Hiccup snorts at his own crude joke and Ryuk pulls his arm away. He steps to the front of the group, and keeps quiet as Enway leads them past a small roadside stand manned by a short gnome with a long white beard and Buddy Holly glasses.
“Hey!” the gnome calls after them.
He reaches his hand around and beats it on the front of his stand. “Young adventurers! Slayers of dragons, um, never mind that last part! Yes! Yes! Yes! Rescuers of the imprisoned and handsome commoners! Goblins galore, do I have a deal for you!”
Zaena stops and the short gnome’s eyes lock onto her Unigaean necklace. “Me-oh-my-oh-me, it’s really a piece of Olivas, isn’t it? Marvelous!”
Ryuk quickly reads the sign on top of the gnome’s stand: Marty the Gnome’s Overland Tours. He glances at Enway and she shrugs. “Works for me.”
“Works for you? Not yet I don’t! I must prove my worth, young adventurers! Please, allow me … ” Marty the Gnome hops off a stool and comes around to the front of his stand. “I’ll start with admiring your necklace, Thulean beauty.”
Zaena smiles. “It was a gift.”
“A gift from Unigaea,” he says as a memory sweeps over his face. “I am from Unigaea, I’ll have you know. I came here several years ago. I love Polynya, mind you, but one can never forget their homeland.”
Hiccup takes two steps closer to the gnome, sizing him up. He’s two heads taller than the immiNPC and at least two sizes larger.
“And this chic goblin. What might I ask is your name?”
“Chic?”
“Chic! A great name!”
Hiccup bares his teeth. “The name is Hiccup.”
“Short for Hiccupanaratapana, correct?”
Hiccup’s snarl turns into a slight grin. “Yes, that’s … that’s my full name.”
“And may I say, I love what you’ve done with your pink hair, neat arm too. And you, marble slinger, put your hood on and let me see how cool you look.”
Ryuk gives him a funny look.
“I’m waiting,” Marty the Gnome says, his voice pitching up.
“Don’t keep the man waiting, Marbles.”
“Fine.” Ryuk pops his brown hood up and quickly pulls it back down.
“Astounding! And you, the black-eyed blondo hero of the group, put ‘er there!”
Marty and FeeTwix bump fists. “Pleasure to meet you, Marty!”
“The pleasure is all mine. Ah yes, finally we come to the elf, a tall and beautiful elf if I’ve ever seen one! With luscious locks and pointed ears and skin the color of cream, you must be, without a shadow of a doubt, royalty.”
Zaena’s smile shatters and she covers it by looking away.
“Just any old elf,” Enway says, kicking at the ground.
“Why good! Good! And you are in need of transportation, are you not? Might I suggest Sulitlana, where you will find the most delectable treats? We could also head to Talini, if you’d like to see ancient Tritanian culture in practice. How about Naklan, home of the infamous game of Natty Dread!”
Hiccup whips his finger out of his nose. “Fick no! You see this tin can of an arm? This is what happens when you play Natty Dread, that or you lose your chalupa.”
“Churro,” Enway corrects him.
“Ah, then I know the perfect place for you, Hiccup, a city to the far east called Bluwid, which is a goblin hotspot, as I’m sure you know!”
“Second only to a goblin wetspot!” Hiccup chortles at his own joke and Marty joins him.
“Okay, okay, enough silly talk, let’s talk business. I’m going to be honest with you five because I like you. I love the diversity, from a goblin to an elf to a Thulean to a couple of pretty standard commoners.”
“Pretty standard?” Ryuk asks under his breath.
“And the ice dragon! How can I forget that cute little ice dragon. You guys have some quest ahead of you, I’m sure, which is why I think we should start with my very best tour package, the Diamond Platinum Plus Package, which gets you passage to any city in Polynya aside from Porthos as it is closed down, but including Waringtla, the Saiduka giant city. This all-inclusive package includes complete protection against any enemy forces, a covered wagon with an open bar inside, a full body massage, as well as a Unigaean lullaby that will put you to sleep immediately, so you awake in the new city well rested.”
“The cost?” Hiccup asks, suddenly growing suspicious.
“For you five, the cost is significantly cheaper than the other adventurers I meet. I love the diversity, like I said, but let’s not talk cost first, let’s talk needs.”
“No, let’s talk cost, Marty,” FeeTwix says, taking the lead. His eyes flash blue and he offers the gnome a smile. “We’ll start there, then we’ll get to needs.”
“The cost is a low, a very low, forty-five thousand rupees after a ten percent diversity and inclusion discount.”
Zaena gawks at the cost. “For passage to any city? We could walk to the next city for free!”
“But my dear! There are all sorts of enemies that, ahem, adventurers under level twenty will not be able to face. That said, there are two more exciting packages I can offer.”
“Or we can find another wagon.” Enway nods to a few more wagons down the way with their drivers out front, calling out costs.
“By the Empress’ impressive stature and humorous musings! Those wagons?” He laughs. “Paltry, pathetic, pacifistic drivers who, by the way, actually work with many of the bandits that frequent the wagon paths. So sure, go check their prices, be my guest.”
“Enough with the fickin’ shilling, gnome, what’s your next package?”
Marty the Gnome takes off his glasses, wipes something off the lens, and returns them to his face. “My next package is a dang good deal if I do say so myself! The Silver Ruby Bonus Package is similar to the Diamond Platinum Plus Package in the sense that it provides transport to any city in Polynya, aside from Porthos. This package includes protection from enemies as well as a covered wagon, but it doesn’t include any of the amenities of the Diamond Platinum Plus Package.”
“Got it, got it,” Hiccup places his hand on his toe knife. “The cost. How about starting with the cost.”
“A low, low price of thirty thousand rupees,” Marty says. “With a diversity discount of three thousand rupees.”
“Fick no, I could buy a new arm for that price, Marty. What’s your most affordable package?”
“Ah, the pleasant peasant package, as we like to say around here.” He glances around and laughs as if others are joining him. “The Bronze Crystal Super Package includes transportation to anywhere on Polynya, aside from Porthos. The wagon is not covered, and no protection is given. The cost is eight thousand rupees.”
“Done.” FeeTwix claps his hands together. “We can provide our own protection!”
“Are you sure? There are Magic Gorgers along the way. They don’t always come out, but when they do, it can be quite terrible.”
“Pfft! It’ll be a cold day in the Goblin Riviera when I’m afraid of a Magic Gorger. Any way you can throw the massage in there for 2k more?” Hiccup squeezes his trapezius. “I think I fickin’ slept wrong, that or bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders has finally paid its toll.”
“Not in this package, I’m afraid.” Marty turns from them to ready the wagon. “But I’m sure one of your guildmates would be happy to give you a massage!”
(0)__(0)
As the Mitherfickers ride in their uncovered wagon towards Katiyana, Ryuk turns his backpack around and admires Yangu. He’s been so distracted since getting him, or bonding with him, that he hasn’t really had a chance to just look the baby ice dragon over.