The Patriot and the Banker
A Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a bank where he desired to open an account.
“With pleasure,” said the Honest Banker; “we shall be glad to do business with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoring what you stole from the Government.”
“Good heavens!” cried the Patriot; “if I do that, I shall have nothing to deposit with you.”
“I don’t see that,” the Honest Banker replied. “We are not the whole American people.”
“Ah, I understand,” said the Patriot, musing. “At what sum do you estimate this bank’s proportion of the country’s loss by me?”
“About a dollar,” answered the Honest Banker.
And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and well he charged that sum to the account.
The Mourning Brothers
Observing that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his bedside and expounded the situation.
“My children,” said he, “you have not shown me many marks of respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entire fortune. I have made a will to that effect.”
So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weeds and the elder give him half of the estate. But when the elder applied for the property he found that there had been an Executor!
Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.
The Disinterested Arbiter
Two Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond.
“Why did you do that?” said the Dogs.
“Because,” replied the Sheep, “I am a vegetarian.”
The Thief and the Honest Man
A Thief who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man’s attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honest men it was none of his affair; and when the officers came to serve him with a subpoena he hid himself behind his back and wiled away the dragging hours of retirement and inaction by picking his own pockets.
The Dutiful Son
A Millionaire who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.
“What!” said the Neighbour, “you do sometimes visit your father?”
“If our situations were reversed,” said the Millionaire, “I am sure he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me. Besides,” he added, softly, “I had to have his signature; I am insuring his life.”
AESOPUS EMENDATUS
The Cat and the Youth
A Cat fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus to change her into a woman.
“I should think,” said Venus, “you might make so trifling a change without bothering me. However, be a woman.”
Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused a mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a show of herself that the Young Man would not marry her.
The Farmer and His Sons
A Farmer being about to die, and knowing that during his illness his Sons had permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds while they improved the shining hour by gambling with the doctor, said to them:
“My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. You dig in the ground until you find it.”
So the Sons dug up all the weeds, and all the vines too, and even neglected to bury the old man.
Jupiter and the Baby Show
Jupiter held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered her hideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her.
“It is all very well,” said the Monkey, “to laugh at my offspring, but you go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the statues and busts of the fellows that you begot yourself.”
“’Sh! don’t expose me,” said Jupiter, and awarded her the first prize.
The Man and the Dog
A Man who had been bitten by a Dog was told that the wound would heal if he would dip a piece of bread in the blood and give it to the Dog. He did so.
“No,” said the Dog; “if I were to accept that, it might be thought that in biting you I was actuated by improper motives.”
“And by what motives were you actuated?” asked the Man.
“I desired,” replied the Dog, “merely to harmonise myself with the Divine Scheme of Things. I‘m a child of Nature.”
The Cat and the Birds
Hearing that the Birds in an aviary were ill, a Cat went to them and said that he was a physician, and would cure them if they would let him in.
“To what school of medicine do you belong?” asked the Birds.
“I am a Miaulopathist,” said the Cat.
“Did you ever practise Gohomoeopathy?” the Birds inquired, winking faintly.
The Cat took the hint and his leave.
Mercury and the Woodchopper
A Woodchopper, who had dropped his axe into a deep pool, besought Mercury to recover it for him. That thoughtless deity immediately plunged into the pool, which became so salivated that the trees about its margin all came loose and dropped out.
The Fox and the Grapes
A Fox, seeing some sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose, and being unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not eat, solemnly declared that they were out of his reach.
The Penitent Thief
A Boy who had been taught by his Mother to steal grew to be a man and was a professional public official. One day he was taken in the act and condemned to die. While going to the place of execution he passed his Mother and said to her:
“Behold your work! If you had not taught me to steal, I should not have come to this.”
“Indeed!” said the Mother. “And who, pray, taught you to be detected?”
The Archer and the Eagle
An Eagle mortally wounded by an Archer was greatly comforted to observe that the arrow was feathered with one of his own quills.
“I should have felt bad, indeed,” he said, “to think that any other eagle had a hand in this.”
Truth and the Traveller
A Man travelling in a desert met a Woman.
“Who art thou?” asked the Man, “and why dost thou dwell in this dreadful place?”
“My name,” replied the Woman, “is Truth; and I live in the desert in order to be near my worshippers when they are driven from among their fellows. They all come, sooner or later.”
“Well,” said the Man, looking about, “the country doesn’t seem to be very thickly settled here.”