“Chalupas are already split,” Enway says as she enters the room. “I’ve fed Yangu–”
“Snowballs!”
“And he fell asleep next to his food bowl.”
“Young dragons always need more sleep than older ones.” FeeTwix’s bolonet lifts into the air, seemingly of its own volition.
“Careful!” he tells Zaena as she aims the muzzle at Hiccup.
“Liz, same thing I told Twixy applies to you,” the goblin growls without looking up from his book. “Now quit distracting me, I’m trying to read about lesbians. Everyone in this guild needs to get woke.” He waves his copy of the Well of Loneliness at her.
Get woke? Ryuk shakes his head. The damn goblin is always rattling off about something.
“What about the gun you had that shoots automatically?” Zaena asks.
“Ah, my remote sentry weapon.” FeeTwix shrugs. “I’d love to use that, but there could be friendlies in the area, sheep too. So we’re going to go old school!” A pizza box-sized electronic device materializes in front of him. It features a single unit in the middle anchored by four downward facing propellers. “A drone from the 2030s!”
“That is old school,” Ryuk says as he approaches the drone.
FeeTwix sets it on the ground and produces his remote control and presses a big red button labeled “auto.” The auto-drone lifts, accompanied by a buzzing sound. “The Eye in the Sky will help us spot and track the wolf. And you can be our other eye in the sky, Ryuk, by going to one of the terraces that surround the farms and using that Extreme Focus skill of yours. I’ll stay more or less in the center and when we see the wolf, I’ll try to bolo it. If that doesn’t work, I’ll peg it with a GPS bullet. Then we’ll follow it back to its lair and slaughter it.”
“What about us?” Zaena asks.
“I’m good here,” Hiccup says.
“He’s right. You two stay here for now, as soon as I net the wolf or peg it, spawn at my location and help me take it down.”
Zaena’s face hardens. “I want to be part of the hunting party.”
“You are, dear, trust me, but too many chefs spoil the soup.”
“He has a point.” Hiccup closes his book and yanks a healing potion out of thin air. He pops the top off the generic healing potion, takes his first sip, and cringes. “Oh yeah, that’s right, these ones ain’t half bad. Not Hopkins’, but what the fick can you do? Gotta save the good stuff for later. And don’t you say shit about me wasting a potion, Marbles, it’s prophylactic.”
The goblin guzzles the potion, jams his tongue inside to pick up any leftover residue, and once he’s finished, drops the potion onto the couch and returns his focus to his erotic novel. “Love me some lesbians,” he says as he licks his lips.
“We’ll be ready to spawn as soon as you give the signal,” Zaena nods. “I look forward to it.”
“Speak for yourself, Liz, although wolf meat ain’t half bad. You have to cure it right, but that’s a cinch.”
Enway clears her throat. “I’ll come with them as well – this sounds like it will be interesting!”
“Last thing.” FeeTwix equips a spray can called No Odor and gives himself a thorough spritzing. He tosses the can to Ryuk and tells him to do the same. “Before you ask, this eliminates our scent. Used it all the fucking time in Dead City. The damn zombie dogs there retain their sense of smell; this stuff works like a charm.”
“Um.” Ryuk points the spray nozzle at his body and gives himself a good coating. The spray, not surprisingly, doesn’t smell like anything.
“Between the legs too,” Hiccup comments, not taking his eyes off his text. “Nobody likes swamp ass.”
“Last thing, I swear!” Night vision goggles attached to an elaborate geared head mount form over FeeTwix’s eyes.
“You a jeweler now?” asks Hiccup.
“A jeweler? No, no, my troubled goblin amigo. These NVDs are a replica of the ones used by the United States Marines!”
“NVDs?” Zaena asks.
“Night vision device, or better, an optoelectronic device, which produces a monochrome green image in even the darkest of dark situations. Cool, huh?”
“So you are like an elf then?” She nods to Enway. “Elves can see in the dark.”
“That’s one way to look at it, babe. I’m like an elf, which reminds me … ” He pops the goggles up, equips his little mirror, and his eyes flash black. “And we’re back, people! Hello America and all the ships at sea! Are you clean enough? Are you moist enough?”
Hiccup shoots FeeTwix a suspicious glance.
“Well, if you aren’t, and hell, even if you are, Unilever & Gamble’s moisturizing aloe berry crisp hand sanitizer with added vitamin E kills 99.99% of germs in less than ten seconds and adds moisture to your skin in a fresh and revitalizing way. You’re gonna love it! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a bonus pack of Clean Me Up and Wipe Me Down sanitary wipes! Hiccup the goblin is hooked on these wipes! Just ask him!” He swivels to Hiccup and the goblin gives FeeTwix the finger.
“Just imagine how clean that filthy goblin finger would be if he used some moisturizing aloe berry crisp hand sanitizer and followed it up with a Clean Me Up and Wipe Me Down sanitary wipe! Don’t miss out on this special offer today. Love you guys.” He blows kisses at the mirror in his hand. “Now let’s go catch us a big, bad wolf!”
(0)__(0)
Ryuk gets into position on one of the lower terraces. The night is cool, the moon barely visible. The grains are high, and out of respect for the farmers, he tries his best not to trample any of their handiwork.
FeeTwix’s auto-drone buzzes over a flock of sheep to the south.
After a deep breath to settle his nerves, Ryuk’s Extreme Focus skill kicks in. With his skill’s tunnel vision effect, he can see the Swede creeping around, his bolonet rifle at the ready and his GPS gun at his hip.
Remembering Hajime’s oblique quote, the most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten – breathe, Ryuk hones in on the movement of air in his body until he can feel the breath move from his lungs to his blood, and from there, to his appendages.
His focus pulses with each breath in. Minute details become increasingly apparent, from a ladybug crawling on a stem of wheat five meters away to the plinking sound of a droplet of water from a leaky pipe two fields over.
There.
His ears twitch slightly at the sound of an animal moving through the wheat on the northern terrace.
He readies his marble gun.
Ryuk: The wolf is approaching from the northern terrace. I’m out of range.
FeeTwix: Copy that. I’ll get him with the GPS bullet first, just in case I can’t get him with the net.
Ryuk focuses on FeeTwix for a moment.
The Swede has taken a position behind a barrel, using the barrel to steady his arms as he waits for the wolf to approach. The night vision goggles are on his head, and he’s as still as a frozen cactus as the canine slowly makes his way to a pen filled with sheep.
The sheep bleat and a few shuffle around, but other than that, they seem completely oblivious to the predator.
Ryuk: Damn, the wolf is big.
Hiccup: That’s what she said.
Ryuk: I thought you were reading.
Hiccup: Goblins excel at multitasking.
FeeTwix: How big?
Zaena: Do you need us yet?
Ryuk: The wolf is the size of a donkey, at least that size.
FeeTwix: Roger.
Hiccup: Who the fick is Roger?
Ryuk ignores the ensuing conversation as something red catches his eyes. He looks up at the approaching red outline. A dragon?
Ryuk: A dragon is approaching.
Zaena: We’re coming to you!
FeeTwix: Everyone stay cool just for a moment longer.
Shit, Ryuk thinks as two other forms appear on the dragon. He can’t make out the details of the riders yet, but there are definitely two.