‘Miserable, isn’t it?’ Caligula complained as Vespasian caught up with him. ‘Augustus had no idea of how to display his wealth; I’ll be making a lot of changes to brighten the whole place up.’
‘I think it’s beautiful, Caligula, I wouldn’t change it at all.’
‘What would you know about beauty,’ Caligula scoffed, ‘you country boy with your Sabine accent? Anyway, you don’t have any say in the matter, I’m the Emperor and you’re just my subject.’
‘Indeed, Princeps.’
‘Gaius, my dearest,’ Antonia said, appearing from the far side of the vast atrium, ‘I have been waiting for you. Come here and let me look at my new Emperor whom I haven’t seen for six years.’
Caligula stopped still. ‘You come here, Grandmother; I do no one’s bidding now, not even yours.’
Antonia approached with a fixed smile on her face and stood before her grandson, taking his face in her hands and gazing up into his sunken eyes. ‘Juno be praised, you look well. I have prayed for this moment for a long time and now it’s finally come; my little Gaius emperor.’
‘I shall reward you for your prayers, Grandmother, although in truth they were unnecessary, I was destined for this. I have already ordered the Senate to vote you the title of “Augusta”.’
‘You are generous, Gaius, to have me so honoured.’ She reached up automatically to ruffle his hair, as she had done so many times when he had been a child in her care, and withdrew her hand instantly as she saw how thin it had become.
‘It’s your constant ruffling that’s to blame,’ Caligula snapped. ‘Have a care, woman, just because I’ve bestowed an honour on you one moment doesn’t mean that I won’t demand your death the next. I can treat people any way I want now.’ He stormed off, leaving Antonia looking concerned at Vespasian.
‘It’s worse than I feared,’ she said quietly, ‘he’ll be the death of us all.’
Caligula roared with uncontrolled, high-pitched laughter. ‘Aren’t they priceless?’ he finally managed to get out. ‘I had them sent from Alexandria four years ago, they cost me a fortune, but they’re worth every denarius.’
Vespasian watched politely the antics of a group of naked dwarf acrobats as they performed what he hoped was their finale. The sixteen males had formed a tapering column, five dwarves high, around and up which four females were climbing, using the erect penises of their fellow performers as hand-holds and foot rests, to an accompaniment of frenzied percussion and ululations from a half-dozen wild-eyed female drummers who were hardly any taller than their instruments.
‘Tiberius used to love them,’ Caligula enthused, ‘especially when they all start rutting. Sometimes they just can’t stop themselves.’
‘I can imagine,’ Vespasian said as enthusiastically as possible, hoping that this evening they would find the necessary control. However, judging by the close attention that the females were giving to each one of their hand-holds he was prepared to be disappointed; as disappointed, in fact, as he had been in Caligula’s behaviour towards Antonia all through dinner. He had not wasted a single opportunity to gainsay her or dismiss her opinions such that it was apparent that he was doing it out of bloody-mindedness rather than because he believed her to be wrong. Antonia had borne the insults with an external appearance of indifference even when, having advised him to keep away from his sisters, he had proceeded to describe, in loving detail, exactly what he intended to do with each one of them once they returned to Rome. Vespasian had tried to steer the difficult path between not annoying his power-drunk Emperor and not appearing to be too sycophantic towards him in Antonia’s eyes, but had erred on the side of caution; a predicament that Antonia had, with a few sympathetic looks while Caligula’s attention had been elsewhere, indicated she fully understood.
Caligula’s juvenile enjoyment of the dwarves’ performance for the past half-hour was proving a cringing embarrassment to both of them because he was so obviously revelling in Antonia’s disgust.
‘Gaius, I’m not sure that this is appropriate entertainment for after-dinner,’ Antonia observed, unable to resist a comment any longer. She was peeling an apple while studiously ignoring the acrobats’ gradual ascent.
‘Oh come on, Grandmother, it’s just a bit of fun. It’s very tame compared to some of the acts that Tiberius had on Capreae.’
‘This is not Capreae, Gaius dear, this is Rome, and certain standards need to be kept.’
‘What standards? The standards of aristocrats? Hanging onto sweaty and bloodied boxers, after they’ve fought one another to a standstill, to get a good, rough going over after your guests have left? Those are your standards and I don’t judge them if that’s what you like. I like my dwarves, they make me laugh and I advise you not to criticise me for it because at least I’m honest about it. In fact, I’m probably the only honest man of senatorial or equestrian birth in this hypocritical, Janus-faced city.’
Antonia placed the half-peeled apple on her plate and got to her feet; the airing of her sexual preferences in front of Vespasian had evidently proved too much for her. ‘I don’t criticise you for it, Gaius, I just prefer not to share it. I’m now tired, as is the prerogative of an old and disappointed woman, so I shall bid you both goodnight. It’s been an interesting evening, thank you.’ She walked briskly away, not looking back.
‘I’ll have Vespasian send his man, Magnus, around to cheer you up, Grandmother,’ Caligula shouted as she left the triclinium. With a triumphant laugh he turned back to Vespasian, who was trying not to show the shock and alarm that he felt at being involved in Caligula’s worst jibe of the evening against his benefactress. ‘I think that’s made it perfectly clear as to where she stands with me, don’t you?’
‘I thought that you handled her expertly,’ Vespasian replied, resorting to full-blown sycophancy now that the restraining presence of Antonia had gone and hating himself for it. ‘And you are right: you are the only honest man in Rome.’
Caligula smiled knowingly at Vespasian. ‘Because I’m the only one who can afford to be. The Senate have lived for so long with Augustus’ conceit that they and the Princeps share power, whereas in reality they slavishly proposed and voted for what they deemed to be his and then Tiberius’ will, in the hopes of gaining favour. They’ve forgotten what honesty is; you might just as well have a flock of sheep sitting in the Curia. Well, I’m going to teach the sheep honesty.’
Vespasian thought about giving an honest reply but decided against it. ‘I’m sure you will be a great teacher.’
‘You’re right, old friend, I will be,’ Caligula affirmed, turning his attention back to the dwarf column where the lead female dwarf had now, quite literally, mounted the top while her fellow climbers worked their hand-holds vigorously.