Too late. The doors of the storm shelter snap open and arm-thick vines burst out, slapping and slamming against the ground. Hiccup ducks just in time to avoid the first swipe. “That’s fickin’ big!”
The creature’s stats appear:
Giant Vine Squid Level 20
HP: 431/431
ATK: 76
MATK: 32
DEF: 239
MDF: 64
LUCK: 8
“Have at it, boys!” Hiccup charges in bashing and slashing at anything he can reach; one of the vines he doesn’t reach snatches him up and jerks him off his feet. He roars his indignation and stabs, clubs and cleaves in a blur of furious motion.
-2 HP! -2 HP! -2 HP! -2 HP!
The vine flings him into a moss-covered and weather-stained statue of Empress Thun. He bounces off, lands with a ‘Yoy!’ and hops to his feet just in time to club another incoming vine. FeeTwix dashes in and slashes his way into a wall of waving greenery; funky vine juice splatters all around him.
-12 HP! -20 HP!
Two black marbles fly past the Swede’s head and explode inside the storm shelter; the three Mitherfickers hear a blood-curdling, water-boiling, gut-wrenching screech.
“It’s definitely pissed now!” Hiccup charges, leaps, and brings his club down on a vine beelining towards Ryuk.
-10 HP!
More vines burst out of the storm shelter, lift into the air and snap against the soil. They writhe and curl as FeeTwix hacks into them.
-9 HP! -9 HP! -9 HP!
A vine yanks Ryuk’s feet out from under him and suddenly, he’s airborne.
The slingshot’s pouch slips out of his grasp; the two black marbles he’d had on deck fly wide and explode against a dead tree in a nearby courtyard. The vine hurls him through a picket fence and he lands in a garden overgrown with thorn bushes, grass burrs and wait-a-minute vines. -21 HP!
He painfully extracts himself from nature’s barbed wire plants and the vine smashes him right back into the spiky unpleasantness. As he falls backward, Ryuk jams a handful of black marbles in the slingshot’s pouch and zings them off; the slingshot warms from overuse.
Ryuk: We’re getting KILLED here. Any surprises in your list?
FeeTwix: Oh yeah, I got just the thing!
FeeTwix swings his double-bladed sword just enough to keep the vines off him and equips a mahoosive crossbow of silver and mahogany with intricate golden inlays. The weapon flows and spreads and encases his left arm in a web of pulsating symbiotic tendrils that crackle with energy as the weapon charges up.
Hiccup: Fick yes! FICK YES!
Ryuk: You have a mutant hack!?
An eyeball searing green flash momentarily dispels the fog and gloom as FeeTwix unleashes a bolt of sheer hellfire straight into the shelter entrance. The ground shakes; the great vine squid shrieks in pain and dismay as the blast vaporizes most of its vines. Smoke and steam boil out of the shelter and the air is filled with the fragrance of boiled asparagus and calamari well past its best-by date.
-300 HP!
“Oh kuso! That didn’t kill it!?” Ryuk leaps to his feet and bolts over to FeeTwix, just in time to see his mutant hack return to its crossbow state. He loads two clear marbles into his magic slingshot and aims it at the shelter entrance.
“My hackbow,” the Swede says as he returns the weapon to his list. “Long story behind it, but until I can get it looked at by a master weaponsmith, it’ll only shoot once per day. Still, it doesn’t give me a life penalty, so you can’t beat that.”
Hiccup appears at his side and drops his mechanical hand onto the Swede’s shoulder. “You didn’t fickin’ tell me you had a mutant hack! The Shinigami are done for – we will fick them up, down and sideways five ways from Friday! Those fickboys won’t know what fickin’ hit them!”
“It’s not something I advertise; others will want to fight me for it if I do.”
Ryuk notices that FeeTwix eyes are blue.
“You weren’t streaming that?”
“Again,” he says, “my mutant hack is not something I advertise, at least not until the big battle. Make them work for it.”
FeeTwix’s double-bladed sword takes shape in his hand. The blades shift thirty degrees and a miner’s headlamp appears on his head. “What are we waiting for? Let’s get our asses in there and finish it off.”
(0)__(0)
The back-blast from FeeTwix’s mutant hack seriously damaged the entrance to the storm shelter, forcing the three Mitherfickers to traverse a partially collapsed stairwell that they can barely squeeze through.
“How far down do you think it goes?” Ryuk asks FeeTwix, who’s in the lead.
“I can’t really tell from here.”
Hiccup’s teeth start to chatter. “I don’t know about you fickers, but I’m seriously freezing my massive goblin testes off here. This is why goblins live on the coast of Hyperborea and not in Ultima Thule FYI. We hate the cold.”
“And goblins hate ghosts, working, leveling up, personal hygiene, and not whining, apparently. Equip a jacket.” FeeTwix laughs.
“How am I supposed to save your asses if I’m all bundled up like Nanook of the North and my mobility is reduced? No, we’ll get the dream armor and then it’s gobnap time. I’ve got a flask of drorikh I’ve been saving.” Realization flashes across his eyes. “Fick me! I should have chugged that back when you rearmed me. Shit.”
A fetid breeze moves up the stairwell, pushing stale air past the three Mitherfickers.
“Getting closer,” FeeTwix whispers. “I’m going live again.” He clears his throat. “Sorry everyone, some tech difficulties! We’re back, about to go in for the kill.”
Ryuk keeps his magic slingshot at the ready. He has a single clear marble ready to go; the explosive black marbles could cause a cave-in, and having survived one in the Mines of Rotlana, he’d rather not go through that again.
“We’re coming to the bottom,” FeeTwix whispers. “Weapons up!”
“Treasure!” Hiccup pushes past his two guildmates. He explodes into a wide open space and disappears to the right.
Damn goblin!
FeeTwix steps out into the opening and what’s left of the giant vine squid drops down and engulfs him. The oversized barrel-shaped cephaloplant has FeeTwix wedged most of the way down its gullet. It writhes and struggles as he hacks and slashes at its insides, and then violently disgorges him in a burst of bilious plantopus goo.
The Swede rolls backwards, springs to his feet, and with a flick of his wrist, bile and goo flies off his double-bladed sword. His eyes flash.
“I will not be humiliated!” He charges back in with his blades held high, slips in a puddle of vine squid gunk and most ungracefully skewers himself as he falls on his fancy double-sword – Schwip!
(0)__(x)
FeeTwix: Shit! I should have gone with a gun! It’s up to you and the goblin if he ever shows back up! P.S. 675,309 fans are livestreaming this, so no pressure … Remember, if you guys die, we have to start back at the guild again, so no pressure there either.
“No pressure,” Ryuk whispers, says the Tritania noob who fell on his own sword. No pressure.
FeeTwix’s miner’s lamp still shines, and the giant vine squid tries to scoot out of the light. Hiccup pops out of the shadows and ultra-thuds the plant-animal in the back of the head.
-12 HP!
The vine squid pirouettes on the stubs of its tentacles and punts the club-wielding goblin right in his dangly bits. Hiccup screams ‘Yoy!’ as he hits the ceiling, drops to the floor and covers up just that little bit too enthusiastically with his new brass hand. The plus-size vine squid lands on him gaping beak first and begins the process of deglutition.