“You are my—”
“But when you’re near,” he continued, and the interruption shocked Levana more than anything else that night. A guard never interrupted a member of the aristocracy, and certainly never a member of the royal family. “… my thoughts get all messed up again. You look like Solstice, and I get confused. My heart pounds so fast around you, but not in a happy way or a loving way. It’s as though my body belongs to someone else and I can’t keep my hands off you, even though I know how wrong it is. Stars above, I could be executed for this!”
“No! No, I would never let that happen to you.”
“But you’re the one doing this to me.”
She froze.
“Aren’t you?” he whispered. “This is all a manipulation. A trick played on the poor, weak-minded guard.”
Levana shook her head and scrambled closer to him, pulling his hands into hers. “I don’t think of you like that at all.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because I love you! And you love me, but you’re too honorable to—”
“I don’t love you!” he screamed, and the words struck her like a thousand shards of ice. “Or at least … I don’t think I do. But you’ve got my mind so turned around I can hardly tell what’s real anymore.”
She attempted a gentle smile. “Don’t you see? That’s what love is supposed to feel like. All these conflicting emotions and bouts of passion that you can hardly control, and this constant twisting feeling in your stomach like you can’t decide if you want to run away from that person … or if you want to run away with them.”
His face was tense, like he was trying to hash out his words before he yelled again.
“You’re wrong, Princess. I don’t know what you’re describing, but it isn’t love.”
Tears pricked at her eyes. “When you said that I needed protection from you, I didn’t think that you intended to break my heart. When I have given … when I would do anything for you, Evret.”
Pulling away from her, he curled his fingers into his thick coils of hair. “That isn’t my intention, Princess. I don’t think you understand what you’re doing, how wrong it is. But this can’t continue. In the end, you’ll grow tired of this charade, and I will be punished for taking advantage of you. Don’t you see that?”
“I told you, I won’t let that happen.”
He dropped his hands. “And you think the queen will listen to you?”
“She’ll have to. She herself has had countless affairs with royal guards.”
“She is not sixteen years old!”
Levana wrapped her arms around herself like a shield. “You think I’m just a naïve child.”
“Yes. Naïve and confused and lonely.”
She forced herself to hold his gaze. “And what about beautiful?”
He flinched and looked away.
“You also find me beautiful, don’t you? Irresistible, even?”
“Princess—”
“Answer me.”
“I can’t.”
“Because I’m right.”
He said nothing.
Levana swallowed. “Marry me, Evret.”
His eyes snapped back toward her, horrified, but she plowed on. “Marry me and you will be a prince. She cannot touch you.”
“No. No. Solstice … and my darling Winter…”
Her heart stuttered, and she was surprised at how quickly her jealousy returned, how much it hurt. “Winter? Who’s Winter?”
He laughed without humor, pulling both hands down his face. “She’s my daughter. You believe that you love me and yet you haven’t even asked what I named my one-month-old child? Don’t you see how insane that is?”
She gulped. Winter. Solstice. Though they did not have seasons on Luna, she knew enough of the Earthen calendar to be familiar with how the words fit together. She remembered, too, the little baby blanket, embroidered with a snowy scene.
He meant to never forget his wife. Not for as long as he lived.
“Winter,” she said, wetting her lips. “Your daughter will be a princess, with all the riches and privileges afforded to a girl of her station. Don’t you want that for her?”
“I want her to be surrounded by love and respect. Not … not whatever games the people in that ballroom come up with to entertain themselves. Not whatever it is you’re trying to do to me.”
Clenching her fists, Levana strode forward so that she had to tilt her head back to look at him. “Winter will have a mother, and you will have a wife. And I will love you both better than she ever could have.”
Shaking with fury and determination, Levana marched around him, back toward the palace. It took him a long time, but upon realizing that the princess could not be left unprotected, he followed.
* * *
The resistance started to leave Evret after that, and Levana hoped he was beginning to forget his wife. Or—not forget her—but forget that she was a different woman altogether. His eyes frequently took on a hollow stare when he was in her presence, and when other members of the court were nearby, he was as unreadable as some extinct first-era alphabet. He gave away nothing. He could have been a stranger.
Which she knew was wise of him. He’d been right before. If her sister wanted to accuse him of taking advantage of the princess, it would be in her right to do so. Levana wasn’t worried about it, though. Channary had her own romantic conquests to worry about and, besides, she had been making eyes at older men since she was even younger than Levana was now.
No, she was not worried.
Especially in those moments when they were finally alone. Those borrowed spaces of time when he was hers, entirely hers. She began to loosen her mental grip of him, little by little, and to her relief and her joy, his response to her only became braver. His hands more possessive. His caresses more daring.
The first night they spent together, he whispered a single word into her hair.
“Sol…”
Simultaneously filled with pain and pleasure, joy and rage, Levana had grit her teeth and held him closer.
When the dome brightened over the white city the following morning, Levana let him sleep until the servant entered to bring her breakfast. Mortified and distraught, Evret lay in bed, frozen, while Levana ordered the servant to cut and butter her rolls. Slice her fruit. Prepare the tea that she had no intention of drinking.
When the servant had gone, Evret scrambled from the sheets. She saw the moment when he took in the spots of blood on the white cotton. How quickly he turned away. How hastily he pulled on his clothes, muttering curses beneath his breath.
Sitting up against her feathered pillows, the tray settled across her lap, Levana dropped a berry onto her tongue. It was sour. Channary would have called for the servant to take it back, and the thought crossed her mind, but she buried it. She was not her sister.
“Not this,” Evret said, without facing her. “I didn’t think you would push it this far. I didn’t think—” He fisted a hand into his hair, cursing again. “I’m so sorry, Princess.”
She bristled, annoyed, but tried to play it off as a joke. “For leaving before breakfast?” Levana cooed. “I will have another tray sent for, if you’re hungry.”
“No. My daughter … she’ll have been with the nanny all night. I hadn’t planned on…”