-23 HP!
His simple request doesn’t take, but the attack does force the iced-up sword mistress to toss FeeTwix aside with her firesword still jutting from his body.
She shrugs, flexes, and bursts out of her icy imprisonment. The luminescent sword comes up and she turns to Ryuk, just in time to get another black marble right in the kisser.
-5 HP!
She shakes it off.
Why isn’t it hurting her as badly?
He looses three more.
-7 HP!
What the hell?
“Instakill!” Ryuk lets go with another clear marble in the hope that his new skill will take this time. The transparent messenger of uncertainty slams into the center of her chest, and a red web of energy tendrils blasts across her upper body.
Enhance!
Her muscles bulge and her eyes flash red. She’s in front of him in the blink of an eye, and he barely manages to avoid a slash from her sword.
The marble backfired!
The busty sword-babe boots him in the head and sends him crashing through a pew.
-11 HP!
She follows him in and kicks the slingshot out of his grip. The tip of her sword dimples his throat; her feral grin is all pointy teeth and raging bloodlust.
“FICK YOU!” Out of nowhere, Hiccup blindsides the warrior and knocks the living Empress out of her. It’s an epic snap, meat on meat, slab on slab.
-35 HP!
Once she’s back on her feet, Hiccup is roundhouse kicked right in the chalupa for his troubles. He collapses in a one-armed, panting heap. “Fick me to tears,” he gasps as he beats the ground. “Yoy! That fickin’ hurts!”
FeeTwix empties a health potion and wipes his mouth on the back of the hand that isn’t pointing his slice bang right at the warrior. Three shots from the stabby shootin’ iron sends the blade-wielding broad crashing into a pew.
Instakill!
Tritania’s firearms penalty brings FeeTwix to his knees, his form flashing red. He chugs yet another health potion and staggers to his feet, considers his life bar, tosses the bottle over his shoulder, and downs one more still. His eyes are his own now, and he looks shocked that she was able to skewer him.
The ink shadow floats over the warrior’s corpse, and as it descends, she fades and vanishes.
“The game must go on! Are you ready for your final roll?” He cackles for a moment. “Sorry, this is just so much fun!”
Ryuk snatches up the dice and turns them over in his hand. “Let’s get this over with.”
(0)__(x)
“Well, it looks like you have to spin the Wheel of Dread again.” The ink shadow chuckles. Ryuk glares down at what he just rolled, cursing under his breath: 1, 1, 1.
“Cheating ficker! He’s using magic!” Hiccup positions himself behind Ryuk, just in case his accusation generates any blowback from the ink shadow. “You’re a dirty, filthy, lying, cheating, granny-fickin’ diarrhea stain!”
“Let’s not jump to conclusions.” FeeTwix equips a small wooden horse with a mane of yellow yarn. He circles the Wheel of Dread and waves the miniature horse high and low, shakes his head and announces, “Nope, no magic in use.”
“Well, how the fick do you know?” Hiccup objects.
“If there were magic in play, the mane would have stood up straight.” the Swede waves the carved wooden steed in the air just to be sure. “Nope – still nothing. Isn’t it cool? A fan gave it to me after I announced that I’d be live-streaming from Tritania.”
Hiccup groans as Ryuk steps up to the Wheel of Misfortune. “Let’s get this over with.”
Ryuk takes a deep breath and gives it a hearty spin. The images whirl and blur and come into focus as the wheel slows, slows, slows a bit more, and stops … on the question mark.
+2 LUCK!
If the ink shadow is disappointed, he conceals it well. “I am an entity of my word,” he begins, “Ask me any question and I will answer with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Empress.”
FeeTwix: Ask about the Shinigami. Find out why they took your friend.
Ryuk: Her name is Tamana, and good call.
Hiccup: Screw that! Ask about my arm, and how the hell I’m supposed to get it back!
FeeTwix: We already discussed your arm. Trust me, I’ll take care of it after this.
Ryuk steps forward, ignoring the fact that Hiccup is grumbling and kicking at the dust behind him.
“Ask your question and you shall receive an answer,” the ink shadow tells him.
“Why did the Shinigami guild kidnap the RPC Tamana?”
The ink shadow’s form trembles.
A portion of the ceiling collapses inward; the support beams above moan and creak as the walls of the cathedral shake and vibrate. Dust and debris cloud the air as the entire structure starts to move. Again, Ryuk sees the robed figure outside the church – it vanishes just as he spots it.
“I will not be intimidated!” The ink shadow cries out. “The Shinigami are a guild that are trying to … ”
Debris rains down around it, but it dodges them.
“They are … !”
The stained glass bursts from their lead strips and rains down upon the three Mitherfickers. The ink shadow disappears again, and reforms directly in front of FeeTwix.
“KILL ME!” it cries out. “Before they do!”
FeeTwix shoots Ryuk an uncertain look.
“Do it! Do it!” The ink shadow balloons in size. “KILL ME!”
FeeTwix pulls back and stabs his slice bang directly into the ink shadow’s center, pulling the trigger on the hilt of his weapon as soon as the blade is in. The creature turns to crystal and explodes.
Instakill!
Each of the Mitherfickers is bumped up a level, just as the cathedral collapses around them in a landslide of stone and rubble. Enough big pieces stack up to partially shield them from the falling debris. Once it looks like the last of the big stuff has fallen, Ryuk picks himself out of the scree. He runs his hands over his body and feels for injuries.
No hit point damage – that’s odd.
Ryuk helps FeeTwix push a particularly large stone off his body and offers him his hand.
“Where’s the goblin?” FeeTwix asks. Ryuk notices that his eyes are still blue.
“Not livestreaming?”
“Not yet. I’ll give everyone an update after we find Hiccup.”
They hear a muffled cry from a particularly robust pile of rubble and go to work uncovering the goblin. They lift the larger stones together and once they’ve removed most of them, the goblin wiggles his way out from beneath a pew.
“Jeez!” Hiccup breathes heavily as he’s helped to his feet. “That was fickin’ terrible … and my arm. That filthy ficker took my arm! That’s my ass-scratching hand, dammit!”
“I thought that that was your wank … uhh!”
Ryuk interrupts FeeTwix with an elbow in the ribs. With his magic slingshot up, he scans the area for the shadowy outline he saw earlier, but the mist is thickening up, and the dust from the collapsed building isn’t helping the visibility.
“I told you not to worry, Hiccup.” FeeTwix scrolls through his seemingly endless list and equips an arm made of brass that’s studded with gears and wheels and levers.
The goblin stares in horror at the steampunk amalgamation.
“Relax … ” FeeTwix’s eyes turn black. “Welcome back everyone. Sorry the feed was cut! As many of you saw, Hiccup lost his arm to the ink shadow back there in a game of Natty Dread. Now he’s set to get a brand new arm and boy am I excited about that. Hiccup? Not so much, but what can you do? Also, this week only, I want to remind everyone in Scandinavia that In ‘N’ Out in the Box has just opened two new locations in Copenhagen in the Vesterbro District, to better serve you! Mention #FeeTwixRox at the ordering kiosk or when you place your iNet order to receive a free upsize on any one menu item! So back to the arm … ” He points the arm in the air. “Now bring me the goblin!”