Ida groaned. “Your daddy loved his truck. Each morning he got up at five o’clock and washed it, even when it was raining.” She sighed. “His clothes, I don’t think he could stand someone wearing them.”
“Mother… Daddy is…” What’s the right word here? “He’s at rest. He wouldn’t want you keeping his stuff when doing so caused you more sorrow. Trust me, okay? I’ll handle everything.”
Ida looked at him through puffy, red eyes. “I…” she started, couldn’t finish.
Leonard crossed to her and hugged her. “This will pass, Mother. It’ll pass in time.” He held her for a while. “Come on, let’s go into the living room and watch something funny.” He helped her to her feet. “There’s a comedy show on BET I know you’ll like.”
“Is it on satellite?”
“No. Not in Chicago, it isn’t.”
“We don’t have satellite. Your daddy said cable is cheaper.” She sat on the couch and Leonard couldn’t tell if she or it sighed.
“Anything in particular you’d like to watch?”
Ida didn’t respond, just sat there staring blankly. He channel-surfed and stopped at an Everybody Hates Chris rerun. “This is funny. Have you seen it?”
She shook her head. “Turn to The Discovery Channel. Your daddy loved to watch it.”
On The Discovery Channel, three lions chased a boar into a hole. “You sure you want to watch this?”
“Yes.” Leonard started to leave the room when she said, “I thought you were going to watch with me.”
“Yes, sure, Mother.”
The lions took turns inspecting the hole into which the boar escaped. Then, squealing for dear life, the boar shot out, only to be instantly pounced upon and seized by the throat by one of the lions. The feast began.
Leonard thought he might be sick.
“Leonard, you know he loved you.”
“Who?” Leonard said, unable to pry his eyes away from the television.
“Your daddy. He loved you. He just couldn’t say it. Men like your daddy have a hard time saying I love you. He loved all his children.”
“Who did he love the—” He caught himself.
“He loved you all. He and Ruth Ann were extremely close. Ruth Ann has a way with men. Always has, even when she was a little girl. You can’t blame your father.”
“I’m not blaming him, Mother. I was just curious. Speaking of curious…” Venturing into uncharted territory: his mother and he had never discussed his sexual orientation, and now seemed a good time as any to broach the subject.
“Mother…” The words were too hard.
She looked him straight in the eye. “How did he feel about your being gay?”
She couldn’t have put it more bluntly than that. “I know how he felt, Mother. I was curious how you felt.”
She seemed to stiffen right before him. Perspiration slid down his back.
She returned her attention to the lions, dozing, while hyenas and buzzards squabbled over the boar’s remains.
She’s going to leave me hanging? He regretted initiating the subject.
A commercial for Viagra came on and she said, “I’d rather you married, had children.” His face flushed with heat. “What I don’t understand I don’t judge, fret over. All I know is you’re my son, I love you and I’ll love you if you grew an extra head.”
Tears rained down her face to her black dress, doubtless the same dress she’d worn to the funeral. Guilt cascaded over him in waves; he wanted to go to her, tell her he loved her, tell her he’s normal and gay, but he didn’t. He just sat there, with each wave of guilt almost drowning him.
How could he possibly say Mother, it’s not your fault, it’s not Daddy’s fault; hell, it’s not anyone’s fault. He was who he was because he was who he was. It’s that simple. And nothing in the world could change that.
He stood up, his stiff knees popping. “Mother, if you’ll excuse me, I better start packing Daddy’s stuff away.”
He started to leave when she said, “Leonard?”
Please, no more. Please! “Yes, Mother.” Why does being gay demand explanation?
“When you’re finished, would you go get Shane?”
“Shane? Isn’t he with Ruth Ann?”
“I don’t think so. Ruth Ann would have brought him back by now.”
“Sure, Mother. I’ll go get him as soon as I finish packing.”
“Thank you, Leonard. He’s at the Boy Scout camp.”
“Shane’s a scout? I didn’t know that.”
“He’s not a scout.”
Something told Leonard to exit the room now, but he didn’t. “Mother, if he’s not a scout, what’s he doing at a Boy Scout camp?”
“When the scouts are not having campouts, he goes up there and hangs around.”
Hangs around? “Mother, when he’s hanging around up there, what does he eat?”
“Whatever he hunts.” After a pause: “He eats berries, too. He knows which are poisonous.”
This was sounding more bizarre by the minute. Go, a voice told him. “Uh… Mother, what does he hunt with?” Please don’t say his hands.
“A bow. A crossbow.”
“Who gave him that?”
“His daddy.”
“Lester? You allowed him to keep it?”
“Shane has more sense than people give him credit. He’s slow in some areas, a whiz in others. He can name every player who ever played for the Dallas Cowboys. He also knows all the players on the Arkansas Razorback football and basketball teams.”
Great, Leonard thought. Invaluable knowledge in the job market.
“Call his name when you go get him. Otherwise he might mistake you for a…” She drifted off, the carnivores on the television suddenly more interesting than their conversation.
He waited, hoping she would tell him what he might be mistaken for, but she didn’t speak.
He crossed to the front door and looked outside. Pitch dark, save for streetlights and lights in neighbors’ homes. He imagined himself in the woods, in complete darkness, stumbling around and calling Shane, then—swoosh!—an arrow in his chest.
“You know, Mother, I haven’t seen Shane in what, ten, eleven years? I wouldn’t know him if I bumped into him. Nor would he know me.”
“Why you call his name when you go up there. Tell him it’s all right, he can come home and tell him he can bring Kenny G with him.”
“Kenny G? He has—I thought Kenny G was buried alongside Daddy?”
Ida shook her head. Leonard sensed her annoyance with the conversation.
“Shane,” she said, “grabbed Kenny G and ran away. Robert Earl tried to catch him. Shane’s ten times faster than Robert Earl.” She said this with a mixture of pride and admiration. Her emotionally challenged grandson could outrun her mentally challenged son. Any matriarch would be proud.
“Mother, when did all this happen?”
“I’m tired, son. I’ll rest better with Shane here. He’s out there all alone and he hasn’t a friend in the world. When he was just a baby, Ruth Ann brought him here and dropped him off. Just left him. That was wrong. Wrong! Your daddy understood him, and he loved your daddy. He’s hurting, out there alone, all by himself.”
He has Kenny G and a crossbow. What more does a boy need?
“Get some rest, Mother. I’ll go get him first thing in the morning. Promise. You just concentrate on getting some rest.”
She rested her head on the back of the couch, eyes open, staring at the ceiling.
Entering his mother’s bedroom, Leonard wondered how she would react when he lied Shane couldn’t be found. Of course she would be upset.