Her final word seemed to hang in the air. Francesca slumped back in the chair, all the anger drained out
of her. Was that what a human life came down to, she wondered, a matter of convenience? It was inconvenient for her to have a baby right now, so she would simply do away with it? She looked up at Mrs. Garcia. "My friends in London used to schedule their abortions so they wouldn't miss any balls or parties."
For the first time Mrs. Garcia visibly bristled. "The women who come here aren't worried about missing
a party, Francesca. They're fifteen-year-olds with their whole lives in front of them, or married women who already have too many children and absent husbands. They're women without jobs and without any hope of getting work."
But she wasn't like them, Francesca told herself. She wasn't helpless and broken anymore. These past few months she had proven that. She'd scrubbed toilets, endured abuse, fed and sheltered herself on next to nothing. Most people would have crumbled, but she hadn't. She had survived.
It was a new, tantalizing view of herself. She sat straighter in the chair, her fists gradually easing open in her lap. Mrs. Garcia spoke hesitantly. "Your life seems rather precarious at the moment."
Francesca thought of Clare, of the ugly rooms above the garage, of the string guitar, of her inability to call Dallie for help, even when she desperately needed it. "It is precarious," she agreed. Leaning over, she picked up her canvas shoulder bag. Then she rose from her chair. The impulsive, optimistic part of her that she thought had died months before seemed to have taken over her feet, seemed to be forcing her to do something that could only lead to disaster, something illogical, foolish…
Something wonderful.
"May I have my money back, please, Mrs. Garcia? Take out whatever you need to cover your time today."
Mrs. Garcia looked worried. "Are you sure about your decision, Francesca? You're already ten weeks pregnant. You don't have much more time to undergo a safe abortion. Are you absolutely sure?"
Francesca had never been less sure of anything in her life, but she nodded.
She broke into a little run as she left the abortion clinic, and then a skip to cover the last few feet to the Dart. Her mouth curved in a smile. Of all the stupid things she had ever done in her life, this was the stupidest. Her smile grew wider. Dallie had been absolutely right about her-she didn't have a single ounce of common sense. She was poorer than a church mouse, badly educated, and living every minute on the cutting edge of disaster. But right now, at this very moment, none of that mattered, because some things in life were more important than common sense.
Francesca Serritella Day had lost most of her dignity and all of her pride. She wasn't going to lose her baby.
Chapter 20
Francesca discovered something rather wonderful about herself in the next few months. With her back pressed to the wall, a gun pointed to her forehead, a time bomb ticking in her womb, she learned that she was quite intelligent. She grasped new ideas easily, retained what she learned, and having had so few academic prejudices imposed upon her by teachers, never let preconceived notions limit her thinking. With her first months of pregnancy behind her, she also discovered a seemingly endless capacity for
hard work, which she began taking advantage of by laboring far into the night, reading newspapers and broadcasting magazines, listening to tapes, and getting ready to take a small step up in the world.
"Do you have a minute, Clare?" she asked, sticking her head into the record library, a small tape cassette pressed into the damp palm of her hand. Clare was leafing through one of the Billboard reference books and didn't bother to look up.
The record library was actually nothing more than a large closet with albums lining the shelves, strips of colored tape affixed to their spines to indicate whether they fell into the category of male vocalists, female vocalists, or groups. Francesca had intentionally chosen the location because it was neutral territory, and she didn't want to give Clare the added advantage of being able to sit like God behind her desk while she decided the fate of the supplicant in the budget seat opposite her.
"I have all day," Clare replied sarcastically, as she continued to flip through the book. "As a matter of fact, I've been sitting in here for hours just twiddling my thumbs and waiting for someone to interrupt me."
It wasn't the most auspicious beginning, but Francesca ignored Clare's sarcasm and positioned herself in the center of the doorway. She was wearing the newest item in her wardrobe: a man's gray sweat shirt that hung in baggy folds past her hips. Out of sight beneath it, her jeans were unfastened and unzipped, held together with a piece of cord crudely sewn across the placket. Francesca looked Clare squarely in the eyes. "I'd like a shot at Tony's announcing job when he leaves."
Clare's eyebrows rose halfway up her forehead. "You are kidding."
"Actually, I'm not." Francesca lifted her chin and went on as if she had all the confidence in the world. "I've spent a lot of time practicing, and Jerry helped me make an audition tape." She held out the cartridge. "I think I can do the job."
A cruel, amused smile curled at the corners of Clare's mouth. "An interesting ambition, considering the fact that you have a noticeable British accent and you've never been in front of a microphone in your
life. Of course, the little cheerleader who replaced me in Chicago hadn't ever been on the air either, and she sounded like Betty Boop, so maybe I should watch out."
Francesca kept a tight rein on her temper. "I'd like a chance anyway. My British accent will give me a different sound from everyone else."
"You clean toilets," Clare scoffed, lighting a cigarette. "That's the job you were hired for."
Francesca refused to flinch. "And I've been good at it, haven't I? Cleaning toilets and doing every other bloody job you've thrown at me. Now give me a shot at this one."
"Forget it."
Francesca couldn't play it safe any longer. She had her baby to think about, her future. "You know, I'm actually starting to sympathize with you, Clare."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You've heard the old proverb about not understanding another person until you've walked a mile in his shoes. I understand you, Clare. I know exactly what it's like to be discriminated against because of who you are, no matter how hard you work. I know what it's like to be denied a shot at a job-not from a
lack of ability, but because of the personal prejudice of your employer."
"Prejudice!" A cloud of smoke emerged like dragon fire from Clare's mouth. "I've never been prejudiced in my life. I've been a victim of prejudice."
This was no time for retreat, and Francesca pressed harder. "You won't even take fifteen minutes to
listen to an audition tape. I'd call that prejudice, wouldn't you?"
Clare's jaw snapped into a rigid line. "All right, Francesca, I'll give you your fifteen minutes." She snatched the cassette from her hand. "But don't hold your breath."
For the rest of the day, Francesca's insides felt like a quivering mass of aspic. She had to get this job.
Not only did she desperately need the money but she absolutely had to succeed at something. Radio was a medium that functioned without pictures, a medium in which sage green eyes and a perfect profile held no significance. Radio was her testing ground, her chance to prove to herself that she would never again have to depend on her looks to get by.
At one-thirty, Clare stuck her head through the door of her office and beckoned to Francesca, who set down the fliers she'd been stacking in a carton and tried to walk into the office confidently. She couldn't quite pull it off.
"The tape isn't terrible," Clare said, settling into her chair, "but it's not much good either." She pushed
the cartridge across the desktop.
Francesca stared down at it, trying to hide the crushing disappointment she felt.