“ Menippe mercenaria,” Charlie said with genuine affection, spearing one of my claws. “Sweeter than lobster.”
“Bad for your cholesterol, Charlie,” I said, hoarding my remaining stoners.
“Don’t be a spoilsport.” When I signaled a waiter to bring me a beer instead of champagne spiked with vitamin C, Charlie pilfered another claw. I used to stalk stone crabs in the shallow coastal waters each winter. You can find them under rocks or buried in mounds of sand on the grass flats in the bay. Some folks use baited traps, but those attract the wily octopus, which eats your crab by sucking the meat from the shell, and leaves you with a bunch of tentacles to wrestle with. Others use a metal prober and a net, it being illegal to spear our eight-legged friends. Most people simply pay thirty bucks a la carte at Joe’s for a handsome tray of the claws, but I always enjoyed catching them by hand.
You don’t kill a stone crab. You grab it and rotate the body one way and the claw the other way. The claw snaps off cleanly. Toss the crab back into the water, and it will regenerate the claw. Then, next winter, do it again. Do the crabs feel pain, I wonder. And do they miss their claws?
Charlie was making slurping noises, leaving a trail of mustard in his beard. “What’s new, Jake? Still handling those chicken-shit civil cases?”
“You’re close, Charlie. Very close.”
I told him about Chicken Prince versus Percy’s Perfect Poultry, and Charlie scowled. “Arguing about the pectoralis minor muscle of the chicken, for goodness’ sake. Who cares? Now give me a good murder…”
Charlie went on for a while, reminiscing about a couple of cases we had worked together-the doctor caught in a web of lust and greed, the women strangled as they played computer sex-talk games-as other dignitaries took the stage to heap praise on our host. The director of a local art museum gave his thanks for Yagamata’s generous gifts, and the head of the symphony did the same.
Around us, Biscayne Bay shimmered black under a soft easterly breeze. The lights of the Collins Avenue hotels winked, and an occasional jet from M.I.A. soared overhead. It was a beautiful night filled with beautiful people doing beautiful things. As usual, I didn’t quite fit in.
“Will you look at that,” Charlie Riggs said, interrupting my reverie.
Yagamata stood alone on the stage. He had opened a red velvet box and withdrew what appeared to be a green and silver egg-shaped sculpture. At its base, two winged creatures stood with swords and shields raised high.
“Come closer, Jake,” Charlie said, moving toward the stage.
Yagamata was speaking to his guests: “As many of you know, I have given many gifts of art to museums both in Japan and in the United States.” He allowed himself a modest chuckle. “I thought you might like to see a little something I gave myself.”
The crowd tittered at the “little something.” Yagamata was showing off and enjoying it.
“I love art, and I love jewelry. So the jewelry-art of Carl Faberge is most attractive to me. When Faberge made imperial eggs for the family of the czar, he often enclosed a surprise.” Carefully, Yagamata lifted the lid of the egg and delicately pulled out what at first looked like a thick gold chain.
Moving closer, I saw it clearly, a miniature train, an engine, a tender, and five coaches of solid gold.
“The Trans-Siberian Railway Egg of 1900,” whispered Charlie Riggs, who knows everything worth knowing and a lot that isn’t.
“I don’t know if you can appreciate the incredible detail from where you are standing,” Yagamata said to the crowd. “One coach even has a miniature imperial chapel. There are tiny signs for ‘smokers’ and ‘ladies only.’ It is really quite special.”
Charlie made a harrumphing sound that he sometimes uses to clear his throat and his mind.
I nudged him from behind. “What do you suppose that thing cost?”
“You couldn’t buy it,” Charlie replied, testily.
“I know I couldn’t, but what do you suppose Yagamata spent?”
“He couldn’t buy it, either. Not if it’s the real McCoy.”
“You think it’s fake? Skim milk masquerading as cream?”
“Trust me, Jake. The original could not be bought. What I don’t understand is how anyone could afford to copy something so intricate. It would simply be too expensive to duplicate.”
Yagamata was still fondling his little gold train, and Charlie Riggs was still chewing over something I didn’t understand.
“Didn’t that magazine publisher buy a lot of those eggs?” I asked.
“Yes, Malcolm Forbes. But he bought them from private collections.”
“So, maybe Yagamata-”
“The Trans-Siberian Railway Egg is in the Armoury Museum in the Kremlin, and not in the gift shop, either. You can’t buy it, Jake, any more than you could buy Lenin’s Tomb. It belongs to the Russian Republic.”
Yagamata folded the train together. The cars fit snugly together by the minute gold hinges that connected them. He put the train back into the egg, and the egg into its red velvet box. The guests began gravitating toward the dessert table, where white-gloved waiters served chocolate eggs filled with white mousse and a raspberry for a surprise. I just love theme parties.
“Sometimes, Charlie, you make life too complicated,” I said to my old pal.
“I’m waiting,” Charlie said, “ arrectis auribus, with ears pricked up.”
“Sometimes, things are just the way they seem.”
“Meaning what?”
I seldom get anywhere quicker than Charlie Riggs, so I wanted to prolong the moment. “If Matsuo Yagamata wanted that shiny little choo-choo train and it wasn’t for sale, what do you suppose he’d do?”
Doc Riggs eyed me suspiciously but didn’t say a word.
“He’d just take it, Charlie. He’d steal the damn thing.”
4
You smell anything fishy?” Marvin the Maven whispered to Saul the Tailor.
“Vad you say?” asked Saul, fingering the part in his steel gray toupee and cupping a hand around his ear.
“The smell,” Marvin repeated, tapping his nose. “You can still smell, can’t you?”
Saul the Tailor sniffed the air and nodded. “Somethin’ ain’t kosher in Denmark.”
H. T. Patterson carried a brown bag to the clerk’s table and pulled out your everyday supermarket chicken. In the pale fluorescent light of the courtroom, the dead bird was pasty white. “At this juncture, without further ado,” Patterson began, in his hypnotic singsong, “the plaintiff wishes to offer demonstrative evidence, ipso facto, the deboning of a deceased fowl in order to facilitate the jury’s understanding of Professor Pennywhistle’s testimony.”
Translation: A farmer with a Ph. D. was gonna cut up a dead chicken.
“Time out, Your Honor!” I was on my feet. “We’ve had no notice of this. They’re going to perform-”
“A simple demonstration,” Patterson interrupted.
“An autopsy is more like it. It serves no purpose, none at all.
Either Chicken Prince has the exclusive right to use the term ‘Chickee Tender,’ or it doesn’t. The anatomy doesn’t matter.”
“Objection overruled,” said Judge Bricklin. “Let’s see what they’ve got, but move it along, Mr. Patterson.”