«Well,» said he, «they visited the small trap first, and the top left-hand dove flew down and picked up bits of the corn and fed all the others.»
«I'll be damned!» said I.
«Then,» said he, «they moved over to where the big cage was, and the dexter dove flew in and picked up the wristwatch in its beak, and she did a sort of humoresque dance with it, and threw it over the cliff into the sea in front of my eyes. What do you think of that?»
«That's pretty tough,» I said.
«It's downright inconsiderate!» said he, banging on the table. «And if that dame thinks she's going to get away with it with Thomas P. Rymer, well — Landlord, I want another highball.»
«Why don't you just give her the air?» said I.
«I'd have given her the world,» said he. «And I would yet. But she's gotta see reason. I'll make her listen to me somehow. Let me get her within reach of my arms, that's all! Landlord, I'll have a bottle of this hooch up in my room, I reckon. I gotta do a bit of thinking. Good night, pal. I'm no company. She's roused up the old cave man in me, that's how it is. I'm not claiming to be any sort of sheik, but this little Irish wonder lady's gotta learn she can't make a monkey of a straightforward American business man. Good night!»
Most of the night I heard him tramping up and down his room. It was pretty late when I got to sleep, and when I did I slept heavily and woke late. I went downstairs and looked about for my friend «Where's Mr. Rymer?» said I to Doyle.
«God alone knows,» said he. «Were you not hearing the great cry he gave in the grey of the dawn?»
«What?» said I.
«I woke up,» said Doyle, «and heard him muttering. Suddenly he lets a yell out of him: 'Marriage licence! That'll get her!' And then he went silent entirely, and I dropped off to sleep again. And when I came down this morning, he was missing. And his car was missing. There was a note on the bar here: 'Back in a few days.'»
«He's gone to Galway,» said I, «to get his confounded licence.»
«Like enough,» said Doyle. «It's a great affliction, to be sure.»
Sure enough, after a few days I was wakened in the early morning by the sound of a car driving up. I looked out in the half-light and recognized the impressive lines of Rymer's huge American roadster. At breakfast time I hurried downstairs, eager to have a word with him.
I met Doyle in the passage. «So Mr. Rymer's come back?» I said.
«He's come,» said Doyle. «And he's gone.»
«Gone? Where?»
«It must be to the island,» said Doyle. «He must have drove up in the night and took the boat out right away. I've sent Danny for the loan of Murphy's boat from the fishing lodge. I told him to row straight out to the island, to see what's happened to the poor unfortunate gentleman.»
There were no field glasses in the place. We waited impatiently till Danny came in sight, rowing the borrowed boat and towing the other. We saw that Danny was alone.
«Did you not find him?» shouted Doyle.
«Never the hide nor hair of him,» said Danny, making fast the painter. «Sure it was one of the Good People he was after, right enough. The poor man has vanished entirely.»
«Could he have fallen over a cliff?» said I.
«I see'd the pigeons,» said Danny, shaking his head. «Four of 'em I saw, sitting each alone in a bush, just round the place we first saw them, and the creatures were mourning.»
«And the fifth?» said I.
«The misfortunate bird was lying on the grass in the middle,» said Danny, «with its neck wrung.»
THE RIGHT SIDE
A young man, who was looking extremely pale, walked to the middle of Westminster Bridge and clambered onto the parapet. A swarthy gentleman, some years his senior, in evening dress, with dark red carnation, Inverness cape, monocle, and short imperial, appeared as if from nowhere, and had him by the ankle.
«Let me go, damn you!» muttered the would-be suicide, with a tug and a kick.
«Get down, and walk beside me,» said the stranger, «or that policeman, who has already taken a step or two in our direction, will most certainly run you in. Let us pretend to be two friends, one of whom wished for a thrill, while the other was anxious that he should not tumble over.»
The young man, who was so eager to be in the Thames, had a great aversion to being in prison. Accordingly he fell into step with the stranger, and, smiling (for now they were just passing the bobby), «Damn and blast you!» he said. «Why can't you mind your own silly business?»
«But, my dear Philip Westwick,» replied the other, «I regard you as very much my business.»
«Who may you be?» cried the young man impatiently. «I don't know you. How did you get hold of my name?»
«It came into my mind,» said his companion, «just half an hour ago, when first you formed your rash resolution.»
«I don't know how that can be,» said Philip. «Nor do I care.»
«You lovers,» said his companion, «are surprised by nothing, except first that your mistresses should fancy you, and next, that they should fancy someone else.»
«How do you know,» cried our poor Philip, «that it was over that sort of thing?»
«I know that, and much more, equally ridiculous,» replied the other. «What would you say if I reminded you that no less than a month ago, when you considered yourself in Heaven, and were, in point of fact, in your Millicent's arms, you discerned something of the essence of ennui in the nape of her neck, and actually wished her transformed into the little brunette who serves in a tea-shop in Bond Street? And now you are on the brink of suicide because your Millicent has left you, though the little brunette is, for all you know, in Bond Street still. What do you say to that?»
«You seem to be unaware,» said Philip, «that what a man wishes when he is in his girl's arms, and what he wishes when someone else is probably there, are two very different things. Otherwise, I admit your knowledge is devilish uncanny.»
«That is only natural,» replied the other with a complacent smile, from which Philip immediately realized that he was in the company of none other than the Devil himself.
«What are you up to?» he demanded, drawing back a little.
The Devil, with a look of great benevolence, offered him a cigarette.
«I suppose it's not doped?» inquired Philip sniffing at it suspiciously.
«Oh, come!» said the Devil with a sneer. «Do you think I need resort to such measures as that to overcome you? I have reason on my side. Will you have a light?» Without pausing for a reply, he extended his middle finger, the tip of which immediately ignited the cigarette.
«You have a reputation for reasoning to some effect,» said Philip. «I have very little desire to be eternally damned.»
«What did you expect, then,» said the Devil, «when you contemplated suicide?»
«I see nothing wrong in that,» said our hero.
«Nor does a puppy that destroys his master's slipper,» retorted the Devil. «However, he is punished for it.»
«I can't believe it,» said Philip obstinately.
«Come with me, then,» said the Devil, and took him to a Fun Fair in the neighbourhood of the Tottenham Court Road. Here a number of the ugliest wretches on earth were amusing themselves with gambling games; others were peering into stereoscopes which showed scenes of Parisian nightlife. The rest of them were picking pockets, making overtures to certain female habitudes of the place, swearing, and indulging in all manner of filthy conversation.
The Devil looked on all these much as one who has been walking among the poppies and the wild cornflowers of the fields looks upon the cultivated plants in the garden about his backdoor. The commissionaire touched his cap much as gardeners do; the Devil acknowledged the salute and, taking out a latch-key, led Philip to a little door in the wall which, being opened, discovered a small private elevator.