She walks over to the couch and sits down, not even bothering to take off the flimsy hoodie that is supposed to keep her warm. Her eyes are focused on her lap, and she is wringing her hands in a way that tells me she is trying to warm them up. “What’s going on, Maddy? I need you to talk to me.”
Nothing.
“Either you say something, or I’m going to assume you’re in shock and call 911.”
She finally looks up from her lap and into my eyes. Her tear-stained cheeks and red eyes told me all I needed to know. She needs me, but I’m not sure I have anything left to give her. Then she says the words I’ve wanted to hear since the first time I met her. “I love you.”
I put my hand on her cheek and she winces. That’s when I see it; her cheek is red and I don’t think it’s just from the cold. Anger rolls through me because I know where this came from. I need to hear it from her though. When I look into her eyes, I see sadness and fear, but also a little spark of hope and love. This is my chance.
“I love you, too, baby. I’ve loved you since the first day you fell into my arms. What happened tonight? How did you end up here?” She looks at me for what seems like forever before she finally answers me.
“Please tell me it’s not too late.” I look at her in confusion. Too late for what? “Carter, I love you. You’re the one I want. Please, tell me that it’s not too late for us. I know I’ve hurt you, but if you just give me another chance…”
I feel like I’m dreaming, like she isn’t really here and saying the things she is. “I love you, Maddy, so much, and I’ve dreamt of hearing you say those things. However, before this goes any further, I need the whole story. What about Chris? Why are you here now, dressed like this and crying?”
She is staring at her lap again. I lift her chin up and meet her beautiful hazel eyes. She starts sobbing, so I reach over and pull her onto my lap. She rests her head against my chest, and the tears just kept flowing. I rub her head and sit silently until she is ready to talk to me. After about a half-hour, she stops crying.
“I left him.”
“When? What happened?”
“I don’t think I can talk about this right now.” Is she kidding? I have to know. She needs to tell me now because it can’t be as bad as what I’m imagining in my head. At least, I hope it’s not.
“Baby, listen, I understand you’re upset and exhausted. I need you to tell me what’s going on, and then we can go lie down.”
“Can I take a shower first?”
Fuck. Why did she need a shower? I hope it is because she is cold and wants to warm up, because if it was because he touched her or hurt her, I am going to lose it.
“Why do you need to shower first? Talk to me, Maddy. What happened?”
She looks as if she is going to start crying again. “Carter, I promise I’ll tell you everything. Just, please, let me shower.”
“Okay, whatever you need. Just, please, don’t be long.”
She walks off to the bathroom without another word, and silently closes the door. A couple minutes later, I hear the shower turn on. Now I was left with nothing but my imagination, and that is a dangerous thing.
Madison
I opened the bathroom door and his head immediately snaps up to look at me. When he sees I am only in a towel, I see a fire in his eyes that warms me from the inside out. “I didn’t bring anything with me. Do you have something I can sleep in?” He is still staring at me. “Carter?”
“Uh...yeah. Let me find you something.” He starts going through his drawers, looking for something for me to wear even though I know anything he gave me would be obnoxiously huge. He gives me his favorite USC shirt, sweatpants, a pair of his boxers, and socks. “If you need a sweatshirt, I can grab one for you.”
I would rather have him keep me warm than a sweatshirt. “No, these will be fine, thanks.” I turn back to the bathroom so that I can get dressed.
“Maddy, wait!” I turn back around and Carter is walking toward me. “Turn around.” I do as he asks me to and feel him reach around me. I look down and see he is putting my necklace on me. “I hated that he gave that back to me, and it killed me when I thought you didn’t want it.”
“Carter, I was so upset when he did that. I’m so happy you gave it back to me.” I stand up on my tiptoes and give him a kiss, then walk back to the bathroom to get dressed. When I come out again, he is lying on the bed against his pillow with his eyes closed. Is he asleep? Should I just go and lie on the couch, and we could talk in the morning?
“Are you just gonna stand there and watch me, or are you gonna join the party?” He opens his eyes and gives me one of the smiles that make my heart burst.
I climb into bed with him and settle onto his chest. He puts his arm around me and holds me like he is scared I’ll disappear. Maybe we could just stay like this and he’d forget about us having to talk.
“If you think I’m going to just let you fall asleep without talking, you’re crazy.”
Damn, he always knew exactly what I was thinking. It is one of the things I hate and love about him at the same time.
“Okay…I’ll tell you, but I want you to just let me talk. No questions and no interruptions until the end.”
“That’s fine, baby. I just need to know.”
“When Chris and I got home tonight, he knew something was up with us. As soon as we walked into the house, he started drinking and he was just standing there staring at me. I went to change into my pajamas and when I came back, he hadn’t moved. After he drank half the bottle, he looked up at me and said…”
I really had no idea how I was going to get through this story. My nerves were so on edge and I feel like I might break down at any minute. “…he asked me if I slept with you and I told him no. I said that nothing ever happened between us, but he didn’t buy it. He said that, even if nothing happened, you wanted me and that was not okay because I was his. He told me that if I felt nothing for you and really loved him, I needed to prove it to him and if I didn’t, he’d make sure I regretted it. He said if I ever even thought about leaving him for you, he’d kill you. He made me go into the bedroom and get undressed. I just stood there watching him, feeling like none of this was real. This couldn’t really be happening to me. He told me to get undressed because I was going to prove to him how much he meant to me. I told him I didn’t feel good and really just wanted to go to sleep, but he smacked me and told me he didn’t give a shit what I wanted.” I said all of that in only a few breaths, trying to get it out as fast as possible.
I feel Carter’s whole body tense beneath me. I don’t know how I am going to get through the rest of this. I sit up because I can’t lie with Carter when I tell him what happened. I just pray to God that he didn’t hate me for it. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I can feel Carter’s eyes on me, but I know he is trying to respect me and give me my space.
“He threw me onto the bed and, I swear Carter, I didn’t want to. The only way I made it through was by pretending it was you, that it was your hands on me and not his. Once he was done, he rolled over and I lay there until he passed out.”
I took a second to catch my breath because I felt like everything was closing in on me. I was rocking back and forth just to have something to do. “When I was lying there, all I could think about was you. I was going to tell you how much you meant to me tonight at the social. I was even going to ask you to help me get away from him. I was scared, though, and I acted like a coward, but lying there in that bed after what he did, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I waited a while, just to make sure he was really asleep, and I left. I didn’t want to risk getting clothes or anything like that, because I didn’t know what would have happened if he woke up. I’ve known for a while, really since the first time I met you, that it was you I wanted to be with. But I was scared to leave him. If I’m being honest, I’m petrified of what will happen when he wakes up. He has been violent almost our whole relationship and I just don’t know what to do now. I understand if you’re mad at me, or if you don’t want to be with me anymore. I just need you to know that it’s always been you.”