“As long as there’s treasure, and as long as you know where the fickin’ treasure is, you’re in charge, pops.”
Ryuk holds back for a moment to let the others pass. He takes a breath, and his Extreme Focus and Magic Eye skills reveal a soft yellow magic that filters from the entrance that Hiccup discovered.
His marble gun at the ready, he follows Tamana into the kitchen, which looks like a whirling herd of cartoon Tasmanian Devils has been through it. All the drawers have been stripped from the cupboards and scattered glassware and ceramic shards litter the floor.
Arun stops in front of the pantry door. “It’s been hell, that’s for sure,” he says as he opens the door.
A wave of stench and funk roll out to greet him; he screams like a sissy when the orc zombie stumbles out and reaches for him. Hiccup shrieks “Oh FICK!” and releases a cloud of stench and funk all his own.
“Move, Move, MOVE!” Tamana shouts as she swings the buster sword and hacks the pantry door, doorframe, and orc zombie in half.
-58 HP! Critical hit!
The upper half of the zombie lands face up and it tilts its head to keep them in view as it scrabbles for traction with clawed hands. Tamana chops its head free and drives her oversized blade through the bridge of its nose.
Instakill!
A wide eyed Hiccup turns to the two resetters. “Hey – Marbles, Tammy. What part of ‘clear the rest of the house first’ did you fail to understand?”
“Don’t be too harsh with them,” Arun pipes up. “They were rescuing us!”
“Fickin’ amateur hour,” Hiccup mumbles under his breath.
Chantrea places the back of her hand against her head as if to faint. “Please, please remove it,” she asks meekly. “I can’t look!”
“Relax, dear, I’ll handle it.” Arun grabs the orc zombie’s lower half by its wolf leather boots and gives it an ineffectual tug. “A little help for the gnome, maybe?” Ryuk joins him and they drag the body out of the way and pile the top half next to it. Hiccup boots the head out through the entryway.
“Right,” says Arun, “and thank you,” he tells the three Mitherfickers. “The lighting is poor in the pantry, so we’ll need to grab a lantern. Chantrea?”
“I always keep a spare one here.” She produces one from a lower cabinet, snaps her fingers and the lantern sparks to life.
“Come in then.” Arun lets the three enter, followed by his wife. He closes the door as he steps in last and points at a stack of barrels. “The middle one is the door.” He removes the bung, inserts two fingers and pushes. The barrel clamshells open to reveal a flight of stairs. “The family crypt is at the bottom.”
“And the treasure?” Hiccup rubs his paws together.
“It’s in the crypt, you’ll see it. We’ll wait up here for you.”
Hiccup points his ax at the gnome couple. “The fick you will. I’ll tell you what, you two go down there with us just to be sure that there’s no funny stuff.”
“Funny stuff?”
“Yeah – ambushes, booby traps, clown zombies – that type of thing. Funny stuff.”
“Fine,” Arun huffs, “but I will not be the first one to enter.”
“And you won’t be the last either, that will be Marbles over there. Kid, keep your weapon on these two as we descend.”
Ryuk raises his marble gun. “Got it.” He catches a side glance from Tamana and gives her a quick shrug.
The five take the stairs, Ryuk in the rear. Nothing is said as they enter into a cool room with a low ceiling. Chantrea’s lantern does little to fully light the space, leaving the edges crosshatched with darkness. A sickly sweet odor hangs in the air.
“It’s like the catacombs under Polynya,” Tamana says as they take another flight of stairs.
“That’s what it was designed after,” says Arun, “the Bannons were a powerful and influential family at Empress Thun’s court, but there were allegations of shady dealings and consorting with anti-imperial elements and hanging around with that that vile Dirty Dave character.”
“Hey, Dirty Dave is just a very successful business entity!” Hiccup reminds everyone.
“Was there a Mrs. Bannon?” Tamana’s oversized surfboard of a sword clangs against the wall, and badly startles Hiccup.
“Dragon ficks!” the goblin calls over his shoulder. “Either be more careful or put that fickin’ thing away! This place already has my gob-sphincter clenched!”
“Sorry.” She bows her head to him as she follows closely behind.
Arun pipes up, “There were several Mrs. Bannons. I think there were ... five?”
“Six,” Chantrea corrects her husband. “And an equal number of mistresses. But as of three weeks ago, there hasn’t been a Mrs. Bannon, nor a mistress.”
“Just to be sure, is Mr. Bannon a fat, ugly fick who looks like the mutant love child of an inbred radioactive orc and a rabid Chiup hog with chiggers?” Hiccup asks.
Arun snorts. “I haven’t heard him described that way before, but yes, I do believe that’s him, goblin.”
“Well, don’t need to worry about that ficker anymore. Marbles back there roasted that little piggy from the inside. And the name is Hiccup!”
The five enter into a corridor that stretches beyond the circle of light from Chantrea’s lantern. “This is it,” she says, “the family crypt.” She steps away from the foot of the stairs, stubs her toe, trips, and drops the lantern.
Velvety blackness envelops them.
Ryuk’s Extreme Focus kicks in; at the far end of the crypt he can just make out the faintest outline of two bodies, one of which has an aura of dark blue magic. He fires two molten marbles that strike about halfway to the approaching silhouettes.
Chantrea shrieks as the bright white light from the marbles illuminates the two approaching figures. “Kelly? Anne? Please tell me it isn’t so!”
Two emaciated zombies slowly step into the light. Their faces are drawn and pinched, their eyes have dried and shriveled, black dried blood rims their mouths and only a few tufts of straggly bleached blonde hair are still attached to their skulls.
Chantrea moans and covers her eyes. “My poor, poor girls!”
Hiccup snorts. “Fick me to tears, look at these two! Let’s give ‘em the chop and be done with it. There’s booty to loot-y!”
Kelly Bannon Level 10
HP: 613/613
ATK: 99
MATK: 13
DEF: 58
MDF: 64
LUCK: 8
Kelly extends her arms, hisses, and throws herself at Hiccup. He curses, spins aside, swings his ax and slices her arm off.
-100 HP!
Zombie Anne snags Kelly’s flailing arm out of the air. She makes a hoarse barking sound, and Kelly returns to her side.
“Oh, FICK, they’re not supposed to do that shit!”
“Get behind us,” Tamana tells the two gnomes, who are rooted to the spot and show no sign of complying. She keeps one eye on the two zombie sisters while she herds the two gnomes behind Hiccup. With his marble gun still trained on Kelly, Ryuk takes a quick look at Anne’s stats for any clues.
Anne Bannon Level 11
HP: 628/628
MANA: 298/298
ATK: 21
MATK: 119
DEF: 36
MDF: 94
LUCK: 12
She has the stats of some sort of mage …