“The backstory to the backstory?” Ryuk shakes his head incredulously. “I can’t believe they’re doing another Spider-Man. I think the last one came out in 2074.”
“Yup,” FeeTwix says, “that was Spider-Man College Doob.”
“Why would a man want anything to do with a spider?” Zaena asks.
“Taste-wise, I’m more of a fuzzy caterpillar guy. Joking. Just ‘cause I’m a fickin’ goblin doesn’t mean I eat bugs. But I do eat fuzzy caterpillars. Because they are nutritious. Fick you, Liz, for judging me.”
“You’d like Spider-Gwen, Hiccup,” FeeTwix tells the goblin. “Definitely a babe. She was, how would you say in goblinese, a steaming sack of hotness?”
Hiccup grumbles. “The only goblin word I’ve told any of you about is drumpf, which means something that smells worse than shit. We don’t classify fickin’ sacks by their hotness. Now, coldness is another story, but not hotness.”
“Pretty sure Jatla is a steaming sack of coldness.”
“Cut Jatla a break, Marbles, and really, don’t quit your day job. You ain’t funny – Hey!”
Wolf barks and pushes past Hiccup.
“He senses something ahead,” FeeTwix says as his double-bladed sword materializes. Wolf barks again, more high-pitched this time, as if he’s scared.
“Let’s go!” Zaena charges ahead with her four blades drawn. She slides to a halt once she gets to the end of the tunnel.
“What is it?” Ryuk says as he catches up with her. “Whoa!”
His eyes take in an arena-sized chamber complete with stadium seating lit by at least a hundred torches, their fires burning green and yellow. Zaena and Ryuk are at the top of the stands looking down, and from what he can tell, there are dozens of entrances cut into the rockface.
To the north is a primitive skybox likely reserved for royalty, although Ryuk doesn’t know which royalty lived underground or why there are catacombs beneath Porthos to begin with. To the south is an elaborate door cut into a half-oval shape.
“It’s an underground arena!” says Zaena. “Most of these were destroyed eons ago.”
“Lemme see, lemme see.” Hiccup shoulders his way forward and stops dead in his tracks. “Yowza!” He brings his brass hand to his brow and searches the stadium floor for Wolf. “Where the fick did the mutt go?”
Wolf barks and comes running from the left, moving diagonally up the carved stone benches.
“Would you look at that,” FeeTwix says with a wide smile on his face as he takes in the arena. “That’s one thing I like about Tritania, you never know what you’ll discover!”
Zaena mumbles in Thulean as she takes the steps down to the center of the arena. She hops over a barrier, and stops to admire some of the nicks and slash marks in the stone. From there, her attention turns to the skeletons, all of which have been swept to the side of the battleground.
“Tons of loot,” she calls back to Hiccup, who practically rolls down the stairs in anticipation of treasure. He hits the barrier, scrabbles over it, and immediately goes to the skeletal bodies to check them for goods. Wolf follows after him and leaps over the barrier, landing gracefully.
“Why do I have the feeling things are about to heat up?” Ryuk asks as he and FeeTwix take the steps down.
“Because it’s a boss battle!” the Swede says, a smile on his face. “Everyone juice up!” He grabs a healing potion from his list, drinks half of it, and hands the bottle to Ryuk, who takes a small swig.
+70 HP!
“Potion time? Don’t have to tell me twice,” Hiccup says once Ryuk and FeeTwix are over the barrier. “All the loot is shit anyway.” He kicks an ax and it crumbles to dust. “Gimme, gimme, Marbles.”
“Hiccup,” Ryuk starts to say, “you’ve only lost fourteen HP … ”
“Gotta go with the good stuff, then.” The goblin equips a grenade-shaped bottle of Hopkins’ Healing Nostrums, guzzles it, and throws the bottle over his shoulder, where it pings against the skull of a fallen warrior. “I would have saved you some, Liz, but I needed to top off fickin’ the tank. No sense taking a gamble!”
“Someone say gamble?” A loud, syrupy voice echoes through the arena. “Shit, ‘cause you in the right place for that, if that’s what you lookin’ for.”
“Who the fick was that!?” Hiccup’s tomahawk appears in his hand. He scoots around, trying to find the source of the voice.
Smoky black liquid comes from all four corners of the arena, traveling along the top of the chamber and forming a bubbling mass in its center. Before Hiccup can shriek, the inky black shadow descends from the ceiling into the center of the arena and presents itself.
Ink Shadow Level 31
HP: 1121/1121
MANA: 316/316
ATK: 134
MATK: 320
DEF: 169
MDF: 235
LUCK: 26
“Fick no. No, no, no, no!” Hiccup starts to backpedal. “No more fickin’ ink shadows!” Wolf growls, drops to his haunches, and oddly enough, makes his way in front of Hiccup to separate the goblin from the ink shadow.
“No more ink shadows? The fuck you just say, cuz?” The lanky creature laughs. “Now who’d say something for real ignorant like that?”
“I’m not playing Natty Dread!”
“Natty fucking Dread?” The ink shadow’s face forms, long and angular, especially his chin, which extends outward like the end of a banana. He moves closer to the Mitherfickers, his wispy body slinking up and down.
“You heard me!”
“Shit, I ain’t ever been one to turn down a game of Natty Dread, especially from a goblin that I know will cut me a cool fitty … and then there’s my collection of fingernails and other assorted goblin parts. Always lookin’ to upgrade, you feel me? What you say, goblin, how about a game of Bet ya Penis?”
“Shit! I told you guys they were some fickin’ sickos! Blast his ass, Twixy! Zaena, attack! Go! Go! Go! Ryuk, shoot some marbles at him. Let me spell it out for you: up the ass! Zing him before he zings us!” Hiccup beats his tomahawk against his shield, doing his damndest to pump himself up.
“Damn, that’s one fiesty goblin you fools got.” A slimy black tongue drops from the ink shadow’s dark maw and he licks his lips.
“Relax, Hiccup,” FeeTwix says, “let me handle this.” The Swede steps forward, his chest puffed up. “First, hello, Mr. Ink Shadow, I notice you have a very peculiar accent.” His eyes flash as he reads more messages from his fans. “That’s who he sounds like, Snoop Dogg! I went to his holo-concert with Dr. Dre two years back. Snoop Doggy, dooooogg! Dude’s an icon. Four-twenty, everyone! How I could not place that accent?”
“Who is this Snoop Dogg?” Zaena asks.
“A hip-hop star, super famous, babe. He’s dead now, but his holo-concerts are crazy! Lots of ganja! I’ll take you next time he’s doing a Proxima World tour!”
“Hip-Hop?”
“Rap?” he asks.
“Rap?”
“A type of music. I played some earlier on my boombox before it, um, blew up.”
“What in the fick are you going on about, Twixy!? Snoop Dogg? Who the fick is that? This is serious!”
“Right! Sorry, Hiccup. Ahem, Mr. Ink Shadow, we have important business to attend to in Porthos,” he says firmly. “Either step aside, or … ”
“Let us pass or else!” Ryuk says, pointing his Marble Gun at the ink shadow.
Hiccup goes from scared shitless to shitting his pants with laughter. The ink shadow joins him. “Fick me to tears, Marbles, you have got to step up your tough guy act.”
“Shut up!” Ryuk hisses over his shoulder, trying to silence the goblin’s laughter.