“You a cop?” Hiccup asks.
“Did I say cop? No, I’m a businessman, and military and law enforcement make up the bulk of my business.”
“But you have legal … um, difficulties in Ultima Thule,” says Zaena.
“Yes, but that’s in Ultima Thule, a different continent from where we currently stand. Besides, I prefer Hyperborea over UT. UT is cold, drab, wretched, cold and nowhere near as interesting as the other two continents – no offense intended, Thulean.”
Zaena starts to say something but bites her lip instead.
“Anyway … ” Dave again offers the five his predatory grin. “It’s a free-for-all out there with tons of enemies. By accepting the quest, you’ll be transported there instantly.”
A prompt appears in front of Ryuk and he hovers his finger over the accept button.
Quest: Will you join the ASF to vanquish orc zombies that have infested the town of Kayi?
Possible Rewards: Loads of EXP and multiple networking possibilities with the police force command structure.
Risks: Zombies will eat you.
Chapter 23: Orc zombie battle royal
The five Mitherfickers spawn in front of Kayi’s cathedral and the walking dead take immediate notice of them.
“Weapons up! Face outboard!” shouts FeeTwix. The closest zulu is a once-attractive ASF officer, with one arm off at the elbow and her guts trailing along behind her. She treads on her innards, stumbles and makes no effort to catch herself as she lays herself out full length.
FeeTwix’s M4 Carbine takes shape in his hands. “Let’s do this,” he grins, as he pops the ASF zombie through the top of her head.
Instakill!
A zombie orc springs at Tamana; Ryuk blasts it with a black marble and its arm and shoulder spin away.
-113 HP! Critical hit!
Tamana brandishes her sword and finishes the job; its head goes bouncing as its zom-buddy staggers in behind it. Tamana splits this one from crown to crotch. “They’re not that fast!” She says as she catches her breath. “But they’re freaky-looking, and they smell worse than Hiccup!”
“I heard that!” The goblin brings his ax down onto the first head Tamana cut off.
A group of shuffling horrors close in on them; Zaena draws all four swords, wades into them and sets zombie heads a-flyin’. “I’ve actually dealt with this before,” she calls over to them, “in one of the boroughs of Athos. Listen, do not get bitten or scratched or splattered with any body fluids. If anyone turns, we’ll have to kill you. I’m looking at you, goblin.”
“I have a name!”
“Yes, and it will be Zombie Snacks if you don’t stay focused.”
A former Kayian townie with arms outstretched and raw, red, gaping wounds where his face used to be zeros in on FeeTwix, who brains him with one shot. “Sweet! Less firearm damage! In that case … ”
The M-4 goes back to inventory and he produces a classic SPAS-12. His eyes flash black and he announces to his viewers. “Hey there sports fans! We’re here in the formerly scenic city of Kayi after visiting a Merchant of Doom in Aramis. For all of those fans of my Dead City feed, you’ll especially love this! Also … ”
Three more zombies take notice and bolt towards the Mitherfickers. Zaena dispatches one. BOOM! BOOM! FeeTwix levels the other two with the SPAS-12.
“Active gamers and fans o’ FeeTwix, when you’re going at it hot and heavy, Old Spice Degree & Hammer is just what you need to kick ass, take names, and not let your funk spoil your fun!”
He continues the ad read as he charges at a zombie orc that has smashed out of the window of a small bodega. “Try the newest OSD&H fragrances! Hill Country Bluebonnet and Sweet Honey Hickory Grill are both inspired by the sweet scents of the semi-autonomous state of Texas. And speaking of Texas, American friends do I have a deal for you!” He shoulder rolls, leaps, and blasts a junior zombie in half, then stomps its skull. “Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and get sample-sized Huntsville Old Sparky Bubba Yum shampoo and Beaumont Bad Booty Bodywash absolutely free! Terms and conditions apply.”
A zombie swipes at FeeTwix mid-spiel, and he narrowly avoids the creature’s splintered fingernails.
With the speed of a hyperactive cheetah, Zaena swoops in, beheads the creature, grabs the Swede by his tactical vest and pulls him up on tippy-toes for a kiss. A zombie family of three slouch and moan their way in; FeeTwix opens an eye, one-hands the assault shotgun, and puts the trio out of their misery before kissing her again.
“Get a fickin’ room, you two!” Hiccup grumbles as the two lovebirds kill their way north. “That guy would rent his dick to an STD if he thought there were rupees in it for him!” An orc zombie nearly three times the goblin’s size approaches from his left. With a step, turn, and spin Hiccup cleaves the zomb-orc’s skull from ear to ear, wrenches his axe free and is instantly awarded one hundred rupees. “Yo-ho! These bastards are rich!” he tells Ryuk, who’s just exploded another zombie’s noggin.
“It’s your new helmet,” Tamana reminds him. “It increased your LUCK!” A zombie orc lurches into range, she swings her airplane wing of a sword in a figure eight and takes both its arms off. She follows through with a swing for the fence and takes Mr. Zombie’s head clean off. She’s awarded a level up. “Yes!”
Hiccup touches the helm with its two little horns. “I forgot I was wearing this!” An idea comes to him and a sly smile spreads across his face. “Hey you guys! Why are we hacking zombies when we could be pillaging? Twixy and Liz can keep ‘em off our backs while us three scoot and loot!”
He’s off faster than a fish can fart; Ryuk and Tamana both roll their eyes and shake their heads.
“Well?” She wipes blood from her blade onto the tunic of the orc zombie at her feet.
“Let’s follow him. He’s going to get his ass turned into a zombie and when he does,” Ryuk’s eyes narrow, “I get to be the one that kills him.”
She laughs. “I don’t know how you could have changed so much in such a short amount of time, but you have. Quick, before we lose him!”
Ryuk and Tamana chase Hiccup down a wide lane that leads to a cluster of shops and dwellings that have not withstood the siege. Debris litters the street; heaps of truly dead zombies surround smashed doors and windows in mute testimony to more than one desperate last stand. Some of the buildings have been reduced to charred wreckage; others still burn unchecked.
Hiccup races by, seemingly untouched by the slaughter and devastation.
“Hold on!” Tamana slows in front of an armored and helmeted ASF trooper crouching over a similarly accoutered companion, who rests in a puddle of gore.
“Can we help you? Are you injured?” She asks as she moves closer.
The crouching trooper turns and snarls at them. One eye is gone; his exposed teeth chomp at bits of tissue and viscera that hang from his mouth. His companion’s chest cavity has been scooped out like a soft boiled egg. Tamana shrieks, hacks him in half with her oversized sword, and rapidly back pedals.
-68 HP!