“They say that a lot of times girls can break their…their hymen when they’re really active with sports and stuff. My gynecologist was actually the one that pointed it out to me during one of my visits. She told me I was lucky because whenever I did decide to have sex it wouldn’t be as bad as it is for other girls.”
I think I know where this is going, but I’m not sure if I believe that Jason would take her virginity in a dorm room while they were drunk. He was a player and could be an ass sometimes, but he isn’t like that. “Nic, what are you telling me?”
“Jason is my first, Mads, but I don’t think he even realized it.”
“You didn’t tell him?!”
“No! Truthfully, I trusted him and it just felt right. I thought he’d just know. I mean, isn’t it their job to know? Although, it probably didn’t help that we were both really drunk. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone...no note, no goodbye, nothing.”
I can see how hurt she is. Nicole had wanted Jason for a while and when she finally got him, he acted like nothing happened. I know there is no way J had any idea about Nicole. I doubt he even understood how into him she was. “God, Nic, I’m sorry. I really don’t think that Jason had any idea, though. You should really talk to him and tell him how you feel.”
“That’s just it, Mads. I did. I talked to him a couple weeks ago and told him that I wanted to maybe see where this thing would go.”
I can see her eyes starting to well up. “What did he say?”
“He said that he had a lot of fun that night, but he wasn’t interested in anything more. He wanted to make sure that we’d still be cool, because we’re all friends. I told him that we were fine, but I’ve been avoiding him ever since and I feel like he’s doing the same thing.”
I am going to smack that boy right upside his head when I see him. J and I had talked about his commitment issues before. I’ve seen the way he looks at Nicole when she is around, and I could tell he liked her. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to push her far away enough that she isn’t going to come back.
“If it’s worth anything, Nic, I’ve talked to Jason before and he has serious commitment issues. I see the way he looks at you and I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want anything with you. I can’t tell you all the details because, really, it’s not my story to tell, but he avoids getting close to people so he doesn’t need to deal with them leaving. Maybe if you show him you’re not going anywhere, he’ll come around.”
I can see her trying to process all of this information. Nicole is stubborn, though, and she isn’t going to chase after Jason for long. “Okay, I can’t talk about this anymore. How are you?”
“I’m great! Carter and I had a great Valentine’s Day yesterday. Classes are rough, but it’s really not anything I can’t handle.” She is giving me the look she gives when she knows someone is bullshitting her. “What?”
“Listen, I understand that what happened on New Year’s was traumatic, to say the least. You need to talk to someone about it. Carter told me that every time he tries to talk to you about it, you change the subject. This isn’t healthy, Mads. You need to get it out. You can’t keep everything inside. I know for a long time you didn’t have anyone to talk to or anyone who cared, but you do now.”
I hate that she is right. Every time Carter tries to talk to me about it, I can’t bring myself to do it. “What do you want me to say, Nic?”
“I don’t want you to say anything, ho. I just want you to talk to me, yell, and get mad if you need to. I want you to stop pretending like it wasn’t a big deal, because it was.”
Most people don’t get Nicole’s sense of humor and probably would’ve gotten offended by the ‘ho’ remark but, to her, that was like calling someone a friend. “All right, you win. It scares the shit out of me. Half of the time I have dreams where Jason didn’t find me, and I imagine all of the things that could have happened. I’m scared to go out again because I have no idea how whoever it was put something in my drink.”
“See, now was that so hard?” I laugh because she’s always had a way of helping cheer me up. “I know it’s hard, babe. I truthfully don’t know how they did it, either. It doesn’t help that they haven’t caught the asshole. What you need to understand, though, is that keeping it inside won’t help you. Carter talked to me the other day and he’s worried about you. You need to talk to him and let him know what’s going on.”
“I know. I’ll talk to him, I promise.”
Chapter Thirty Two
Carter
“Listen, J, you need to start talking and tell me what the hell happened between you and Nicole.”
I met Jason at the coffee house today because Maddy and I decided we needed to get to the bottom of whatever happened. For the longest time, I had the same mentality that Jason did. I wasn’t willing to let anyone in, and I just didn’t want to. But, I could see that he wanted it with Nicole. His stubborn ass just didn’t want to admit it.
“Carter, just let it go. It was nothing.”
“That’s bullshit, J, and you know it. I’ve seen you with plenty of girls, and I can tell this was different.” I knew he had commitment issues, but he needed to get over them. Nicole was great, and I could tell he knew it.
“All right, listen, I admit that she got under my skin. I don’t know what it is and it’s pissing me off because I can’t get her out of my head. I don’t want a relationship, Carter, I don’t want to depend on someone just so they can leave. I understand it’s messed up, but that’s just the way it is right now.”
He was such a damn idiot. “Listen, Nicole isn’t one of those girls who’s just going to use you, okay? She isn’t like that, and I think that’s why you’re scared. You know that, if something happened with you and her, it would be long-term. What you need to understand is that it isn’t a bad thing.”
“I know that, Carter. I see how you and Mads are, but that’s just not something I can wrap my head around right now.”
“Well, you can’t use other girls to screw her out of your system, you know.”
“Trust me, I’m starting to figure that out. The screwed up thing is that when I’m with those girls, I’m imagining they’re her.” His phone started ringing and he smiled, but quickly wiped it off.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Nicole. She wants to meet me. I don’t know what to say, Carter.”
“Meet her and figure this out, J.”
He just nodded at me and got up to leave.
When I got home, Maddy was sitting on the couch, watching TV. I plopped down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. “How was lunch with Jason, babe?”
“He’s a stubborn ass. I tried my best, but I don’t know if it did any good. How about you?”
“My lunch was...interesting.” I turned to look at her because I could hear the hesitation in her voice. “Nicole told me about how you feel like I need to talk to you more.”
“Maddy, listen, I-”
“You’re right.” Well, I wasn’t expecting that. “Carter, I’m sorry if I’ve been closed off. I’m just not used to having people to talk to. I’m used to just taking things in and keeping them there. I understand now that it isn’t going to work anymore.”
“I’m glad you know you have people who are here for you. I’m not going to push you, though. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here.”
“I’m ready to talk.”
I’d been waiting for this. I knew she’s get here in her own time. “Okay.”
“Thinking about what happened on New Year’s still scares the crap out of me. I have nightmares and I don’t wake you up when they happen, but I’m not sure why. It’s scary for me to know that whoever did it is just out there, and I don’t know why they did it or who they are. I get that I can’t keep you in the dark, though. I want to be more open with you, and I promise you that I will.”