With the speed of a striking cobra, Jim grabs the mouthy goblin by an oversized ear and bangs his head on the tray. “Yoy!”
Jim’s eyes narrow on him. “I endeavor to be a gracious and tolerant host. If you wish to continue to enjoy the hospitality of this establishment, I suggest you show me some courtesy and respect.”
He bangs Hiccup’s head against the tray one last time for emphasis.
“Yoy! Yoy! Yoy! Easy there, Jimmie boy! Sorry, I was just fickin’ with you,” exclaims the slightly chastened goblin. “It’s the store brand healing potions I tells ya. They always leave me in a bad mood. But that’s not what’s important. Look, Jim, we got big plans tonight, and while these two are hand-holding and doing the mooncalf eyes thing out here, Lizzy and Twixy are in our room tickling and cuddling in a way that makes my tum-tum do nip-ups. Fick it. I guess everyone has their own way to unwind. What I’m trying to say is … ” Hiccup’s eyes suddenly lose focus, and for two heartbeats he’s silent. “Where was I?” he asks, as he shakes it off.
“You were talking about your guildmates’ relaxational pursuits.”
“That’s right! Damn Goblinheimer’s. It’s early onset, and I got a good fifty to a hundred more years in me before I’m being spoonfed and having my starfish wiped by a hot elf nurse. Anyfickin’hoo, as I was saying, the two in there already know which hole the ding-dong goes, these two, not so much. Sad!”
“Is that what you came to tell me?” Jim asks.
“No, I came to tell ... erm, to ask you to fry me up another round of dragon wings and make’em spicier this time, as I’d like it to burn on both ends.” The goblin turns to Ryuk. “And I came to tell you two to quit fickin’ around and get your asses in here so we can figure out the best way to not die tonight.”
The goblin punctuates his exit with a basso-profundo trouser shout, and an almost palpable stench wafts into the air. Tamana pinches her nose and now it’s Ryuk’s turn to laugh. “You get used to it,” he assures her.
Jim produces a cut crystal bottle with a custom-crafted spray top and delicately spritzes the air with industrial strength pine scent.
(0)__(x)
Back in their room, Ryuk paces back and forth and tries to recall the layout of the Shinigami’s guild quarters. The goblin sits on the bed, finger up his nose as he desultorily mines a nostril. Across from him are FeeTwix and Zaena, and Tamana occupies a low footstool.
“After the ass-whooping you gave those fickboys last night, they are going to be tooled the fick up and waiting for trouble.”
“Hiccup’s right,” says Zaena. “We surprised them last night with stealth and subtlety; tonight, we’ll have to blast our way in.”
“Really? And you’re okay with the use of non-traditional weapons?” FeeTwix rubs his hands together.
“They worked quite well against the zombies,” she admits.
FeeTwix suggests, “Let’s go in through the sewers – there are sewers in this world, right?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “In this world, yes, there are sewers beneath the Giants’ city of Wartlinga on the continent of Polynya. But here in Aramis beneath the guild district, I’m going to go with no.”
Tamana snaps her fingers. “I’ve got an idea!”
The four Mitherfickers turn to her.
“Here’s what we do, and don’t laugh at the idea before I can finish explaining it,” she scolds the goblin. “We come in as guild sanitation workers. They open their gates and we hit them, plain and simple. Remember, they’re not really expecting us to hit them twice in a row; they’re expecting us to run and hide.”
“Do you think they’ll buy it?” FeeTwix asks.
“Of course they’ll buy it,” Hiccup says on the tail end of a burp. “That’s the thing about looking official – you can get away with some real fickery. Hell, with the right clothes, anyone can get away with anything. That’s the same in your world, right?”
Ryuk considers Japan’s parliament members. “Yes, it’s roughly the same.”
“Well, fick me then, that’s the plan! I’ll get us some sanitation outfits. Let me see … ” He hops to his feet, grimaces at a pain in his lower back. “Fick, this is a good idea.” He claps his hands together as he makes his way to the door. “I’m glad I had it!”
Tamana raises her finger to say something but Ryuk gives her a look that says it’s not worth it.
Zaena looks to Ryuk. “I like this idea, but I think that if we all come in weapons waving and guns a-blazing, it’ll be too easy to pick us off. Better to diversify our attack and not all come in from the front. Here’s what I think: Ryuk and I can provide fire support from the top of the wall. We can set up just before you two and the goblin arrive,” she tells FeeTwix and Tamana.
“Jim, make those dragon wings to go!” Ryuk hears Hiccup call from outside their door.
“Fire support? Are you going toss swords or something?”
“No, dear.” She pats FeeTwix’s cheek. “If you didn’t know, and clearly you don’t, I’m quite proficient with a bow, as are many of the Assassin class. I can use two bows with ghost limbs, and though I’m not quite as good as I am with the swords, I think you’ll find my skills more than adequate.”
“This will work,” Ryuk takes Hiccup’s seat on the bed, but only after inspecting it for skid marks, teeny-weeny livestock, or any other little gob-souvenir Uncle Hiccup may have left behind.
He places his five magazines on the bed and empties them as Zaena continues to plan. For fire support, he decides that the clear marbles won’t be of much use, and if he has to he can shoot those with his slingshot. He quickly does the math and goes with four magazines loaded with alternating molten and black marbles and one loaded exclusively with knife marbles.
Zaena continues to elaborate on the plan. “We’ll take out whatever is outside first.”
“What about the mages?” Ryuk asks.
She scrunches up her nose as she considers this. “I really don’t know; we really got lucky last time.”
“They won’t come into the courtyard,” says Tamana.
“What makes you think that?” Ryuk asks.
“A hunch. Even if they are out looking for us, they’ll want to protect that energy source they have in the cellar, and my guess is that they’ve moved it inside, down to the basement where it’s easier to protect.”
FeeTwix equips two Glock 19 Gen 4s and puts them in holsters that form under his arms. An ankle holster takes shape on his leg and he secures a Colt .380 Mustang Light in it.
Zaena smirks, “That little one is kind of cute.”
“That’s my last resort,” he tells her. “Back to the plan: you two provide suppressing fire while we mop up the fuckers at ground level. Then we move inside. My fans have already sent me a schematic of the inside of the guild, which I’ll forward to you all. There’s a grand entrance and plenty of space, but the other part of the building is a single upstairs room, a kitchen area, and a basement, all connected by a single flight of stairs. Hold up.”
FeeTwix’s eyes flash black as his mirror appears in his hand. He gives his audience a dashing smile. “Hey everyone! Just a reminder to not touch that dial while my feed is off-line! Keep playing and streaming to earn bonus points – and remember, one lucky winner will receive a three-year TwitchTube Red subscription, absolutely free of charge – plus a ton of other cool schwag personally autographed by me! No purchase necessary, winner will be selected by random drawing. And as if that wasn’t enough – Wendy’s Hut is having a world-wide special promotion starting tomorrow. Mention #FeeTwixRox at the checkout to get half off a Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger Light with any personal-sized pizza purchase. The Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger Light features Wendy’s Hut’s proprietary genetically modified meat and cheese to give you all that tasty goodness at a quarter of the calories of the regular Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger. Love you guys and stay tuned, the Mitherfickers are getting live tonight! ”