FeeTwix: Fans are saying to go for it. A few are offended by his accent, but they’re dealing with it. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t like Snoop Dogg? Dude is a legend!
Zaena: This Snoop Dogg, as you say, just possessed you and killed me.
FeeTwix: But you’re back now, right? No biggie, babe!
Hiccup: Twixy, you’re a dumbfick. Marbles, don’t you dare agree to letting that Gutenberg orgasm lead us anywhere. Say it with me: EXTREME. VETTING. This is why Tammy backstabbed us. You didn’t let me vet her.
“So what’ll it be, homies, we doing this? I ain’t got all day.”
Ryuk glances one last time to his guildmates and back to the ink shadow. “Fine, but no funny stuff.”
Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his forehead. “You’ve got to be shitting me, Marbles! Have I taught you nothing?”
The ink shadow struts forward like a drum major. “All right, y’all, follow me!”
As the ink shadow guides them across the arena, he launches into an explanation of the history of the catacombs. “Shit, I’m gonna be straight honest with y’all, these here catacombs were started way before the monarchy was in place. The eastern quadrant, that is. The western quadrant, our current one, this shit was built later, like way later.”
“The catacombs go all the way to the east?” Ryuk asks, as they move into a corridor with stalactites hanging from the ceiling.
“That’s right, lil’ homie. Them catacombs to the east turn into the sewers beneath Waringtla, stinky as fuck in my opinion. Glad my ass ain’t over there.”
“Waringtla? That’s the giant city, right?” FeeTwix asks. “Some of my fans were telling me that I should enter a tournament there … WAIT A MINUTE! The dots have been connected! Is that the same tournament you were telling me about, the one that Quantum Hughes cheated?” he asks Zaena.
Her orange eyes narrow. “Yes, your hero cheated, and through his cheating, he bested Queen Renata, the Thulean head of state, but she was only a princess then. Still, it was a despicable act. You should never look up to this type of man.”
“Agree to disagree, babe, Quantum is a legend!”
The ink shadow pauses to consider the name. Finally, he shrugs it off. “Never heard of no Quantum Hughes; must not be that big of a legend.”
Hiccup snorts. “If it sounds like Thuleans are sore losers, it’s because they are. Hey! Hands off the hair, Liz!”
As they come to another chamber, the ink shadow grows in size and scares off an approaching group of imps. “Little fuckboys, if you ask me. Can’t tell y’all how many imps I kill on a weekly basis. Them fools breed quick,” he says as they move into the chamber. “But back to the history of the catacombs, ‘cause I can tell y’all are interested. Anyone know who built this shit?”
“Don’t care, but I agree with you on imps. Those little naked fickers are always down for an orgy.” Hiccup yawns. “That’s it, I’m taking a load off. Wolf, get your ass over here.”
“Thuleans built the catacombs,” the ink shadow says as they move into a wide path that slopes to the right. Odd faces are carved into the walls, their chiseled features accented by the torchlight.
The smell of brimstone makes Ryuk’s nose twitch. It’s the first time he’s smelt anything aside from stale air since they entered the arena space.
“Thuleans built this?” FeeTwix asks. “Interesting!”
Zaena smiles at him.
“While they might be cool now, the first Thuleans, called Thules, were straight warring with their dragon ancestors. And dragons ain’t no one to fuck with. Tired of having their villages burnt up, the Thules built the catacombs on Polynya to stop the dragons from attacking them. Boom. Problem solved. Dragons ain’t goin’ underground, feel me?”
“I feel you!” FeeTwix announces.
“Um, yeah cool. So the Thules joined with the Saiduka giants of Waringtla to build the catacombs, which as I told you, stretch all the way from the east to the west coast. But it was started in the east.”
“Hold the fick up.”
Everyone turns to see Hiccup mount Wolf, who doesn’t seem to mind that the only thing separating him from the goblin’s poop chute and frequent wind tunnel is a thin layer of fabric.
He pats his mechanical hand on Wolf’s neck. “If Conan and his mutt pass the system of tests I’ve devised, I’ve got first fickin’ dibs on the wolf. We clear?”
Dogs, they’ll put up with anything, Ryuk thinks as they continue onward.
The ink shadow laughs. “Damn, ya goblin–”
“I have a name!”
“–Makes me want to hit up Bluwid one day. Might as well pump up my collection of goblin fingernails. Used to have the biggest collection this side of Porthos.”
Hiccup shrieks and a message appears on Ryuk’s dashboard.
Hiccup: Ink shadows love goblin body parts. Don’t ask me fickin’ why. I’ve been telling you guys this forever. Now do you finally believe me?
Ryuk: Yes.
Hiccup: Marbles, you have the personality of a steamed cabbage.
“Why do ink shadows like goblin fingernails?” FeeTwix asks. “I think they are too brittle.”
“Hey!”
“Damn, you ain’t never seen jewelry made from goblin nails? Shit is nice. You can also grind them up into a fine powder and snort ‘em. Talk about a boner for days.”
“Don’t you come near my nails or my chalupa!”
The ink shadow comes to a stop at the bottom of a long stairway. “Chill, goblin, I don’t want your nails. Believe me, I checked, yours ain’t my style. Too thick and yellow, playa. Not worth anything.”
“That’s not what the ink shadow in Sotla said!” Hiccup examines his one good hand.
“That’s another problem.” One of the ink shadow’s tendrils clearly forms a single digit.
“Oh, because I don’t have two hands, I’m suddenly not good enough for you, huh?” Hiccup starts patting Wolf on the head, clearly trying to cope with the recent insult.
“That’s ‘bout right. And your chalupa? Too small. Ain’t worth my time, fool.”
(x)__(x)
“Ahem, anything else we should know about the catacombs?” Ryuk asks, hoping to steer the conversation away from a debate centered upon goblin penis sizes.
“Anything else … ” The ink shadow strokes the place where his chin should be. “Y’all fools ever heard of the Runestones of Tritinakh?”
Ryuk shakes his head and looks to FeeTwix, who after scanning messages from his fans also doesn’t have a clue.
“I have,” Zaena says.
“Damn, girl, you well read. You want to explain or should I?”
“Go ahead.”
“Aight, so there are three Runestones of Tritinakh. One is in the east, if you follow the catacombs all the way to their natural endpoint. The other two are hidden across Polynya, one in the Sabors, from what my homie told me.”
“And the other Runestone?” FeeTwix asks.
“Fuck if I know. Rumor is you’ll be strong as hell if you can find all three, though.”
A prompt appears and Ryuk quickly reads it:
Quest: Will you find all three Runestones of Tritinakh? One is located at an eastern exitpoint to the catacombs. Another is possibly located in The Sabors. The third location is unknown.
Possible Rewards: A great power.
Risks: A lifetime of searching for a legend that turns out to be false.
[Yes/No?]
Ryuk glances from FeeTwix to Zaena, both of whom nod. He selects “yes” as he makes the instant decision to place the quest on the backburner, to be handled later.
“All right, pimps,” the ink shadow says. “That’s the entrance to Porthos.” He nods to the top of a long stairway lit by torches. “And this is where I peace out.”
“Thank the Empress’ bosom of ambient bear’s milk. Fick off, shadow boy.”