(0)__(x)
The village of Jatla’s unmistakable funk smacks Ryuk right in the digital sniffer.
The stomach-churning, retch-inducing civic effluvia is the perfect counterpoint for the pair of male goblins who patronize a public urinal in the most liberal and non-exclusionary manner imaginable. They splatter caustic ammoniated goblin lemonade everywhere and leave their toxic outflow for someone else to clean up.
Which never happens. Ever.
Why they even have these things when the goblins just piss anywhere is beyond Ryuk, and offends his ingrained, Japanese love of cleanliness and order. He’ll never get used to the mess that is Jatla.
He pulls up his hood as he sidles past the two goblins, who grunt and cackle loudly as they cross streams and compare sizes.
At his low level and without companionship or any skills, Ryuk knows better than to venture too far from his guildhall. That said, he and Tamana did make a few exploratory trips around the block just to see if there were any good shops – there weren’t – but they did discover a public bulletin board with postings from other noobs looking to guild up.
It’s as good a place as any to start, that’s for sure. Besides, there’s no telling what kind of riffraff Hiccup will bring back to the guildhall.
Ryuk rounds the corner and scans for the bulletin board.
To his left, across the cobblestone street, is an Empress Thun gift and souvenir boutique. Stinkerbells flit in and out of the broken windows and rummage through the heaps and mounds of trash piled around the establishment.
Business does not appear to be booming.
To his right is a fishmonger’s shop featuring dried fish from the Endless Sea. These fish are difficult and expensive to obtain, as the flying fishing smacks must descend from the continental shelf to harvest them.
Pressed against the fishmonger’s is a non-descript Dr. Dandy Dave’s Apothecary with heavily barred windows and a pair of massive, beastly, heavily armed and armored orcs loitering nonchalantly outside.
A scrum of scruffy, jittery, twitching PCs, NPCs and RPCs anxiously await entry and surge forward as the solidly reinforced door swings outward. The orcs lay into the crowd with the flat of their swords to drive them back as an equally scruffy, jittery, twitching NPC zips out and nervously skirts those waiting to get in.
“Only one of yaz goes in. ONE! YOU!” The wider of the two Orcs bellows, and the would-be patron he’s pointed out slinks into the shop.
Ryuk sighs and shakes his head at yet more wizardous addicts. Damn fiends.
The guard orcs are clad in Thulean armor and dragon helms, which are most uncommon on the continent of Hyperborea. Their carriage and demeanor reminds Ryuk of the muscle that secures the lobby of his apartment building back in the real world, and the Thulean armor is similar to the armor worn by the Thulean NPC that attacked him in his bedroom.
He shudders at the thought of it happening again.
In a welter of flying feet, fists, knees, and elbows, a pair of half-sized goblins roll out of the doorway just in front of him. The larger of the two beats his opponent to the ground and goes to put the boot in just as a third pops out of the doorway and delivers a penalty kick right to Mr. Big’s goolies.
Number one bounces up off the ground and sinks his teeth in the goal-kicker’s neck while Mr. Big clutches his tender nether region, rolls on the ground and noisily and abundantly soils his ragged knee breeches.
Damn goblins. Ryuk sees the bulletin board not too far ahead just as a goblin woman uncorks a blood-curdling shriek.
A Mutt and Jeff team of sinewy goblin nogoodniks have a granny goblin backed up against the wall, a slim dagger dimpling her throat. The little goblin footpad tears at her bodice and exposes her flabby, saggy bazongas as he roots around for any hidden valuables.
Goblin Thief Level 1
HP: 65/65
ATK: 11
MATK: 1
DEF: 3
MDF: 4
LUCK: 2
Goblin Thief Level 2
HP: 79/79
ATK: 14
MATK: 0
DEF: 4
MDF: 3
LUCK: 1
Ryuk springs into action. He reaches into one of two pockets on his belt for a clear marble, loads it into his slingshot, draws and looses at the little guy.
The clear marble strikes and the goblin lights up from within by a tremendous bolt of electricity. He spasms, crackles, pops and collapses in a sizzling puddle of his own goblin grease.
Instakill!
The second goblin lunges at Ryuk pointy end first. “Fickin’ bring it, you ficktard!” he snarls as Ryuk fumbles for another marble.
Ryuk ducks the first attack and dances out of the way of the backhand riposte. This is the one good thing that has come from being a resetter – he’s kept some of his fancy ninja legwork. He gets a marble out, gets the slingshot up, and avoids the goblin’s third slashing attack.
At ‘can’t miss’ distance, the black marble blasts into the goblin’s chest, explodes, and takes him off his feet.
-15 HP!
Ryuk launches another black marble into the goblin’s head and blasts it into bloody vapor.
-19 HP!
The headless goblin spasms and dies.
Ryuk collects a few experience points from the goblin, but not a single rupee. Goblin muggers usually don’t have much unless they’ve just robbed someone.
“Thank you, thank-you kind sir!” The nana goblin approaches Ryuk and bats her eyes at him. “I almost forgot!”
“It’s fine,” he starts to say.
The granny goblin unselfconsciously stuffs her dairy pillows back into her bodice as best she can. She cocks an eyebrow at him as she reaches under her apron and purrs, “Let me reward you for saving me from those two dreadful beasts. They were absolutely awful!”
“Um … ”
He doesn’t see the oversized kukri she slams up under his ribcage, but he most definitely feels it when she jerks the blade up and out and cuts his ribs away from his sternum.
-75 HP!
“Fuck!” he cries as he falls to his knees, his vision pane flashing.
“Let’s see what you have for your old Mimi then,” she chortles as she rummages through the pouch of his belt. “Ooh! I’ll be having that.”
The goblin wench takes his last healing potion out of the pouch and tucks it in the front of her blouse. She picks up the first goblin’s dagger, tests its edge and balance, pulls Ryuk’s head back and cuts his throat.
Damn goblins!
Chapter 5: Paradise of the Insane
Tritania’s AI apparently has it in for him.
Ryuk spawns outside his guildhall again. He swipes his stats away – no need to remind himself of how far down the totem pole he is or how badly he just had his ass whooped.
Betrayed by a goblin; a filthy, nasty, ungrateful, front-stabbing goblin granny.
There’s fresh graffiti on the door, but the muffled rattle-bang-clank coming from inside catches his attention.
He takes his magic slingshot from his belt. With a black magic marble in the slingshot’s pouch, he half-draws, takes a deep breath in and kicks the door open like a SWAT team at a crack house.
With a bellowed war-cry, Ryuk leaps in with slingshot fully drawn.