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“Nuh-uh, not happening, video boy. You’ve gone off your fickin’ rocker if you think I’m going let you strap a big brass dildo on me! You said you had a solution, not a cyborg sex toy!”

Ryuk stops scanning the horizon for a moment and asks, “How does it work?”

“It’s steam-powered, but the steampack has been built in so as not to be obtrusive.” FeeTwix turns to the goblin. “What are you waiting for you? You need an arm, I have an arm. Sounds like a win-win to me. Now, to connect it … ”

“Anyone have any fickin’ hooch?” Hiccup asks. “Some drorikh, preferably.”

“No,” Ryuk says with disapproving abruptness.

“Marbles, you have the empathy of a fungal growth in the cleft of a dragon’s ass.”

“Don’t worry,” FeeTwix grins. “I’ve used one of these before. The attachment process isn’t really all that painful. Come on – don’t be a big baby.”

“The fick, you say!” Hiccup huffs, sighs, and with eyes squinched shut and head turned away, reluctantly presents his armless shoulder. The gears spin up, the fingers come alive and the shoulder end opens like the maw of a lamprey. FeeTwix presses the mechanical arm onto Hiccup’s shoulder, and the goblin’s flesh tendrils up and settles around the union of goblin shoulder and steam-powered arm. The external gears click and clank as the arm makes minor adjustments.

FeeTwix lets go and the brass arm dangles there for a moment. “Don’t be afraid of it; it may actually be of some benefit to you.”

“Who’s afraid? Other than my second ex-mother-in-law, I’m not afraid of anything that’s not trying to kill me.”

“What about ghosts?”

The rearmed goblin ignores Ryuk. He holds his mechanical hand up in front of his face, bends and twists the wrist, flexes and wiggles the fingers. An idea occurs to him; he reaches around and gives his ass a most vigorous scratch. He grins and thumps his foot in time to the scratching. “Oh yeah; that’s the ticket. That’s the good stuff!”

FeeTwix laughs. “Glad I got that on video, and I’m glad you like it!”

Hiccup runs his other hand over his new brass arm. He knocks on it for a moment. “I can’t say that I hate it, and it sure isn’t my first choice, but it’ll do for now,” he remarks as he sniffs the fingers he just scratched his ass with. “All right, where to, boss?”

That anyone would consider him boss is a strange and alien concept, even if he is technically the leader of the guild. Ryuk turns his head to conceal the uncertainty he feels, clears his throat and says, “We need to find the dream armor that’s located somewhere around here. And I’ve realized the fatal flaw in my avatar: I have no way of protecting myself in hand-to-hand combat.”

Hiccup continues to test the capabilities of his new arm by vigorously mining his oversized nostrils and flicking the extracted deposits at FeeTwix. “You just now realized that?”

“What’s so special about dream armor?” FeeTwix asks, as he pivots out of the way of Hiccup’s ejecta.

“Dream armor is metamorphic; it becomes whatever armor the wearer needs. It’s almost impossible to get and super, super expensive if you can find it. I was Level 96 and I couldn’t afford any even if I’d found some.”

“Well, if it’s dream armor you really want,” Hiccup says, “I’m your goblin to find it, but it won’t be cheap.”

“You’re already getting two percent of whatever treasure we find,” Ryuk reminds him.

“I thought it was four percent.”

“No, it’s three.”

“That’s fine, but when I find this armor, you’ll need to toss me a little bonus. How about a healing potion? I know you still have one left.”

FeeTwix drapes an arm onto Hiccup’s shoulder and wipes a goblin booger back onto him. “Sure, we’ll give you a healing potion when you find the dream armor.”

Hiccup jams his new metallic finger into his mouth, gives it a good slobbering, and sticks it up in the air. “It’s that way,” he says as he turns to the east. “We are close, so get ready. I got the feeling one of those classic big boss battles is on the horizon.”

Chapter 9: Dream armor or bust

Shall I use my air horn again?” asks FeeTwix.

“Does insanity run in your fickin’ family, Twixy? Ever heard of the element of surprise? I’m trying to find us some dream armor here, not get my ass handed to me on a dragonscale platter. Priorities, mate, priorities, and a goblin’s priorities are as follows: treasure and sex.”

“What about violence?”

“Violence is a natural extension of treasure and sex.”

A soft, red glow around a storm shelter catches Ryuk’s attention. He examines the glow for a moment and it flashes, intensifies.

New skill learned!

Skilclass="underline" Magic Eye

Level One: A colored glow indicates that magical properties are present. Higher levels allow for more detail and access to the Wikipedia of arcane knowledge. A red outline signals that a hidden enemy is near.

Requirements: Level 4 Mage, LUCK > 4.

Another skill, three now, he thinks. He checks his stats again just to get a sense of where he’s at after his last level up.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 4 Ballistics Mage

HP: 185/185

ATK: 45

MATK: 74

DEF: 13

MDF: 22

LUCK: 5

Getting better, and he’s only used one auto-level, nine left. Still, the Shinigami could be at any level and according to Hiccup, they were tooled up pretty seriously. While it’s fun grinding and milling about in the bucolic splendor of the Hyperborean countryside, he needs to keep his eye on the prize – Tamana’s rescue. And there’s other stuff going on as well, such as the robed figure at the cathedral. ‘Bigger forces at play’ is an understatement.

“Where are you heading?” FeeTwix asks.

“That storm shelter,” Ryuk says, “there’s something off about it.” He draws his slingshot and pouches up a clear marble. With any luck, his Simple Request will work next time.

“Thanks, guys, for taking care of me for once.” He swipes away the poll.

FeeTwix brandishes a double-bladed sword and gives it a slow whirl. With a flick of his wrist, the two blades shift on the hilt and lock into place, thirty degrees off from their normal position.

“That’s exactly the type of place that has fickin’ ghosts.”

Hiccup equips a spiked club. In his new mechanical hand he clutches a crooked dagger. “What?” he asks as FeeTwix admires his stabby weapons. “You think you’re the only one with a big fickin’ inventory list? I call this one Frank’s Toe Knife.”

“How should we do this?” Ryuk keeps his slingshot trained on the storm shelter’s opening.

“Are you sure something is in there?” FeeTwix asks.

“I’m getting magic readings,” Ryuk explains, “it’s a new skill. Whatever it is, it’s moving a lot.”

Hiccup nods to Ryuk. “I sense it too. There’s treasure, and whenever there’s rare treasure there’s someone looking to keep that treasure for themselves.”

“Well, let’s go in weapons a-blazing then.” FeeTwix lifts his hand to scroll through his list. “I’ll toss a few grenades in there to get things off to the right start.”