“Real funny, Twixy, but I’ll forget the fact that you’re being a racist fickhole. Regardless of your racial biases, what do you think of the logo?”
FeeTwix scans the drawing for a moment, letting his fans have their say. “I’m definitely down with it, but I’m still trying to figure out why you think that two skulls with wings trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword would make a good logo for the Mitherfickers.”
Hiccup’s face flashes red. “Trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword!?” He jumps up and snatches the picture out of FeeTwix’s hand. “You know, both you and Liz have your minds in the fickin’ gutter.”
Jim clears his throat. “Sirs and madam, before you start adventuring, or planning people’s deaths, or coming up with poorly thought out guild logos, I think it is important that you see something. Follow me to the greenhouse, please.”
(0)__(x)
Jim leads the four Mitherfickers through the kitchen, where they see a heavyset chef and his saucier working on Hiccup’s breakfast request. The chef flours the wings which he then hands off to the saucier, who dips them and tosses them into the frying pan.
Hiccup stops griping about the Mitherfickers logo as soon as he takes one big whiff of the dragon wings. “Hurry it up, boys! Uncle Goblin is hungry!”
“Nique ta mere!” the saucier grumbles. “Casse-toi!”
“Sheesh, what’s gotten into that frog ficker?” Hiccup asks as they step out of the kitchen and into a narrow corridor.
“He doesn’t like to be rushed,” Jim explains hurriedly, “and I would suggest you not make eye contact nor speak to him on the way back through the kitchen. He’s been known to throw his cleaver at demanding customers.”
The hostelier pulls a key from his belt and unlocks a large green door, letting light spill out into the narrow hallway.
The greenhouse faces the Bonsor River, which sparkles in the early morning sun. Herbs and other edible plants reach to the glass ceiling. The small space is incredibly humid, and as Ryuk scans it, he spots the makeshift crib in the center of the greenhouse.
Hiccup buries his head in his mechanical hand. “Dragon ficks!” His hair lifts as Zaena ruffles it with her ghost limb.
“It hatched?” Ryuk asks as he approaches the manger.
About the size of a pug, and equally fat and round, the dragon has large ruby red eyes and icy blue skin. Its wings are about the size of the dragon wings that Hiccup is set to enjoy for breakfast, and the end of its tail is barbed.
The dragon yawns, and rolls onto its other side.
Infant Ice Dragon Level 1
HP: 100/100
ATK: 3
MANA: 10
MATK: 7
DEF: 1
MDF: 4
LUCK: 0
“He’s adorable!” Zaena approaches the baby dragon, which rests on a pile of freshly cut fern leaves. The Thulean makes a cooing sound from her throat and the dragon immediately awakes, yawns again, and blows a single snowflake into the air.
“Am I the only one here who knows what raising a baby dragon entails? There are so many factors, from psychological to socio-economical,” Hiccup grumbles. “And it’s an ice dragon? We already have one fickin’ snowflake in the group – you, Marbles, I’m talking about you – we definitely don’t need another!”
“Baka,” Ryuk whispers under his breath.
“Relax, buddy! This is going to be fun!” FeeTwix claps his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder. “A baby dragon, everyone! You saw it first here on my feed!” FeeTwix gets in closer to the dragon and holds his mirror out, so they are both in the frame. “Take your pictures now!”
Jim says, “She should have fully functional wings in about a week. It will, however, take her a bit longer to be large enough to take you from continent to continent.”
Hiccup gulps. “It’s a she? Have you guys ever dealt with a female dragon in heat?” He catches Ryuk’s gaze and nods over at Zaena. “They can get pretty crazy.”
“Watch it, goblin.” Zaena’s eyes flare and then soften as she again takes in the cute dragon. “And it’s a boy,” she corrects Jim. “Hard to tell at this age.”
Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this a day ago. Let’s fickin’ sell it! An ice dragon on the black market it worth at least, at least a hundo-K rupees, at least. Twixy?”
FeeTwix shakes his head.
“Marbles?”
“Um … ”
“Dammit, you’re a pussy. Jim?”
Jim bites his lip and looks away.
“Fine, fine.”
Ryuk gets on his knees next to Zaena, who now cradles the dragon. She lifts her green finger in front of the dragon’s face and it blows a small cloud of icy mist at her. “It’s so cold,” she says as she pulls her hand away.
“Do you have experience with ice dragons?” Ryuk asks her.
“No, contrary to popular belief, or to goblins who don’t know anything about my species, Thuleans don’t have too many dragons. Royalty does, but I’m not royalty.” She makes cooing noises and the baby male dragon makes the same noise back at her.
For someone with no experience with dragons, she sure knows how to communicate with them, Ryuk thinks.
“This is very wonderful,” Jim says, his eyes filling with joy. “I’ve never heard this language communicated before!”
“Language?” Zaena looks away from the dragon. “It’s not a language. Just making baby noises! All Thuleans do this.” She turns her head to Ryuk. “You’re the leader of our guild; if we are to fully bond with this dragon, it’ll be up to you to form this bonding relationship.”
Leader? Bonding?
Ryuk nods and scoots a bit closer to Zaena. “How do I bond with him?”
“Fick me to tears,” Hiccup laments, “this gets gayer by the minute.”
“You’ve never had a dragon before?” FeeTwix asks.
“We didn’t have dragons last time around,” he tells the Swede. “We rode griffins.”
“Those things smell like fickin’ booty tang.” Hiccup digs in his nose for something, finds what he is looking for, and flicks it at FeeTwix.
“Thanks for the reminder!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand after he’s dodged the nasal projectile. “I just want to take a moment to thank everyone watching this incredible moment! The Mitherfickers are about to dragon up, and after last night’s terrible betrayal, we can use all the help we can get. Speaking of betrayal, have you ever lifted your arm to find that your deodorant isn’t working? Or maybe you’re tired of greeting people with a friendly smile and a pair of epic sweat stains!”
With one eyebrow raised, Hiccup takes a sniff at his underarm, shrugs, and lowers his arm.
“Well, if you have, Arm and Speed Stick Spice has you covered! Sweaty and unbearable? Booty tang out the wazoo? Slap on some D-O for your B-O and finish with a quick Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Freshen Up Body Spray. Got a date and didn’t have time to shower? Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Quick Shower wipes got you covered! Okay, so you guys gotta try this stuff, and when you do, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to receive 20% off your first order. Free shipping for all online orders! Terms and conditions apply. Love you guys and remember, smell good for me.”
The goblin shakes his head. “I’m not going to say the string of curse words running through my disproportionately large brain at the moment. Let’s wrap this up, kiddos. My homie’s airship is leaving soon.”
“How do I bond with him?” Ryuk asks.