a little more before I grab my bags and wheel them to the luggage counter to check them. Once they are checked, I make my way through security and walk to my gate. My mind is consumed, and a part of me wants to hop in a cab and run back home. I start doubting myself, and I'm not sure I can do this alone. Maybe I should have taken the job in Seattle. If I did that, everything would be different.
I sit down on one of the chairs facing out the window. My plane is already here, and I watch as the carts drive up next to it with everyone's luggage. My insides are twisting with anxiety. I think about how everything has changed in the past two months, ever since the morning the detective called. It took me a while to understand why Ryan did what he did. Dr. Christman helped me sort out all of my thoughts and I know, in Ryan's mind, he only did it because he didn't want to hurt me. I know he never meant to deceive me, and in my heart I have forgiven him.
Going to New York has always been my dream, but now that it's actually happening, I'm suddenly questioning if it still is. Would I be this sad if it was? Shouldn't I be happy? I wonder if I should even be doing this. Maybe I'm just stuck on the dreams of my past. Dreams change; maybe mine has. I thought I had everything planned out, but this year took me in a completely different direction. Meeting Ryan and falling in love was the last thing I ever expected. The last thing I thought I ever deserved.
I've been working so hard in therapy, but now I think this whole New York thing is just something I'm forcing, to try and prove to myself that I am strong enough to do it, to stop clinging and be independent. But what if what I am actually clinging to now is the dream? A dream that really isn't my dream anymore. Because when I close my eyes it's never there. It's Ryan. What if the choice that takes the most strength is not the choice to get on that plane, but the choice to know that I shouldn't get on that plane? I snap out of my thoughts when realization suddenly hits me. What am I doing?