“Get him!” A spellsword shouts as he unsheathes an icy blue blade.
Spell Sword Level 13
HP: 425/425
ATK: 96
MATK: 136
DEF: 76
MDF: 74
LUCK: 6
“It’s him!” More people stand from their tables and equip their weapons.
“He’s the guy who attacked the Empress!” a low voice yells out.
“Out of the way!” Zaena slips past Ryuk and unsheathes four swords. She breathes heavily, waiting for the gathering crowd of combatants to make a move.
“What the fick is happening up there?” Hiccup shouts, his voice muffled a bit because of his pacifier. He spits it out. “Seriously, what the fick is going on? Let me up there!”
“They found us!” FeeTwix shoulders past Ryuk with a kunai attached to a chain. “Get over here!”
The Swede, his eyes two black holes, is the first to strike.
His kunai stabs into the spellsword and yanks him over to the Mitherfickers. FeeTwix finishes with an uppercut that sends the guy straight into a wall.
-87 HP!
“Shit, Twixy!” Hiccup pushes out, his spiked club in his mechanical hand a dinner plate-sized shield gripped to his other forearm. “Let’s fick them up! Whoo!”
“Shoot first, ask questions later!”
“Fick yeah!”
“No!” Ryuk shouts, as FeeTwix goes with two comically large Sandalwood Guns.
Bang! Bang!
Instakill!
The report sends shockwaves through Ryuk’s core. He bends for a moment to gather his thoughts, as Zaena runs forward to engage a mage and FeeTwix keeps laying down .45s.
“We shouldn’t be fighting them! The Empress’ guard will come!” he yells up to FeeTwix.
“Preemptive strike!”
Bang!
FeeTwix fires a shot directly into the face of a barbarian with braided pigtails.
Instakill!
An idea comes to Ryuk, the only thing that would make sense. Covered by FeeTwix’s gunfire, he moves to the right, where he knocks over a table and gets behind it. He fires off a quick message to FeeTwix.
Ryuk: Have your fans shared with you any info coming out of Porthos?
FeeTwix: There’s been an information freeze. Nothing is allowed to get out of the city.
Ryuk and FeeTwix lock eyes for a moment, only to be interrupted when Hiccup shouts, “Fick it’s him!” They look to a wanted poster pinned to a messageboard not far from them. Sure enough, it’s a picture of Ryuk, a bit of hair sticking out of his hood.
“I’m wanted … ?” Ryuk connects the dots almost immediately. The only way this is possible is if his doppelgänger did something sinister.
“You’re ficked, Marbles. Nice to know ya!”
“Incoming!” FeeTwix dives next to Ryuk just in time to miss a flying table.
Ryuk peeks around their cover to see an orc easily twice as tall as Zaena. The shirtless orc’s considerable girth hangs over a loincloth that barely covers his twig and berries. He roars, his manboobs and nipple rings flapping as he goes for another table.
No time to think, Ryuk grabs his magic slingshot and a gravity marble.
The marble strikes the orc’s body and the big bruiser is instantly thrown backwards to the entrance, bringing the structure supporting the front of Morla’s Place down.
Using her ghost limbs to get out of the way just in time, Zaena skids to a halt next to Ryuk and FeeTwix. For his part, Hiccup beats the shit out of the hobgoblin that sold them out, who was in too much of a stupor to get out of the way in time.
“This the one who squealed?” he calls over to Ryuk.
“We’ve got to get there before they get here,” Ryuk says quickly, his mind going a million miles an hour.
Hiccup kicks the cowering hobgoblin once more and pops the pacifier in his mouth. “Let’s get the fick on with it then!”
A message appears on Ryuk’s viewing pane.
Hiccup: Stop judging me. Like I said, the pacifier is laced.
“Whatever.” Ryuk pops a molten marble in his mouth and cautiously moves to the front of the tea shop. A few NPCs that have been pinned by the rubble whimper as the Mitherfickers step over them.
The silhouette of a woman takes shape ahead and Zaena bristles.
“She’s mine.”
Mind Mage Level 16
HP: 388/388
MANA: 400/400
ATK: 42
MATK: 193
DEF: 59
MDF: 61
LUCK: 14
To their left, the towering orc from earlier lifts himself out of a partially crumbled fountain. He scowls, locks his eyes on the Mitherfickers, and roars.
“Fick!”
Ryuk feels the goblin get directly behind him.
“Dammit, Hiccup!” he says as the goblin grips his waist and tries to make sure that Ryuk is directly between the big orc and the small goblin.
He spits his pacifier out again. “How the hell are we supposed to take that thing out!? It’s too big!”
“Don’t you worry, Hiccup,” says the Swede, “that’s what steamsuits are for.”
“Steam-what!?”
It takes all of ten seconds for a five-meter-tall exoskeleton suit to take shape in front of FeeTwix. The phrase YoRHa A-2 is stenciled across the chest of the exoskeleton. As it settles, a valve jutting out of its left shoulder produces a cloud of steam.
A Gatling Gun starts to rotate on the right arm even before the chest can clamshell open to allow FeeTwix to get inside. Once the Swede is in, the locking mechanisms sound off as the Swede is secured into place.
Attached to his left forearm is a jagged buster sword; as FeeTwix gets used to the feel of the suit, its shoulders lifting up and down and its legs lifting one at a time, he brings the sword before him and says, his voice suddenly metallic, “The orc is mine.”
“Holy fick yes! Yes! Yes!” Hiccup shouts. “That’s the most stupid-tacular thing I’ve seen all fickin’ week!”
A guild of lower level scouts and warriors come charging out of an alley. They skid to a halt when they see FeeTwix’s steamsuit.
“Good!” Hiccup spits his pacifier out as he’s suddenly filled with confidence. “Lizzy, get the mage; FeeTwix, get Bitchtits McSTD; and Marbles and I will mop up any of the fickboys left!”
(0)__(0)
A dapper man with the face of a cat appears out of nowhere. He leaps from behind some covering to the spot directly in front of Ryuk. Before Ryuk can even take in the man’s stats, he’s pulled to the ground, his Dream Armor combating the man’s rapid claw strikes.
“Dammit!” the man shouts as he tries again and again to get a swipe in.
Ryuk grins, and as his mouth opens, a massive fireball engulfs the catman. He leaps off Ryuk, his whiskers sizzling, and runs to the partially crumbled fountain to duck his head in.
-31 HP!
Now aiming his marble gun, Ryuk nearly splits the catman in half with his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy skill.
“Yeeeeeeooowww!” he shrieks.
-154 HP!
Skill level up!
“Fickin’ nice! You got him in the starfish, Marbles!”
Catman’s clawed finger comes up and he logs out.
There’s no time to read Cherry Poppin’ Daddy’s skill update prompt. Ryuk pops a gravity marble in his mouth and hits the air.
He throws in another until he’s on top of the building next to Morla’s Place. His Marble Gun up, he waits for his opening as two staunch warriors descend upon Hiccup. The goblin holds his own, giving Ryuk time to fire a shot at one of the warrior’s feet.