As they walk, Ryuk recalls the couple of times he visited the city of Athos, the capital of the third floating continent, Ultima Thule. The mostly Thulean city filled with yurt-like buildings is unlike any place he has visited in Tritania.
“Shit, Marbles, you look like you’re lost in thought.”
“I sort of was, until you interrupted it.”
“Yeah? Well how ‘bout less daydreaming and more fickin’ team leading.”
“Zaena is at the front of the group,” he reminds the goblin. The guard behind him laughs.
“You two always this friendly to each other?”
“We have a special relationship, if that’s what you mean,” Hiccup grits. “And I’m not saying I’m his fickin’ lapdog here either. He comes when I tell him, not the other way around.”
FeeTwix starts laughing so hard that the procession has to stop. “Really think about that last line, Hiccup. Just … really think about it.”
“Fick you, Twixy!” Hiccup’s face turns red as he scowls. “You know what I meant.”
“Quiet back there,” the lead guard shouts as they enter into a comfortable room with white marble flooring. Folding screens divide the room.
At the far end of the room, near the other entrance, are four chairs suitable for both washing a person’s hair and giving them manicures and pedicures.
“The four of you will now get ready to meet Empress Thun.”
Four clothed mannequins magically appear in the center of the room, three male and one female.
“This is great!” says the Swede as his eyes take in the clothing on the mannequins. Two white suits with embroidered silk lapels; a dazzling silver dress with long sleeves and embellishments on the collar; a white potato sack with tiny silver spikes that form a circle around the neckline – the Mitherfickers are about to get decked the fuck out.
“Whose idea was it to give me a potato sack?” Hiccup moans as a shoe rack appears – two white leather loafers, one pair of high heels. “And why don’t I get shoes?”
“We didn’t have a lot of time!” A short designer with light brown hair walks into the room. She’s followed by another designer who is taller, quiet, and carries on her face one of the warmest smiles Ryuk has ever seen.
“Come, it’s time to get dressed,” the second designer tells him, her black eyes sparkling under her bangs.
“I’m cuffed,” he reminds her.
“About that … ”
Their cuffs disappear, replaced by thin golden bracelets. The guards surrounding them suddenly disappear, as if they were never there in the first place.
“Better?” she asks.
“Glad those fickers are gone, especially the one with the overbite. He was eying me funny!”
“We still can’t log out or equip anything,” FeeTwix says, “but I guess it’s a little better.”
“Who’s ready to play dress up?” Hiccup grumbles as his armor falls to the floor, revealing a chest still covered in blacklight-responsive paint.
“Please!” the brunette designer says, horror painted across her face, “we have screens for you to change behind.”
“Halfway there, lady.”
Ryuk looks away as the goblin goes full commando.
As FeeTwix films the scene for his audience, Hiccup marches right up to the mannequin and pulls the potato sack over his head.
“Your hair and nails too,” the brunette designer says.
“Mani-pedi?” Hiccup pumps a fist in the air. “Fick yeah! We doing it up, kiddos! Lead the way and make sure to really work my big toenails. It’s been months!”
“We are designers,” the brunette tells him sharply. “They will be giving you mani-pedis.” She nods as four NPCs, three women and one male, walk into the room.
The male stylist pats his chair and Hiccup rushes over there like a kid to Santa’s lap. “Now this is what I’m talking about!” he says as he wiggles his ass into the chair, getting comfortable.
“I’ll help you,” the other clothing designer, the one with the bangs and a warm smile, tells Ryuk.
She leads him behind one of the screens, waits with her back turned away for him to change, and immediately starts adjusting the suit once it’s on.
With a pin in her mouth, she pinches bits of the fabric where it’s too loose, marks it, and the fabric instantly tightens. She pins the front of his pants, takes a step back to see what it looks like from afar, and once she’s certain, Ryuk’s pants instantly tighten.
Meanwhile, the other designer helps FeeTwix get dressed.
The two come out from behind the folding screens, which Ryuk knows as byōbu, and greet each other.
“Not bad, cuz!” FeeTwix says, giving Ryuk the thumbs up. “You dress up nice. Now it’s time to get mani-pedis with Hiccup.”
“Just manis for you guys,” one of the stylists calls over.
“Fine by us!”
The two designers turn to Zaena. They lead the princess – still hard to imagine she’s a princess, Ryuk thinks – behind the folding screen and begin dressing her.
“Ah, the good life! From cell to mani,” FeeTwix says with a sigh. “All in a day’s work. This is a perfect time to remind all of you watching that Office Hallmark Depot is having a big sale right now on all papers, office supplies, and greeting cards!”
His mirror appears in his hand, and as the NPC goes to work on his left hand, FeeTwix offers the mirror a dashing smile.
“The Mitherfickers are living it up now so you can stop worrying! But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t worry about your loved ones. Get them a card, hell, get them a stapler, or double hell, prank your brother by getting him a card and stapling it shut! Ha!”
Hiccup snorts. His pink hair has been magically washed, dried, and is now in curlers.
The male stylist works up a sweat trying to trim down his toenails. He stops, wipes his brow, and Hiccup tells him to get back to it. “Those nails aren’t going to trim themselves!”
Ryuk sits and the female stylist starts in on his right hand. She starts with a massage, and once she’s quickly done that – everyone seems to be moving at warp speed – she trims his nails, adds a clear coat to them, and starts on the other hand just as Zaena comes out from behind the screen.
“Wow!” FeeTwix gasps. “That’s twice you’ve impressed me in one night, babe! You look hella good!” His eyes flash blue.
“Why did you go blue?” she asks, approaching softly, one heel in front of the other.
“So I could have you all to myself.”
“Fick me, that’s the lamest thing I’ve heard all day,” Hiccup comments. “It’s also sweet. You two are made for each other, just like me and Spew Gorge’s mom.”
“But that’s your aunt,” Ryuk reminds him.
“And? Jon Snow ficked the living shit out of his aunt and no one gave two flying ficks!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Why is it so hard to believe I’m a relatively well-read goblin, Marbles? You see me reading all the time. It’s what security guards do. We read. And sleep. And play with our chalupas if no one is watching. How do you think I got the fickin’ job that led me to meeting you in the first place?”
“I thought you came with the guildhall in Jatla,” FeeTwix says. “That’s what you told me.”
“Pfft!”
“Besides that, you were terrible at your job,” Ryuk says. “Tamana was kidnapped while you were sleeping!”
“Alternative fact alert!” Hiccup locks eyes with Ryuk and the stare-down begins. Knowing better than to get into it with the goblin, Ryuk looks away.
“Whatever, Hiccup.”
“That’s what I fickin’ thought, Marbles. Hey! Careful with the pinky toes,” the goblin tells the male pedicurist. “Keep those ones long. It’s a style in Jatla.”