“We were, um, expecting a boss battle.” Ryuk clears his throat.
“We are the boss battle!” The head ninja throws his hands up in the air. “Fucking commoners, I swear to the Empress. And you just had to go and destroy the statue of our father!”
“It was enchanted,” FeeTwix reminds him, “we thought it would come alive.”
The ninja smashes his fists together. “It was enchanted because it contains, or contained, the essence of our most cherished ancestor. He built this temple stone by stone and planted all of the cherry blossom trees!”
“You said that already,” Hiccup growls.
“I’m done talking about this. DONE. Carl, Joni, let’s get out of here.”
“Carl and Joni?” Hiccup shakes his head. “Well, whatever your names are, we kicked your fickin’ asses and your daddy’s ass as well – pretty easy, if you ask me – so you might as well hand over the loot or at the very least, some experience points. Hell, a healing potion would be nice too, not that I need one right now.”
The lead ninja advances towards Hiccup and lifts his weapon. “You will forever be our mortal enemies! FOREVER!”
Zaena steps to the front of the group. As she does, she says something in Thulean to Hiccup that makes him scoff.
“Please,” she tells the ninja, “lower your weapons. I have the feeling that we’re going to have plenty of enemies going forward, and I’d prefer to not add your clan to the list.” She places her three swords on the ground. The other one that she used to save Ryuk’s ass is still a couple of meters away. “Let’s talk this through.”
The ninja takes a step back. He lowers his weapon again and says, “Okay, Thulean, I’ll make this incredibly simple for you and the two stupid commoners you are travelling with – return the statue to its original form and we’ll call it even.”
Ryuk nods as he loads a clear marble into the pocket of his slingshot. “I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s definitely worth a try,” he announces to the confused-looking ninjas, “It may take me a second to get it right, so bear with me. Let’s just see what happens.”
He ignores the disgruntled muttering of the ninjas, aims at the remains of the statue, and lets fly. As the clear marble hurls through the air, he says the command, “Rebuild statue!”
The marble connects and ice creeps up and over the shards and fragments of stone.
He hears one of the female ninjas cry out. “What the Hell is this? You’ve frozen him!”
“Give me another chance,” Ryuk says before anyone else can comment. He looses another clear marble. “Rebuild statue!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa … wait a minute! Holy fickin’ frijoles, Marbles!”
Ryuk turns to find Hiccup with a thick topknot of pink hair at the top of his head.
You’ve … you’ve cured my goblin-male pattern baldness! Fick yes! Twixy, eyes, now – I want my fans to see the new me.”
FeeTwix turns to him and after a few seconds he gives Hiccup the thumbs up. “They love the new look! It’s so punk!”
“Are you mocking me?” Hiccup twists his finger in his pink hair. “What? Nothing? Liz? No comment?”
“Anything that hides your head is an improvement!”
Ryuk ignores them and shoots another marble. “Rebuild statue!” A flash, a clap of thunder and a giant granite block falls out of the air and smashes the rubble into pea gravel. He gulps; his neck prickles as he feels the ninjas glaring at his thus-far ineffectual ass.
“Let me try again,” he tells them, “a couple more times.”
Another shot. With a tremendous smoky FOOF, the rubble turns a virulent, sulfurous yellow. The ninjas howl for a moment, and Ryuk does his best to calm them again.
FeeTwix: Enough with the parlor tricks, Ryuk; they’re getting really, really annoyed!
After a deep breath, he pulls back on the pocket and releases the marble. “Rebuild statue … please!”
The marble connects and the giant block of granite vanishes. Above the statue’s plinth, the frozen ochre pea gravel swirls into the air in a multicolored, whirling vortex lit with pulsing flashes of yellow energy.
The ninjas ooh and ahh like spectators at a Chinese-New-Year-Guy-Fawkes-Fourth-of-July-Bastille-Day fireworks display with free beer.
Within the vortex, that statue takes shape and settles into its original position; the towering five-meter-tall warrior is as it was and has always been.
Skill level up!
The cherry blossom ninjas grudgingly admit that ‘it’ll probably be okay’ and send the Mitherfickers on their way. Ryuk quickly reads the results of his skill level up.
Skilclass="underline" A Simple Request
Level Three: 1 in 6.5 chance of a request being granted.
Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.
Requirements: LUCK > 6
(x)__(x)
“I still can’t believe they didn’t give us any treasure,” Hiccup laments as the Mitherfickers exit the cherry blossom ninja temple.
Ryuk looks down at the stone stairs, knowing all too well that the forest below is filled with enemies. He’ll need another healing potion to be sure; the goblin only bottle fed him half of one.
“At least they agreed not to make us their mortal enemies. That’s got to count for something,” FeeTwix adds. “But I agree and they could have healed us.”
“Exactly. Fickin’ ninjas are such cheap fickers. Sure, they may look all cool in their slick outfits – not the pink kiddie fickers in there, but others, you guys know what I’m talking about – but damn if they aren’t cheapskates. I’d hate to go on a date with one.”
Zaena stops. “Why don’t we use this?” She extends her hand, showing off the ring that FeeTwix bought her in Sotla. “My pocket sauna will heal us to full health after thirty minutes of rest.”
“How do we use it?” Ryuk asks.
“Do you remember what the shop owner said?” she asks FeeTwix.
“No, but hold up a second.” FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as messages from his fans pour in. “Okay, got it. Pretty simple, actually! First, place the ring on the ground. Using your finger, draw a circle around the ring and once you’ve done so, instruct the other people in your party to touch the ring. The ring bearer should be the last person to touch it, as the ring will disappear with that person.”
“Disappear to where?” Hiccup asks.
“A sauna in Sotla. The Sotlian Health and Wellness Center has dozens of individual saunas. We’ll take whichever one is available.”
“And how do we come back?” Ryuk asks. “Do the same thing again?”
FeeTwix nods. “Yup, and it’ll take us right back here.”
“Before anyone starts tossing any rings,” Hiccup says, “let’s at least walk to the bottom of these damn stairs. Then we won’t have to do it later. That’s called thinking with your noggin.” He taps the side of his head.
At the base of the stairs, Zaena performs the prescribed ritual and Hiccup is the first to step up. He bends over, gripes about his lower back, and touches the ring. His body compresses into a thin line and disappears.
“I got next!” FeeTwix drops into the front leaning rest position and touches the ring with his forehead. Zaena laughs as his body narrows and vanishes.
“My turn.”
Ryuk touches the ring and instantly appears inside a steamy room.
To his left is a bamboo privacy screen that divides the room. Four towels hang from the wall and oversized lockers are to the right, big enough for some pretty hefty war gear. Directly in front of him is the sauna.
Zaena appears and FeeTwix loops an arm around her waist.
Hiccup peels out of his clothes and armor and drops them in a pile around his stubby calloused toes. At the best of times he is unattractive; naked, he is even less an object of beauty and desire. The goblin is pear-shaped, scabrous and warty; his derrière is flat and covered in red splotches; his vile and disgusting sporting equipment defies description. He enters the sauna and takes up as much space as he can.