“Move it, goblin!” Machete Man growls.
Hiccup’s tomahawk appears in his mechanical hand. “Is it you who said that to me,” he says, pointing the little tomahawk at Machete Man, “or was it one of your fickin’ inbred kids? Look, boys, you see now what happens when you fick your sister after your mom had you by fickin’ her brother? Bad idea, huh? When does the chain of inbreeding end? Sad!”
Hiccup’s face morphs from anger to general confusion.
“Where the fick was I? Where’s Twixy?” He turns his back to his opponents and gives FeeTwix a big grin.
Dammit, Hiccup!
“Twixy! You won’t believe what I stole from that souvenir shop!” He produces a miniature gold statue of Empress Thun as he makes his way to the side of the Mitherfickers. “And look at the gazongas they put on this one!”
FeeTwix’s shotgun disappears and he steps forward with his shaman staff. “Not now, Hiccup.”
(0)__(0)
“I cannot allow you to take the elf,” FeeTwix says, his eyes black as a starless night. “Leave now, before this gets ugly.”
Machete Man Level 5
HP: 150/150
ATK: 36
MATK: 18
DEF: 54
MDF: 32
LUCK: 3
Piece of cake. Ryuk quickly glances at his sons’ stats to find that they are all equally leveled or lower.
“What are you going to do with that staff, part the waters?” Machete Man asks as his sons cackle behind him. “Ha! The Endless Sea is down there!” He flips the bird at FeeTwix and points it downward.
FeeTwix starts whispering some mantra as he steps forward.
“What the hell?” Machete Man asks as FeeTwix nears him.
“McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale; McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale. #FeeTwixRox at counter; #FeeTwixRox at counter. McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale … ”
Whack!
-52 HP! Critical hit!
FeeTwix knocks the living shit out of Machete Man with the end of his shaman staff. He twists the staff, dips back on his heel into a warrior pose, releases a gut-wrenching war cry, and drives the staff into the big man’s gut.
-29 HP!
“Fick yeah, Twixy!”
Zaena brushes past Hiccup and spins forward to meet two of the three brothers with her wall of blades.
Seeing his opening, the gaseous goblin goes to meet the youngest of the bunch. His tomahawk smashes into the young man’s shield, splintering it to pieces. The youngest swings his crappy sword overhand. Hiccup sidesteps his attack and brings his ax into an exposed bit of flab sticking out of the guy’s loose leather chest plate.
-38 HP!
The Mitherfickers have this, and just to make sure that the high elf doesn’t go anywhere, Ryuk trains his marble gun on her for the second time in the last few minutes.
She glances at him, sees the weapon, and from there turns her attention to Yangu the dragon.
“You have a dragon?” she mouths.
Sure enough, Yangu’s neck is extended over his shoulder, the dragon’s gaze honed in on Zaena, who continues to toy with the two inbred brothers.
With a smile on her face, the Thulean assassin slices through space and time, giving them two small nicks and avoiding their swipes at the very last moment. Her plan comes to fruition when the biggest of the two rears back with his sword and brings it down on his brother, Zaena stepping aside just in time.
Fratricide!
She quickly takes the head of the bigger one and it flies into the stand outside the souvenir shop.
Instakill!
“Hell yeah, babe, fatality!” FeeTwix delivers the finishing blow to Machete Man around the same time Hiccup finishes bashing the youngest brother’s skull in with his tomahawk. It is a bloody, gory mess by the time the Mitherfickers have finished cleaning shop.
“Now,” FeeTwix turns to the high elf as EXP is doled out, “tell us why we just protected you.”
Hiccup immediately begins checking their corpses for loot, cursing and rattling off about Hyperborea country folk each time he comes up empty-handed.
“My name is Enway Zoltan.” The elven woman’s ears press back and she moves closer to Ryuk. “Is that really a dragon?”
“No, it’s a baby Thulean. Why the fick haven’t we killed her yet too?”
“Relax, Hiccup.”
“Just disappointed. These fickers don’t have shit!”
Zaena approaches, all but one of her swords sheathed. She sizes Enway up – she’s only a few centimeters taller than the high elf – and takes her place next to FeeTwix.
“Cheap ficks,” Hiccup laments, “where’s the family fortune?” The goblin kicks one of the bodies he’s just checked. His stomach grumbles, and an eruption from his nether cheeks quickly follows.
“You won’t find anything on them aside from a few rupees, goblin,” says Enway. “If you’re looking for their loot … ” She raises her finger to access her inventory list and thinks otherwise.
Hiccup points his tomahawk at her. “First – and I’m fickin’ serious here, people – the name is Hiccup. Spell it out with me now: H-I-C-C-U-P. Ha! You ever heard this one, Twixy? I-C-U-P, get it?” He glances to FeeTwix for approval and gets a tight nod.
“Don’t mind him,” Zaena says.
“It’d be in your best interest to mind me.” Hiccup’s tomahawk disappears and he approaches the elf with his hands outstretched. “Now if you have some loot, cough it up. Otherwise, I will personally see to it that your body is left here with the other bad hombres.” He turns to Ryuk. “These fickers were bad hombres, right?”
Enway giggles. “Where did you learn Spanish?”
“Spanish? What the fick are you going on about?”
Bad what? Ryuk considers for a moment that for an NPC, Hiccup sure uses a lot of words, either correctly or incorrectly, that even he has never heard before. Something cold brushes against his neck, interrupting his thought. “Relax, Yangu,” he whispers. The baby dragon yawns and blows a needle-thin icicle into the air.
“How cute! Can I hold it?” Enway takes a step closer to Ryuk.
“Finish answering his question first.” Ryuk nods to FeeTwix.
“Yeah,” the Swede says, “why were they chasing you? What is it you stole from them?”
“They stole from me and I stole it back from them.”
“What did they steal exactly?” Out of the corner of his eye, Ryuk sees Hiccup giving him the ‘wrap it up’ signal. The goblin points to an invisible watch, he then makes the hand gesture of a bird flying.
“We need to get to Polynya,” Ryuk says.
“And quick too!” Hiccup adds. “Captain Rehab doesn’t wait for anyone!”
“What are the odds? That’s where I was planning to go! I need to return to Katiyana, my village.” Her nearly translucent blue eyes lock onto Ryuk. “Would you guys care to join me there?”
Quest: Will you accompany Enway Zoltan to her village?
Rewards: Possible level-ups and the other benefits associated with companionship.
Risks: Typical risks associated with joining up with an unknown traveler.
With a flick of his finger, the map of Polynya pops up. Katiyana isn’t far from Porthos. The original plan was to head to Talini, but this could work too …
Ryuk fires off a message to the guild.
Ryuk: What do you think?
FeeTwix: My fans have pulled some data on her. She seems genuine. We’ll keep an eye on her.