After Tamana secures her seat, the dragon begins flapping its wings.
This should really kick Ryuk in the nuts, Kodai thinks as the dragon lifts into the air. Tamana will prove a formidable foe for his younger brother’s guild, and Tomas, at level 51, will seal the deal.
They’ll respawn, and she can kill them again once they do.
It’s too easy, he thinks as he focuses on Tamana. She’ll never break from the trance put on her by the serpent woman.
Kodai laughs aloud and Rin looks at him.
“Everything okay, boss?” the pink salon manager asks, swallowing hard.
“Yes,” he says sharply, “you’d know if things weren’t okay.”
A message flashes on Kodai’s iNet screen and he flinches.
Satomi: Your mother requests to see you and your brother at noon tomorrow. There will not be food, so eat before you come.
Kodai’s recent happiness shatters into a million pieces. He closes his eyes, bites his lip, and finally fires off a message to their mother’s assistant.
Kodai: Tell her we will be there. Has she contacted Ryuk?
Satomi: I will contact him next. If he is diving, I will relay the message to Hajime.
Kodai: Of course he’s diving; he’s always diving.
Satomi: Then I will relay the message to Hajime.
Chapter 9: Relics ‘R’ Us
It’s early evening by the time the Mitherfickers pull up the long and winding road that leads to Katiyana. The setting sun cuts through the peaks of a few of the more jagged mountains that surround the elven village and the air is crisp, less humid than the air closer to the continental shelf.
The Silver Ruby Bonus Package was worth its weight in, well, bronze, and Marty the Gnome did his ‘get in my belly’ move at least six times along the way, clearing out any Magic Gorgers in the vicinity.
Wish we hadn’t lost that EXP though, Ryuk thinks as the wagon bumps up and down. He might be at the right level to travel to Polynya, but like always, they’ll need to get much stronger if they hope to face off against the Shinigami.
And some faceoff that will be.
There’s no telling what the Shinigami will throw at them next, and thinking about that again reminds him of the serpent woman he encountered in the basement of the Shinigami’s rented guildhall.
“Still daydreaming about Tammy, huh, kid?” Hiccup asks as the wagon grinds to a halt.
“Baka.” Ryuk hops out of the wagon without responding to the goblin.
“What the fick, Marbles?” Hiccup calls after him. “Is that anyway to treat your only friend?”
“I’m his friend too, Hiccup!” The Swede stands in his big overcoat and fingerless gloves next to Zaena, who hasn’t taken her eyes off the surrounding mountains since they approached the city.
“Two friends then, and a dragon, and I’m not talking about you, Liz, I’m talking about this third wheel.”
Hiccup approaches Yangu, who is still in the backpack slung over Ryuk’s shoulder. The baby dragon hisses and spits a fairly large cloud of icicles at the goblin.
“Hey!” Hiccup waves his brass hand in front of him. “Keep it up, Snowballs, and you’ll find out what it feels like to become a dragon wing! Wait a damn minute … that’s a great nickname! Snowballs!”
Zaena ruffles the goblin’s pink topknot. “Behave around the young dragon, and Snowballs? Is this really the nickname you’ve chosen?”
“You catch on quick for a lizard, Lizzy. Let’s see, we have Marbles, Twixy, Elfy – although she’s not really part of the guild, and seriously, Marbles, if you want her to join up, we’re going to need to do a number of things as part of the Mitherfickers’ new extreme vetting rules, including a fickin’ polygraph and a palm reading because, believe you me, a lot can be discovered about a person via their palm, but that’s beside the point – where was I?”
His eyes start to glaze over but light flashes behind them. “Snowballs! Marbles, Liz, Twixy, Uncle Goblin, and Snowballs.”
Zaena mutters something in Thulean and Hiccup responds with an equally guttural, indecipherable response.
“Snowballs is a fun name!” FeeTwix announces. “My fans are loving it! Any chance of a name change, Ryuk?” The Swede looks at him with big, puppy dog black eyes. “You know, for the fans.”
Zaena scoffs. “We should let the dragon decide when it is older, once it can speak.”
“Snowballs is a fickin’ good name, Liz, and you know it. Maybe even better if we add a ‘z’ to the end, Snowballz. No, too buzzy. Too douchey. Snowballs it is.”
“Come on, you guys! Do you always argue this much?” Enway beckons them forward.
“Who the fick is she to judge us?” Hiccup glances to Zaena for support and for once the Thulean nods.
An odd couple if there ever was one, Ryuk thinks.
A passing elf, an older man in purple robes with golden trim, sticks his nose up as soon as he spots Hiccup.
“Yeah? Fick you too, mister.”
“Excuse me?” A glowing orb appears in his hand.
“I got two glowing orbs for you,” Hiccup tells him, grabbing his proof of goblinhood with his mechanical hand. “If you want it, bring it. It’ll be a cold day in the Empress’ expertly trimmed snatch before I let a fickin’ elf scare me!”
“Cállete la pinche boca!” Enway steps between them and apologizes to the older elf, who smooths his hands over his robes, grunts, and moves on.
“The fick did she just say?” Hiccup huffs. “Sounds like gibberish. Teachable moment,” he tells himself, “teachable moment. All right, Mitherfickers and Elfy, what you just witnessed there was an example of goblin discrimination. The elf saw me and he immediately turned his nose up. See, Liz? Told you it’s a thing.”
“I think he raised his nose at you because you farted.”
Hiccup nearly loses his balance. “Farted? I haven’t farted as you so crudely put it since we got out of the wagon.”
“I know,” she says, pinching her nose, “it lingers.”
“All right, all right,” FeeTwix tells his fans as a mirror appears in his hand, “now is as good a time as any.”
“Boy fick, here we go.”
The Swede smiles at his own reflection. “Do you have a gassy goblin in your guild? Maybe your uncle eats too much spicy food or maybe your IBS comes with an odorous stench the likes of which could kill flowers, deplete what’s left of the ozone layer, or peel the paint off an aeros! If so, you need Gassy Assy Boom Time Bum Defuser from Johnson & Pfizor! Get your dignity back, and stop scaring away the locals! Eat whatever you’d like and avoid the consequences! And for the next twenty-four hours only, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a packet of equally useful Shart Brand Backfire Diapers. Terms and conditions apply. See web store for details.”
Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. His face turns two shades redder, and just as he’s about to reach his breaking point, the goblin’s nose twitches. “What the hell is that smell?” His eyes soften and his nostrils flare up.
“Probably you,” Zaena says as they continue up the small hill lined with quaint shops including a place where one can have their ears expertly cleaned.
A smile forms on his face and he licks his lips, instantly forgetting what has just transpired. “Smells fickin’ yummy!” He drums his fingers on his belly. “My god, I can taste the dragon wings! Hear that, Snowballs? That’s what you’ll become if you don’t keep your ice bullshit to yourself!”
“That’s the local barbeque restaurant.” Enway points to a sign in the distance. “DD’s BBQ. It’s new, and very popular.”