On Thursday night, Cath made huevos rancheros, and her dad washed the dishes after dinner. He was telling her about a new pitch. Gravioli was going so well, his agency was getting a shot at a sister brand, Frankenbeans. Cath sat on a barstool and listened.
“So I was thinking, maybe this time I just let Kelly pitch his terrible ideas first. Cartoon beans with Frankenstein hair. ‘Monstrously delicious,’ whatever. These people always reject the first thing they hear—”
“Dad, I need to talk to you about something.”
He peeked over his shoulder. “I thought you’d already googled all that period and birds-and-bees stuff.”
“Dad…”
He turned around, suddenly concerned. “Are you pregnant? Are you gay? I’d rather you were gay than pregnant. Unless you’re pregnant. Then we’ll deal. Whatever it is, we’ll deal. Are you pregnant?”
“No,” Cath said.
“Okay…” He leaned back against the sink and began tapping wet fingers against the counter.
“I’m not gay either.”
“What does that leave?”
“Um … school, I guess.”
“You’re having problems in school? I don’t believe that. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
“I’m not really having problems.…” Cath said. “I’ve just decided that I’m not going back.”
Her dad looked at her like he was still waiting for her to give a real answer.
“I’m not going back for second semester,” she said.
“Because?”
“Because I don’t want to. Because I don’t like it.”
He wiped his hands on his jeans. “You don’t like it?”
“I don’t belong there.”
He shrugged. “Well, you don’t have to stay there forever.”
“No,” she said. “I mean, UNL is a bad fit for me. I didn’t choose it, Wren did. And it’s fine for Wren, she’s happy, but it’s bad for me. I just … it’s like every day there is still the first day.”
“But Wren is there—”
Cath shook her head. “She doesn’t need me.” Not like you do, Cath just stopped herself from saying.
“What will you do?”
“I’ll live here. Go to school here.”
“At UNO?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you registered?”
Cath hadn’t thought that part through yet. “I will.…”
“You should stick out the year,” he said. “You’ll lose your scholarship.”
“No,” Cath said, “I don’t care about that.”
“Well, I do.”
“That’s not what I meant. I can get loans. I’ll get a job, too.”
“And a car?”
“I guess.…”
Her dad took off his glasses and started cleaning them with his shirt. “You should stick out the year. We’ll look at it again in the spring.”
“No,” she said. “I just…” She rubbed the neck of her T-shirt into her sternum. “I can’t go back there. I hate it. And it’s pointless. And I can do so much more good here.”
He sighed. “I wondered if that’s what this was about.” He put his glasses back on. “Cath, you’re not moving back home to take care of me.”
“That’s not the main reason—but it wouldn’t be a bad thing. You do better when you’re not alone.”
“I agree. And I’ve already talked to your grandmother. It was too much, too soon when you guys both moved out at once. Grandma’s going to check in with me a few times a week. We’re going to eat dinner together. I might even stay with her for a while if things start to look rough again.”
“So you can move back home, but I can’t? I’m only eighteen.”
“Exactly. You’re only eighteen. You’re not going to throw your life away to take care of me.”
“I’m not throwing my life away.” Such as it is, she thought. “I’m trying to think for myself for the first time. I followed Wren to Lincoln, and she doesn’t even want me there. Nobody wants me there.”
“Tell me about it,” he said. “Tell me why you’re so unhappy.”
“It’s just … everything. There are too many people. And I don’t fit in. I don’t know how to be. Nothing that I’m good at is the sort of thing that matters there. Being smart doesn’t matter—and being good with words. And when those things do matter, it’s only because people want something from me. Not because they want me.”
The sympathy in his face was painful. “This doesn’t sound like a decision, Cath. This sounds like giving up.”
“So what? I mean—” Her hands flew up, then fell in her lap. “—so what? It’s not like I get a medal for sticking it out. It’s just school. Who cares where I do it?”
“You think it would be easier if you lived here.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a crappy way to make decisions.”
“Says who? Winston Churchill?”
“What’s wrong with Winston Churchill?” her dad said, sounding mad for the first time since they’d started talking. Good thing she hadn’t said Franklin Roosevelt. Her dad was nuts about the Allied Forces.
“Nothing. Nothing. Just … isn’t giving up allowed sometimes? Isn’t it okay to say, ‘This really hurts, so I’m going to stop trying’?”
“It sets a dangerous precedent.”
“For avoiding pain?”
“For avoiding life.”
Cath rolled her eyes. “Ah. The horse again.’
“You and your sister and the eye-rolling … I always thought you’d grow out of that.” He reached out and took her hand. She started to pull away, but he held tight.
“Cath. Look at me.” She looked up at him reluctantly. His hair was sticking up. And his round, wire-rimmed glasses were crooked on his nose. “There is so much that I’m sorry for, and so much that scares me—”
They both heard the front door open.
Cath waited a second, then pulled her hand away and slipped upstairs.
* * *
“Dad told me,” Wren whispered that night from her bed.
Cath picked up her pillow and left the room. She slept downstairs on the couch. But she didn’t really sleep, because the front door was right there, and she kept imagining someone breaking in.
* * *
Her dad tried to talk to her again the next morning. He was sitting on the couch in his running clothes when she woke up.
Cath wasn’t used to him fighting her like this. Fighting either of them ever, about anything. Even back in junior high, when she and Wren used to stay up too late on school nights, hanging out in the Simon Snow forums—the most their dad would ever say was, “Won’t you guys be tired tomorrow?”
And since they’d come home for break, he hadn’t even mentioned the fact that Wren was staying out all night.
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” Cath said when she woke up and saw him sitting there. She rolled away from him and hugged her pillow.
“Good,” he said. “Don’t talk. Listen. I’ve been thinking about you staying home next semester.…”
“Yeah?” Cath turned her head toward him.
“Yeah.” He found her knee under the blanket and squeezed it. “I know that I’m part of the reason you want to move home. I know that you worry about me, and that I give you lots of reasons to worry about me.…”
She wanted to look away, but his eyes were unshakable sometimes, just like Wren’s.
“Cath, if you’re really worried about me, I’m begging you, go back to school. Because if you drop out because of me, if you lose your scholarship, if you set yourself back—because of me—I won’t be able to live with myself.”
She pushed her face back into the couch.
After a few minutes, the coffeemaker beeped, and she felt him stand up.
When she heard the front door close, she got up to make breakfast.
* * *
She was upstairs, writing, when Wren came up that afternoon to start packing.