Save Hiccup? Even Ryuk takes a split second to consider this and its implications. They may be a motley group, half NPC and half commoner, but the Mitherfickers are the best damn guild he’s ever been part of, well, sort of. Well, at least for entertainment value, Ryuk thinks, and while they bicker and disagree, everyone has each other’s back.
Case in point: FeeTwix, who has equipped the bazooka he forced Ryuk to use against the Cherry Blossom Ninjas. With a squeeze of the trigger, the rocket whips into the air and collides with the great flying beast’s tail.
-110 HP!
“Fiiiiiiiicccckkk yoooooouuuu, Twixxxxxxyyyyyyy!” Ryuk hears Hiccup shout, as the bird drops towards the ground. Soon, it’s trying to again pick up speed, forcing the goblin to run like a madman through a patch of prickly bushes. “Fick, fick, fick!” he cries, running and simultaneously trying to wiggle out of the bird’s grip.
Ryuk leaps over a bush, nearly trips, gets his footing, and keeps his marble gun trained on the bird’s ass. He’ll take any shot, but his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy Skill would definitely leave the bird begging for mercy.
He keeps his Marble Gun trained on the bird, and he’s just about to fire off a round of molten marbles when the creature turns, pulls back, and screeches, sending a tunnel of wind in Ryuk’s direction.
Whack!
-69 HP!
He hits the ground hard after colliding with a tree branch. Another rocket sails over his head. Ryuk looks up just in time to see it pass right next to the bird, who has veered off to the left, Hiccup in its grip and Zaena trying desperately to climb up to its neck.
“I’m going with a hack!” FeeTwix announces.
Ryuk stands, rubs his temples for a moment, and takes off the other way once the bird has swooped back around.
“Shit!” He pops his molten mag out and replaces it with sword marbles. He keeps running, aimed directly at the shore of the lake. He glances over his shoulder, back to his path, and over his shoulder again.
The bird is gaining on him.
If I can just …
Ryuk takes a deep breath and increases his speed. The bird chases and just as it is about to snap at him with its ginormous beak, Ryuk drops onto his back, slides forward, and with his marble gun aimed over his head, fires all eight sword marbles at the approaching bird.
-85 HP! -106 HP! -32 HP! -66 HP!
The bird lifts and drops Hiccup, who lands on Ryuk and for once doesn’t let loose a cloud of putrid fecal fumes.
“Get off me, Hiccup!”
“Shit, Marbles! Fick this! Fick this! I’m going back to Jatla!” The goblin pushes himself off Ryuk and accidently stumbles over him again as he tries to flee. This time he does remind Ryuk what DD’s BBQ must have tasted like, and it takes all of Ryuk’s willpower not to pistol-whip the living shit out of the gaseous goblin.
Zaena flips off the flailing bird and superhero lands next to Hiccup.
The charochakcha hits the ground, scrambles to its feet and …
Schoooom!
A bolt of green energy at least two meters tall rips through the soil. It connects with the large bird, rips its head and shoulders off in a spray of blood, and continues past the now dead creature, where it eventually takes out a large oak tree.
Instakill!
Level up! LUCK +1
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 16 Ballistics Mage
HP: 426/495
ATK: 103
MATK: 134
DEF: 81
MDF: 56
LUCK: 14
Ryuk feels a pouch form on his belt and a prompt appears.
New marble acquired! Gravity marbles change the gravitational pull of the object it connects with. It will pull a flying object to the ground, and move a semi-stationary object to the nearest surface. It can also be used to hurl an enemy into an object.
A new marble?
“Hey, I got a new marble,” Ryuk informs his guildmates.
“What kind?” Zaena stands near him now, brushing off her armor. There are a few scrapes and nicks on her, but the huge smile on her face tells Ryuk that she lives for this kind of action.
“A gravity marble.”
“We’ll have to test that out.”
“Fick!” Hiccup says as he watches the bird’s body continue to burn with a green fire. The goblin looks down the line at FeeTwix, whose mutant hack crossbow has already returned to its original shape. From there, he looks back at the bird, nodding as he takes in the Swede’s handiwork.
“Not fickin’ bad, Twixy,” he says as a large knife appears in his hand. “Liz, set up camp by the water. Marbles, get out my sleeping bag. We can fick with your new marble later. Let’s carve this bitch up while the meat is still smoking.”
“I don’t have your sleeping bag,” Ryuk says, still unsure if it is a good idea to breathe after the foul stench that the goblin just bequeathed onto the digital world.
“FeeTwix does. That reminds me.” Hiccup takes a cherry-flavored, generic healing potion out of thin air and downs it. “Fick me, that’s the good stuff.” He reviews the label. “Cherry Apollos, huh? Fick, this is a good potion. I’ll have to write this one down.”
He burps, and tosses the bottle over his shoulder. Another potion appears and he savors this one, doing his best to clean inside the bottle with his boily tongue. “Yeah, it’ll give me heartburn later, and if this doesn’t, this oversized pigeon over here definitely will. But them’s the ropes. Come on, Mitherfickers, let’s camp.”
“I’m not eating that.”
“You know what, Liz? Normally, I’d argue with you, but Uncle Goblin is tired right now and all I really want to do is eat something, drink something, relax under the stars, think about some of my past loves and see what arises if you get my hint, and sleep in tomorrow. So, just to show you how big of a gentleman I am, I won’t respond to your clear and bigoted hatred towards good eating.”
The two lock eyes.
“And one other thing,” says the goblin, “um, thanks for saving me back there.”
“It was my pleasure, Hiccup.”
“Although it was actually Marbles and Twixy who saved me, but you were the first to go for it.”
“You’re pushing your luck. And seriously, I’m not eating charochakcha.”
Hiccup snorts, “Fine, fine, Your Highness, the kid and I will catch some fickin’ fish for you. Ain’t that right, Marbles?”
“Um … sure.”
“Fickin’ fish – that has a ring to it!”
Chapter 16: Poisoned by a Seagull
After waking at the crack of dawn, Ryuk looks up at the ceiling of their yurt, something FeeTwix apparently had stuffed in his inventory list, and from there, he glances around the circular tent to find the Swede and Zaena cuddled up under a blanket. A glance to the door and he sees the goblin with his back pressed against the wall, snoring loudly.
Hiccup wears a soiled bathrobe and a pair of, oddly enough, Japanese clogs, called geta. Where the goblin gets his odd clothing is beyond Ryuk. Further adding to Hiccup’s general air of bodily excretions is an actual snot bubble expanding and contracting as he snores.
Ryuk chuckles. He’s only seen that before in manga and anime, never in real life.
Real life? Ha!
He gets out of the small bed and makes his way to the front door of FeeTwix’s yurt. The cool morning air greets his face as he steps past a pile of discarded fish bones. He remembers catching the “fickin’ fish” by firing an explosive marble into the water. It was, of course, Hiccup’s idea, and it worked brilliantly.