“Hubba, hubba, Liz! You clean up nice!” Hiccup says.
“Thank you, goblin.”
“I’m going to let that little racist epithet slide on account of your sudden hotness. What about you, Marbles?”
“Um … ” Ryuk’s Dream Armor disappears and is replaced by a black t-shirt, black jeans, and a pair of black Vans with Flight Feet written in cursive along the toe caps.
“Going for the Bramtoker look, huh?” Hiccup asks as he rubs his hands along his considerable girth.
“No, I just like black.”
“I think there’s a saying about liking black … never go back … can’t remember it all. Anyfick, I’m out, bitches! Time to finds some chippies and some booze.”
The goblin sits on the platform and calls out to the people below, who respond by reaching their hands up to him.
“Not so fast!” FeeTwix rushes over to Hiccup and slaps a small square on his pimply back.
“What the twick, Fixy!? Shit, you know what I mean.” Hiccup tries to reach the little square affixed to his back but fails.
“In case you’re wondering, this will make sure we can’t lose you!”
“It’s GPS?” Ryuk asks as he walks over. Once glance down at the raging crowd and he suddenly feels nauseated.
“You mean PPS, Proxima Positioning System, and no, it’s not that type of tracking.”
Hiccup again tries to swipe the square off his back but his reach falls short. “You can’t just tag me like a fickin’ animal. Take it off, Twixy!”
“Relax, Hiccup, I’m not tagging you at all, friend!”
“Then what the fick is this shit?” Too bulky to properly twist his body, about the only thing Hiccup can manage is the slight tilt of his head.
“There’s twenty million people down there,” FeeTwix shouts over the roar of the crowd, who come to life after another Proxima celebrity appears on a platform not far from the Mitherfickers. “I’ll never be able to find you, but you’ll be able to find us.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Watch.” FeeTwix walks over to Zaena and shows her a bulky calculator watch now on his wrist. He presses a button, and the goblin slides across the platform against his will.
Ryuk and Zaena crack up; Hiccup is much less amused.
“You got me on a fickin’ leash?”
“It’s magnetic!” FeeTwix tells the goblin as he walks back over to him. “And trust me, it won’t hurt a bit. I’ll just press the button when we’re ready to go and you’ll be dragged up here.”
“What part of ‘I’m nobody’s fickboy’ do you not understand? You’ve got to be fickin’ kidding me with this thing. I’m not someone’s chia pet!”
“Chia pet?” Ryuk asks.
The Swede smiles big. “Just get down there and have fun!”
“Fine, fine, but we’re not through discussing this.”
Hiccup approaches the ledge of the platform and calls for people to catch him.
The people below raise their hands and the goblin, a sour look on his face, turns his back to the crowd, scowls at the three Mitherfickers, lifts two middle fingers up in the air and stage dives backwards into the crowd.
(0)__(0)
Enway’s form takes shape on the platform. She’s in a black body suit and her hair has been pulled to the side, forming a short, tight ponytail. The zipper on the front of her body suit is open just enough to draw eyes.
“Hey!” Ryuk says, swallowing hard. “Glad you could join us.”
“Wow!” Enway walks to the platform and looks down. “The Mitherfickers really are famous!”
“It’s just FeeTwix.”
“With fame and fortune comes great responsibility!” FeeTwix sticks a finger in the air. “Or, um, something like that. Hey! The concert is starting soon!”
Sure enough, smoke has begun puffing out from the corners of the stage. Lightning from the dark sky overhead strikes the base of the mirrored pyramid on stage. Fire appears at the edges of the pyramid and slowly burns its way up to the DJ booth at the top.
“Bravo!” Zaena claps her hands and FeeTwix comes behind her and wraps his arms around her waist.
“So, what happened in the catacombs?” Enway asks, moving closer to Ryuk.
“A lot of battles, and eventually, an ink shadow with a strange dialect.”
“Those things are icky.”
“Yeah, just a word of advice,” Ryuk says over the roar of the crowd, “you’ve heard Hiccup go on and on about chalupas versus churros–”
“If he has a penis, he should call it a churro,” she says firmly. “I’m not backing down on this.”
“Right. I don’t know what he has, or at least, I’ve tried to wipe what I’ve seen of his anatomy from my mind.” Ryuk shakes his head. Nope, the image of Hiccup’s ass is still there. “Anyway, what I was getting at: do not, do not ever, get him started on ink shadows. Trust me on that. If you value your sanity, never ask him about ink shadows.”
She laughs. “Noted.”
A man with long hair and a line shaved down the center of his forehead flies over them. He lands on another platform, kicks off, nears another, and bounces off again.
~~DJ RIDE THE LIGHTNING!~~
A booming voice says it again, and as it does so, a slow motion bolt of lightning descends from the sky. Seeing his opening, DJ Ride the Lightning takes a leap, twists, and with his arms stretched in front of him, he latches onto the bolt of lightning.
“That’s so stupid!” Enway says as DJ Ride the Lightning whips around on the lightning bolt. He’s giving it his rodeo best, and as it nears the stage, he swan dives off it and lands at the top of the mirror pyramid just as the music starts up.
“Woo!” Zaena calls out, her fists in the air as she rocks to the music. “So great!”
“Aren’t you going to dance?” FeeTwix calls over to Ryuk.
“Um … ” Ryuk starts grooving as best as his hips will allow.
“Not bad,” Enway says as she does the same. “Oh! I forgot to tell you, I finished the ten page essay.”
“Ten page essay?”
“Yeah, as part of Hiccup’s extreme vetting. It’s a ten page essay on why I’d like to join the Mitherfickers and what I’d bring to the group. It’s the last part of the vetting process.”
“I didn’t … ” Ryuk shakes his head. Damn goblin!
“It’s fine. There was also a multiple choice test too.”
“When did he have time to make all this stuff?”
“I think he made some of it when he was at DD’s BBQ, and well, honestly, I have no idea.”
“What kind of multiple choice questions?” Ryuk yells over the loud choons radiating from the stage. DJ Ride the Lightning is currently suspended upside down from a dark cloud, his hair hanging as he presses buttons on his rig.
“There was one that showed a poorly drawn picture of a penis with two answer choices, chalupa and churro.”
“And which did you choose?” Ryuk looks up to see FeeTwix grinding against Zaena, who beats both her arms in the air.
“I chose churro! I’m not going to let that damn goblin intimidate me in my native language!”
“Fuck him, we need a healer. You’re in!”
Ryuk fires off messages to the others.
Ryuk: Enway is joining the guild.
FeeTwix: I’m game.
Zaena: YEAH!
Hiccup: What the fick, Marbles!? I haven’t graded her essay yet!
Ryuk: Fick you, Hiccup!
Hiccup: Hey!
FeeTwix: YEAH FICK YOU, HICCUP!
Zaena: MITHERFICKERS FOR LIFE!
DJ Ride the Lightning explodes into a million tiny neon bolts.
The multifarious bolts zip around the concert grounds, merge into a single sphere over the audience, and within that radiating sphere, the DJ’s body reforms. He throws up two peace signs à la Nixon and the bass drops.