FeeTwix’s blades whirl around in the air overhead, taking out anything that makes the unfortunate mistake of getting in their trajectory.
After growing bored with this attack, the famous Swedish gamer equips a golf club and tees off at the nearest imp. He bashes, bangs, and once he finishes his double eagle, he tosses the club over his head and goes for his Glock, which was conveniently tucked into the back of his pants. The ends of his overcoat flicker in the air as the Swede does the patented dive and shoot.
Insta-Insta-Instakill!
Spent shells zip through the air as he lands with a sweet, clearly mastered, roll. Once he’s up, FeeTwix pistol-whips the living shit out of a purple imp with a white Thulean tattoo across its back, and sends the little bastard flying into Zaena’s waiting blades. Instakill! Bifurcated, the top of the imp flies left, the bottom flies to the right.
“Level up!” FeeTwix announces. “Fuck yeah, people, up to two million! Gotta do this … ” He shoots another imp and the bullet passes through the little monster into the wing of another. “Okay, everyone, now that I have your attention. You won’t believe the sale that EBAYmazon is having right now on adult novelty toys! Now, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of what they have … Fuck you, imp!”
FeeTwix elbows an imp in the face, sending its teeth flying. He doubles back with a pair of brass knuckles, takes the imp to the ground, and finishes the job MMA style. “Whew!” He wipes his brow. “Where was I? Ha! I practically have early Goblinheimer’s, am I right?”
“Fick you, Twixy!” Hiccup bashes an imp with his spiked club.
“Ah yes, novelty toys!” The Swede’s slice bang appears in his hand and he comes up and takes an imp’s head off. Instakill! “Damn right that’s an instakill!” he says, slightly out of breath. “So, adult novelty toys. People, you know you want them, and hell, if you need them, you need them. No shame! Don’t let oppressive laws stop you from putting whatever you’d like in your ass!”
“What the fick are you going on about?” Hiccup shouts. Ryuk pegs another imp, but is now keen to hear FeeTwix finish his adult-themed ad read.
“All I’m saying is everything is somebody’s something, if you get my drift! And right now on EBAYmazon, all adult novelty toys are a whopping twenty percent off with the promo code #FeeTwixRox! Get it delivered by drone in an unmarked package and have some fun with your sigother! Hell, go at it alone if you have to, but do not let anyone tell you how to live your sex life!”
“Give me a fickin’ break!” Hiccup shouts.
FeeTwix tosses his slice bang away, equips a mirror, and points to it, his eyes as black as the holes that will soon be filled by discounted sex toys. “You do you,” he says in all seriousness, and with that, a baseball cap appears on the Swedish huckster’s head. Not seconds later, a baseball bat materializes in his hands, and after a practice swing, he gets to Babe Ruthing the imps that have surrounded him.
Hiccup rolls his eyes, slams another healing potion, uses the bottle to beat in the face of an imp that has jumped onto his back, and after he’s thrown the imp off, Zaena gives it the Cuisinart treatment.
“That was a strange advertisement!” she calls over to FeeTwix.
He laughs like a madman. “All in a day’s work, babe! Now get out there, people, and get your jollies!”
Ryuk goes for his slingshot and zings one of his new gravity marbles at an imp descending from a hole up top. Suddenly, the imp’s body is flung backwards and it sticks to the ceiling.
Interesting. He pings another one dancing around Hiccup and the imp flies to the side wall, taking out a couple of dancing devils like they’re pinballs.
“Fick yeah, Marbles!” Propelled by a blistering blast of barbecue afterthought, Hiccup springs forward and knocks the socks off a hopping imp.
-144 HP! Critical hit!
Ryuk recalls the skill he learned leveling up in Port of Protla and jams a molten marble in his mouth.
Spit fire!
He sprays an incoming troupe of little winged fuckers and accidently singes Hiccup in the process.
“Yeeeoooooy!” The goblin hightails it, trying to bat out the fire raging on his lower back that is now being fueled by his near limitless stream of natural gas. The fire spreads, and as soon as he gets his wits about him, he drops to the ground and starts rolling.
“I’ve got you, Hiccup!” His recently equipped baseball cap now on backwards, FeeTwix yanks a fire extinguisher from his list and hoses the goblin off. It doesn’t take much longer for the Mitherfickers and the big bad wolf to clean up what’s left of the imps.
As the battle finishes, and Zaena starts moving all the dead imps to one side of the chamber, Hiccup equips Frank’s Toe Knife and marches right over to Ryuk.
“Look … ” he says, tears in his eyes as he points his knife at Ryuk. “Look what you did to my fickin’ hair!”
Sure enough, the goblin’s pink topknot has been singed to a nearly nonexistent state. It’s still there, but the parts that are visible are now black. “Fix it, goddammit!”
“Um … ?” Ryuk looks to FeeTwix, whose black eyes are taking in all the goblin action. From there he looks to Wolf, who has started gnawing on one of the imps’ legs, and from there to Zaena, who is still, oddly enough, stacking bodies. “You want me to shoot you with a marble?”
“No, I want you to stick a marble up my ass.”
Ryuk gives him an uncertain look.
“Yes, dammit, shoot me! Do your little wish spell thing and get my fickin’ hair back. I swear to the Empress’ liquid-gold-producing mammaries that if you have somehow ficked up my hair, I’m going to make my grievances known, bigly.”
FeeTwix equips a towel and uses it to wipe some of the black imp blood off his body. “You already air your grievances bigly. I can let you borrow my hat.”
He tosses the hat over at Hiccup and the goblin kicks it. “Fick no!”
“Babe, you want?”
Zaena takes the towel, spot wipes her armor, and finishes up on her blades. Once she’s done, she hands it back to FeeTwix and the towel disappears.
“Whatever, Twixy. Marbles, I’m warning you … you’d better not fick this up!” Hiccup turns, his ass now facing Ryuk. “Do it. Peg me.”
FeeTwix cracks up again. “This will be good!”
“Um … ”
“Less umming and more shooting, Marbles.”
“I’m just trying to think of what I should say.”
“How about ‘repair hair?’” Hiccup lifts his right hip slightly and lets out a squeaker. “Fick, that barbeque has come back to haunt me. You see me launch myself into the air earlier propelled solely by flatulence?” he asks over his shoulder. “Not gonna lie, that was cool as fick.”
Damn goblin.
Ryuk pouches a clear marble, pulls back on his slingshot, takes a few big steps back, and fires it at Hiccup’s lower back. “Repair hair!”
“Yooooy!” Hiccup hops into the air, his hands on his lower back. “That fickin’ hurt!” He immediately pats his head. “What … what the fick!?” he asks as what’s left of his topknot disappears and two side curls take shape, curling even more as they extend in length. They’re yellow, and once they’re done growing, they hang well past the goblin’s double chin.
“Payot!” FeeTwix cracks up. “How orthodox of you, Hiccup!”
“Twick you, Fixy! Fick, you know what I mean!” The panicked goblin looks at Wolf, who has sat down on his haunches and is watching him with his head twisted to the right. “You too, Scooby!”
Scooby? Ryuk thinks.
Sometimes it seems like Hiccup has taken bits and pieces from what he assumes is the world up there and put them into usage having little or no knowledge of what the word means, how it is used, or who uses it. Then again, Ryuk has no idea what “scooby” means either. “I’ll try again.”