Ryuk narrows his eyes at the goblin. “You spent all the rupees that you stole from our guild last night, didn’t you?”
“This isn’t the time to be talking about guild finances!”
Ryuk remains impassive, arms crossed across his chest.
Hiccup huffs and sighs. “But if we must … in short, yes, I spent all the money, but actually I spent much more than that, much, much more, and unless the Mitherfickers want to be responsible for covering my losses, we need to get the fick out of Sotla and never return.”
Zaena shoots FeeTwix a look of doubt and he shrugs.
“So sure, I spent all the rupees, but I’m also saving us a lot of rupees by having us leave right now. So in a way, we’ve come out ahead.”
Ryuk notices a trio of broad-shouldered, grim-visaged, armed and armored orc warriors moving steadily in their direction. One of them turns and calls for other orcs to join the hunt.
Ryuk sighs. “All right, we’d better go. Where to? Hills of Hillshire again?”
Zaena shakes her head. “The Jatla Forest, where I encountered the Shinigami. I was prompted to take a quest, but I was running solo and so I decided not to. There’s supposedly treasure in an abandoned ninja temple in the forest, and considering we have how much in our guild coffers … ”
“There he is!” One of the orcs calls out. As the orcs charge, the four Mitherfickers select a new spawning point and dematerialize just in time to avoid the attack.
(0)__(x)
“For the record,” Hiccup says as they take shape on the outskirts of the Jatla Forest, “I would have doubled our rupees, doubled, if that damn ink shadow hadn’t cheated me, just like the other one back at the cathedral. The dirty, stinking, lowdown cheating racist fickers; I swear they have it out for us goblins.”
Ryuk ignores Hiccup as he scans the forest, looking for any trace of magic. There isn’t any, but some of the trees have been uprooted and trampled. “So this is where you encountered the Shinigami?” he asks Zaena.
“It is, in the clearing over there.” She uses one of her ghost limbs to turn Ryuk’s chin toward the clearing. He notices this time that his skin prickles when she touches him; there’s something almost electric about it.
“Let’s check it out,” FeeTwix says.
There are no overt signs of battle in the clearing, but the uprooted trees are mature specimens, and whatever’s smashed them aside is by no means little.
“This is the spot where I spawned out of here,” she explains, “and not a moment too soon. Careful of that hole in the ground, goblin.”
“The name is Hiccup, and I believe we haven’t met yet and seriously, Twixy, who the fick is the Thulean and why is she with us? Whatever happened to extreme vetting? Sure, I should have asked earlier, but my attention was otherwise focused, orc-wise.”
Her nostrils flare as her orange slit eyes settle on the goblin. “Chain duchitekcha.”
“Dolakh charnekh slumdokh motikh,” Hiccup snorts.
Her eyes widen in surprise. “You speak Thulean!”
“Better than you, probably. You think just because I’m a goblin, I’m nothing but a low-life, lamebrain, ass-scratching, booger-eating moron with indifferent personal hygiene?” he says, as he scratches his ass.
“Well … yes – you’re a goblin,” She shakes off her surprise. “However, call me a lazy animal in heat again at your own peril.”
Hiccup rolls his eyes. “Pfft! Big scary Thulean gonna be my future murderer, eh? I’ve stepped on bigger lizards than you … Ha! Liz! Now there’s a nickname I can get behind!”
They lock eyes – and she looks away first.
Ryuk and FeeTwix exchange looks – there’s more to their goblin compadre than is readily apparent at first glance.
Movement in the forest; Ryuk is the first with his weapon up.
A bear the size of an aeros minivan tears out of the shrubbery. A thick leathery shell covers its back, with bands of yellow, orange and light brown. The armor extends up the creature’s neck and forms a series of sharp spikes around its eyes and forehead. The creature roars; the birds in the trees startle and scatter into panicked flight.
Bearadillo Level 15
HP: 412/412
ATK: 124
DEF: 267
MATK: 0
MDF: 293
LUCK: 2
Ryuk zips two knife marbles and the bearadillo’s carapace shrugs them off like raindrops. Up next, Zaena flings her two short swords into the air and charges the mahoosive creature. She snags the swords with her ghost limbs, leaps and drives them against the bearadillo’s hardened shell.
Her swords skid off without penetrating, and she narrowly avoids a slashing counterblow from the creature’s claws.
A prompt appears before FeeTwix and he swipes it away:
“Really guys?” he asks the clouds. A wheelchair takes shape in front of him and he grabs the handles.
“Oh no!” FeeTwix yells and points behind Hiccup, “Ghosts!”
“Where?” The plasmophobic goblin shrieks and whirls to look where FeeTwix points. “Oh no, oh fick no!”
FeeTwix charges his distracted guildmate, scoops him up in the wheelchair and sprints past the bearadillo while Hiccup shrieks like a lunch whistle.
The massive armored omnivore focuses on noise and motion, turns and lumbers after its noisy rolling snack. As it picks up speed, it gets its armored tail up for added stability, giving Ryuk the chance to sling an explosive surprise right into its exposed anus.
-123 HP!
New skill learned!
Skilclass="underline" Cherry Poppin’ Daddy
Level One: 1 in 11 chance of connecting. Enemy’s backside must be exposed. Higher levels increase damage and chance for an instakill.
Damage: 35% if enemy is less than level 30; 13% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Odds of instakilclass="underline" 13%
Requirements for instakilclass="underline" LUCK > 7
The bearadillo’s front feet skid out from under it; it howls in pain and whirls to face the source of its torment. Zaena uses her ghost limbs like invisible stilts to increase her speed, and with swords out, hurls herself at the creature. The enraged beast rears up and smashes her out of the air; she plows into the underbrush in an uncontrolled cartwheel.
“Oh SHIT! Zaena!” FeeTwix shouts. Double-bladed sword in hand, he turns to face the creature.
From out of nowhere, Hiccup races in, swings a double-bitted war axe into the bearadillo’s butt wound and barely avoids the armored predator’s answering mule-kick.
-38 HP!
“Attack the hole in its ass!” Hiccup equips a plumbata, runs back in and heaves the oversized dart at the bearadillo’s vulnerable spot. Another direct hit and the creature shrieks in agony.
-36 HP!
“Attack its ass! Attack its ass!”
FeeTwix: His underside is vulnerable too!
Ryuk: But we can’t get under there …
FeeTwix: Fire as many explosive marbles as you can at his feet. Maybe we can flip it!
Ryuk responds with four black marbles, the most he’s ever loaded in his magic slingshot at a single time. He feels the slingshot’s handle warm up as he pulls back on the pouch. Aiming just in front of the bearadillo’s oversized paws, he pulls back a teensy bit further and sends the four marbles on their way.