She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, which was ridiculous. Reese was dead. She squeezed his arms, silently urging him to continue.
“I’d never have hurt Blake intentionally. He’s my best friend. Was my best friend. I—” He opened his eyes and shook his head, looking up at the sky. “God, I’m such a selfish bastard.”
She couldn’t completely disagree. Blake and Reese had been on and off all through high school, so Drew should have known better, should have left her alone. For months after Reese’s death, Blake had refused to leave his bedroom, other than going to school and eating the occasional meal. The weight had dropped off of him. His cheeks had grown sunken, his blond hair dull. But the worst had been the fact that the brother who loved to play practical jokes and whooped like a hyena when he laughed had just—disappeared. Replaced by a sullen, perpetually angry imposter. It hurt to see him like that. At times, Ruby wondered if she’d ever see the old Blake again.
And yet, she knew that it wasn’t Drew’s fault. It had just been a senseless, horrible accident. Blake would have gotten over it. He might have even started back up with Reese again once she got Drew out of her system and they’d been through their requisite share of drama and tears. But she’d died, and now, everything was so wrong.
Drew and Blake—it felt like they were tearing her in two. It was all so impossible, and she felt so helpless.
Could she help Drew and still remain loyal to Blake?
“Looking back is pointless. You can’t change what happened. No one can. However much you wish you could.” Even to her ears, she sounded like some daytime TV host, the one who tries to solve people’s problems on their show and who always made her feel like shouting at the TV screen not to be so stupid. She’d have been better not saying anything, if that was all she could come up with.
He broke out of her hold and stepped back, shoving a hand through his tousled brown hair. “Maybe not. But at least every time I look in the mirror, I’m reminded what a fucking, freakish bastard I am.” He pulled at the hood of his sweatshirt, almost unconsciously yanking it to cover more of the scars on his jawline.
He sounded almost grateful for his scars. As if he appreciated the outward reminder of the ugliness he seemed to feel belonged to him. His words finally drove home to her how much he felt he deserved what had happened to him. The excruciating burns. The cruel whispers. The isolation.
And that worried her. A lot.
Ruby had always been an open book as far as her feelings went, and this time was no exception. It didn’t take a genius to work out that she was thinking about Blake and how much he’d been damaged by all this. He should walk away, leave her alone before he ruined her life, too, and only interact with her as much as he had to for the project. Which was not at all, because he couldn’t care less about his chemistry grade.
Ruby’s first loyalty was to Blake. And rightly so. He shouldn’t have talked to her about any of it. It wasn’t fair to put her on the spot like that. There were therapists who could be paid to listen to his nightmares, if that was what he wanted. Which it wasn’t. The hospital had offered for him to go and see someone, but he’d turned them down. It wouldn’t have brought Reese back. It wouldn’t have prevented the fire. All it would have done was make him feel even worse, and he could do that very well on his own, without help from anyone else.
“Don’t say that. You’re not a freakish bastard.” Ruby’s gentle words washed over him like rain. He couldn’t even remember what he’d just said to her that warranted her reply.
“What?” He rubbed the middle of his forehead and frowned.
“About you being a freakish bastard,” she replied softly, her eyes full of concern. “You’re not. You never have been, and you never will be. Life throws stuff at us, but it doesn’t make us bad people.”
“What self-help book have you been swallowing?” Maybe if he were cruel, she’d go away. Because he couldn’t seem to make himself leave her side.
She flushed a deep shade of red, and he immediately wished he hadn’t tried that. She didn’t deserve to be treated so badly. She was doing it with the best of intentions, even if she was making a mistake being nice to him. Nice was what you were when someone had tripped and fallen over. Nice was what you were when someone had lost their purse. Nice wasn’t how you acted toward some asswipe who had betrayed your brother and gotten someone killed.
“Don’t be mean.” Ruby covered her cheeks with her hands and then turned away. But he could still see the tears forming in her eyes.
He’d made her cry. And she hadn’t deserved that. “I’m sorry, Ruby. I don’t want to upset you. I’m just being a jerk. Ignore me.” He wanted to reach for her, touch her again, but instead he shoved his hands in his pockets. His mind was a mess with thoughts careering all over the place. If he stayed near her any longer, she would drive him crazy. “I’ve gotta go,” he muttered as he turned and walked away.
Chapter Six
“Just so you know, I’ve got science all morning,” Ruby said to Blake as he drove them into the school parking lot. “We’re working on our projects, in our groups.” She emphasized groups, hoping he’d get her meaning. “It will probably go through lunch.”
Despite what had gone down with Drew the other day, Blake still said he’d give her a ride to school, and she had readily agreed. They were in his old white Ford, which used to be his pride and joy. He would spend hours cleaning and polishing it. And God help anyone who made a mess or tried to eat something in there. Now he’d lost all interest in it, and the car was just like most other people’s—full of trash.
“Oh.” Blake shrugged.
She’d been going over in her head what to say to Blake about her plans for the day. As much as she didn’t want to upset him, she also didn’t want him going crazy at her every time he saw her with Drew. Not that it would happen very often, she supposed. Since their time outside Reese’s house, Drew hadn’t spoken to her once and had managed to steer clear of her, even when their science group met. And to be honest, she hadn’t gone out of her way to be in his personal space either. It was almost a relief not to be treading on eggshells and worrying about what to say in case it upset him. Almost. Yet, despite that, she still found that he invaded her thoughts all day and night.
She shook herself back to her conversation with her brother. “So don’t go off on me if you see me hanging out with Drew,” she continued. “The way you were the other day in the library was so embarrassing.”
Crap. She hadn’t meant to say embarrassing, even though it was true. But she knew that Blake wouldn’t understand because he’d interpret her embarrassment as meaning that she cared more about what Drew thought than she did about what had happened. When in fact it wasn’t that straightforward.
“You’re kidding, right?” Blake turned his head and glared at her for long enough that she put a hand on the wheel to make sure he didn’t drive into something. He brushed her away and returned his focus to the road. “All you got from what happened in the library was that I’d embarrassed you?” He swung the car into a vacant lot and rammed on the brakes, causing Ruby to lurch forward as they came to a halt.
Poor Blake—she had to remember just how much he was suffering in all of this. His high-school sweetheart had died, his best friend had betrayed him, and now his sister was all buddy-buddy with that ex-best friend, long before Blake himself was ready to even think about forgiveness. This must be gutting him.
One day she might actually learn to think before she spoke.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to say embarrassed.” She patted him awkwardly on the arm. Blake wasn’t much of a hugger—he’d be more likely to throw you over his shoulder and toss you into a pond as a way of showing his affection. He took after their dad—or at least, how their dad used to be. Now their father seemed permanently stuck on bitter and angry. “I understand why you’re mad. But I didn’t ask to be in Drew’s group, you know. And now that I am, it’s something we all have to deal with until the project is over. It’s only for a very short time.”