“I was going to choose one on the left anyway.” Hiccup grumbles. He pops open the left chest and smoky red magic, thick as a river of blood slithers out forming a dragon’s head. It slides around the room, stops to examine the three men and turns to the exit.
Ryuk returns his focus to the chests. “And Mr. Bannon told you all this, about the trap?”
“I was the one who arranged the creation of the chest,” he explains. “He was banned from the city of Porthos, as I told you, and he sent me there to have them made. The lion lock and the key too.”
“Why did you have a copy made?” Ryuk asks.
Arun chews on his lip for a moment. “I knew my wife and I couldn’t escape, but I figured we could one day use it as collateral.”
“Do you know what’s inside?” Hiccup asks.
Arun places his hand on the closed chest. “Now that I don’t know,” he says nervously. “I do know that Mr. Bannon was fond of collecting rare things.”
“Well, do you think it’s a trap?”
Arun shrugs.
“Whelp, today is an especially auspicious day to die.” Hiccup throws the chest open. Light blazes out of the chest and Ryuk steps up for a better look.
“Fick! What the hell are we going to do with this thing?” Hiccup finally asks. “More importantly, why couldn’t I smell it?”
Chapter 24: An egg for another day
Ryuk, Hiccup, and Tamana stand in front of the Bannons’ toppled gate. There’s moisture in the air and a thick, gray fog has settled over the smoldering village of Kayi. Every now and then, he hears an occasional scream or a desperate shout, but there are considerably fewer than there were when the Mitherfickers first arrived.
“Are you sure we don’t have time to hit any of the other McMansions?” Hiccup asks. “That, was most definitely not the type of treasure I was expecting. I’d see my aromachologist, but I’m pretty sure the dismal health plan coverage offered by our guild doesn’t have anyone in network, and if they did, the fickin’ deductible is so high that I’d probably have to rob the place after I got my prescription.”
“You never shut up, do you?” Tamana asks playfully.
The goblin lifts his helm and runs his mechanical hand through his tufty pink topknot. “I’m a think-out-loud type of goblin, like my father before me and my grandfather before him. Boy, those two never fickin’ shut up. But seriously, I should have smelled it.”
Ryuk opens the Guu-Chee tote bag given to him by Chantrea and once again examines the egg. The size of a soccer ball but oblong, the egg is dark purple with icy blue veins spiraling around it.
“We can deal with the egg later,” Tamana tells Ryuk, “let’s get to the others.”
The egg and the tote dematerialize and appear in Ryuk’s inventory list. While his deet screen is up, he quickly checks the guild’s levels to find that FeeTwix and Zaena have really cleaned up while the three of them were off treasure hunting.
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 11 Ballistics Mage
HP: 270/350
ATK: 87
MATK: 111
DEF: 67
MDF: 43
LUCK: 10
FeeTwix Fajer Level 15 Berserker Mystic
HP: 228/539
ATK: 119
MATK: 28
DEF: 74
MDF: 38
LUCK: 13
Hiccup Level 11 Shield Thief
HP: 453/475
ATK: 73
MATK: 13
DEF: 141
MDF: 68
LUCK: 24
Zaena Morozon Level 14 Brawler Assassin
HP: 365/489
ATK: 135
MATK: 8
DEF: 90
MDF: 26
LUCK: 14
Tamana Nakamura Level 6 White Warrior
HP: 186/252
MANA: 105/119
ATK: 68
MATK: 12
DEF: 49
MDF: 93
LUCK: 3
“I just can’t believe that I couldn’t smell the dragon egg,” Hiccup waves his hand over his shoulder at the two gnomes, who now peer at them from the window in the parlor. “And these two gnomes … you’d fickin’ think that they’d blow that popsicle stand first thing and be over the horizon toot sweet, but no, Goblinholm Syndrome is a real thing, and these two plan to keep the place up and wait for their masters to respawn, which they will in a couple of days after their avatars wait out the zombie penalty.”
A thought dawns on him. “Or-r-r-r they’re going to fickin’ steal everything that ain’t too hot or too heavy to lug off!” He peers back at them and gives them a big grin and a thumbs up. Arun responds in kind. “Those slick mitherfickers,” the goblins says under his breath.
Hiccup takes the lead and Tamana follows behind as Ryuk reloads his magazines. A mag full of molten marbles was a good thing, and a combo of marbles may be even better. He loads two magazines with alternating black and molten marbles, another with strictly molten marbles, and another one with knife marbles. He fills the last one with clear marbles – his wild card mag.
“I meant to compliment you on the marble gun,” Tamana says, “it is very, very cool, especially after seeing it in action.”
“I’m starting to like being a Ballistics Mage,” he admits. “It was challenging at first, but with this weapon and some of my new skills, it isn’t as bad as I originally thought it would be.”
“See? Like I told you, being a resetter isn’t as bad as you think.” She casts her eyes down. “Well, I guess that is debatable.”
“Woe-is-me and Boo-Fickin’ Hoo,” says Hiccup, “think of it this way, Tammy, now, you’re like me and you don’t have to deal with real world shit. Job, school, taxes, et cetera.”
“But you have to deal with all those things in here,” she reminds him as they pass the law office of Sloon Olson Nolos and Associates, which is on the outskirts of the town square.
“Job? Pfft! What job? You mean being a guildhall security guard? That’s the easiest job I’ve ever had. Hell, half the time I’m gob-napping or checking out the latest issues of Goblin Holes. School? Yeah, but just Thulean grammar school, which was a breeze. Teacher was hot as fick too. Taxes? Like I pay those. You have to pay me for me to pay taxes. Speaking of which, where’s my four percent?”
“You spent it in Sotla,” Ryuk tells him. “And it’s two percent.”
“I thought it was three … ”
The sounds of zombies moaning, followed by the percussive utterances of a submachine gun echo down the street.
“That bloody Swede and his alien weapons,” Hiccup comments, “just kidding, the faster we kill the zulus, the faster we can get back to Aramis and get those nuru massages I was telling you about.”
“The … what massages?” Ryuk knows exactly what a nuru massage is and he’s surprised to hear Hiccup call it by name.
“I knew that would catch your attention! Kid, I know killing zomb-orcs is fun and all, but when you’re ready to let your hair down and see the other side of orcs, or the underside of orcs if you get my drift … ” He catches up to Ryuk and nudges him with his mechanical arm.
An ASF zombie limps from an alley towards the three. A naked one-armed female orc zombie is right behind him.