"It was partly because we stopped doing things together," he said. "We used to do so much together. We used to sleep together, travel together, ski, skate, sail, go to concerts, we did everything together, we watched the World Series and drank beer together although neither of us likes beer, not in this country. That was the year Lomberg, whatever his name was, missed a no-hitter by half an inning. You cried. I did too. We cried together."
"You had your fix," she said. "We couldn't do that together."
"But I was clean for six months,” he said. "It didn’t make any difference. Old turkey. It nearly killed me."
"Six months is not a lifetime," she said, "and anyhow, how long ago was that?"
"Your point," he said.
"How are you now?"
"I'm down from forty milligrams to ten. I get methadone at nine every morning. A pansy deals it out. He wears a hairpiece."
"Is he on the make?"
"I don't know. He asked me if I liked opera."
"You don't, of course."
"That's what I told him."
"That's good. I wouldn't want to be married to a homosexual, having already married a homicidal drug addict."
"I did not kill my brother."
"You struck him with a fire iron. He died."
"I struck him with a fire iron. He was drunk. He hit his head on the hearth,"
"All penologists say that all convicts claim innocence."
"Confucius say.
"You're so superficial, Farragut. You've always been a lightweight.
"I did not kill my brother."
"Shall we change the subject?"
"Please."
"When do you think you'll be clean?"
"I don't know. I find it difficult to imagine cleanliness. I can claim to imagine this, but it would be false. It would be as though I had claimed to reinstall myself in some afternoon of my youth."
"That's why you're a lightweight."
"Yes."
He did not want a quarrel, not there, not ever again with her. He had observed, in the last year of their marriage, that the lines of a quarrel were as ritualistic as the words and the sacrament of holy matrimony. "I don't have to listen to your shit anymore," she had screamed. He was astonished, not at her hysteria, but at the fact that she had taken the words out of his mouth. "You've ruined my life, you've ruined my life," she screamed. "There is nothing on earth as cruel as a rotten marriage." This was all on the tip of his tongue. But then, listening for her to continue to anticipate his thinking, he heard her voice, deepened and softened with true grief, begin a variation that was not in his power. "You are the biggest mistake I ever made," she said softly. "I thought that my life was one hundred percent frustration, but when you killed your brother I saw that I had underestimated my problems."
When she spoke of frustration she sometimes meant the frustration of her career as a painter, which had begun and ended by her winning second prize at an art show in college twenty-five years ago. He had been called a bitch by a woman he deeply loved and he had always kept this possibility in mind. The woman had called him a bitch when they were both jay-naked on the upper floor of a good hotel. She then kissed him and said: "Let's pour whiskey all over one another and drink it." They had, and he could not doubt the judgment of such a woman. So bitchily, perhaps, he went over her career as a painter. When they first met she had lived in a studio and occupied herself mostly with painting. When they married, the Times had described her as a painter and every apartment and house they lived in had a studio. She painted and painted and painted. When guests came for dinner they were shown her paintings. She had her paintings photographed and sent to galleries. She had exhibited in public parks, streets and flea markets. She had carried her paintings up Fifty-seventh Street, Sixty-third Street, Seventy-second Street, she had applied for grants, awards, admission to subsidized painting colonies, she had painted and painted and painted, but her work had never been received with any enthusiasm at all. He understood, he tried to understand, bitch that he was. This was her vocation, as powerful, he guessed, as the love of God, and as with some star-crossed priest, her prayers misfired. This had its rueful charms.