Zaena sits, careful not to wrinkle her dress. Her stylist begins working on her toenails almost immediately.
“So,” Ryuk asks, “were you ever going to tell us you were a princess?”
“I was,” she says, “when the time was right.”
“Well, fick, Liz, we really could have been living it up, not going to lie to you there, but you did drop the truthbomb at a pretty good time, so good job there. I was afraid Marbles was going to lose it back in that cell.”
Ryuk rolls his eyes.
“But seriously, seriously. Next time give us the heads up. Shit, I’d love to be living like Thulean royalty. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I knew you were a one-percenter … Hey!” Hiccup yanks his hand back. “Careful, that’s my picking finger!”
“Picking finger?” The male stylist raises an eyebrow of disgust at the goblin.
Hiccup demonstrates what he means by jamming his pointer finger in his nose and digging around. “I need to keep this one long too. I have allergies, sinus issues, and my brain needs scratching. We clear?”
The man swallows hard. “Yes, we’re clear.”
“Good. Now, chop chop! I got a feeling this next meeting is going to be one for the record books and I can’t have my nails in disarray.”
(0)__(x)
The Mitherfickers, looking just about as dashing as they ever have and possibly ever will, follow two of the Empress’ Knights in White Satin through a long hallway lined with tapestries and elaborate oil paintings.
The paintings depict famous battle scenes, some of which Ryuk recognizes from Flight Feet. They’re arranged in a way that gives the viewer an overwhelming feeling of the Empress’ accomplishments, which is augmented by the fact that she’s been added to all the paintings as either the main focal point or as an overseeing influence.
“Damn, there’s a lot of fickin’ propaganda posters in here!”
Ryuk snorts. Hiccup gets it, he thinks as Zaena hushes him.
“Liz, you and I have a relationship. You’re kind of like my kid sister and I’m kind of like your well-educated uncle. But just ‘cause you’re a princess doesn’t mean I’m going to start kissing anyone’s feet. I know for a fact the Empress, bless her motherly mammaries … ”
“Watch it!” one of the guards growls.
“Easy, big ficker, that’s a compliment in Jatla!”
“I’ve got this,” FeeTwix says as he slows to walk beside the goblin in the potato sack. “How about this? Behave yourself and I’ll see to it that you get a fucking kiddie pool filled with Hopkins’ Healing Nostrum. How’s that sound?”
Hiccup straightens up in a matter of seconds.
He files in line in front of Ryuk and doesn’t comment, scheme, tease, lament, complain, or chide any of his guildmates as they continue into yet another long hallway filled with Empress Thun’s imaginary exploits. He even practices a little self-control when it comes to flatulence.
The group finally stops at the foot of a flight of stairs and look up to a final chamber marked by two enormous sitting griffins carved from Thulean granite. As they pass them, Hiccup reaches out to touch one and whips his hand back to his side.
Ryuk mentally makes a note to bribe the goblin with high-end potions next time it comes up.
Messages flash on Ryuk’s iNet screen.
Zaena: Empress protocol – get to the ground to bow. She will then place her foot on the top of your head.
Hiccup: That’s hot!
More guards greet them as they enter into a circular space accented with pillars and built beneath an elaborate image of the various goddesses of Tritania. Ryuk senses that the space was designed this way for a particular reason, and his intuition is rewarded when his Magic Eye skill kicks in and he notices a faint green outline spiraling up the pillars and radiating off the throne at the back of the room.
Algomagic …
Pressed up against a back wall, the Empress’ throne has been cut into the trunk of a tree made of gold. A lion’s face is carved above the seat, its eyes open yet its pupils missing. The roots of the golden tree spread far past the throne and down the three steps.
A door at the far end of the room swings open and two male attendants walk out, their necks elongated by metal rings and their nude bodies covered in white paint.
They take their places on either side of the throne, and as they do, their legs widen and they suddenly begin to shrivel and shrink. They form two cylindrical tables, and as the tables harden, their colors morph from white to gray and finally settle on a shade of Charleston green.
Two attendants, these two female with robes that stretch several meters behind their bodies, walk out with their hands beneath lush cushions. Sitting on the cushions are two small griffins, both fast asleep.
“Ah, how cute,” Hiccup says, breaking his silence.
Zaena glances over her shoulder at him and he snaps his mouth shut.
The two sleeping baby griffins are led to the cylindrical tables and are placed on top. The two attendants carrying them roll their heads back and melt into the floor, adding to the golden roots of the tree.
As if she had been sitting there all along, Empress Thun is suddenly on her throne, in evening wear that is neither revealing nor modest. The white makeup normally on her face is gone and her hair is relaxed, pulled into a tight turban.
She lifts a single hand.
“Down we go, Mitherfickers.” Hiccup prostrates before her, grumbling about the pain in his back as he does so. “Yoy,” he whispers as he gets into a full blown child’s pose. “Mother of fick, this hurts! Marbles, get your ass down here!”
“Um … ” Ryuk drops to his knees and extends his hands in front of him. FeeTwix does the same and Ryuk turns his head to see Zaena still standing. I guess this only applies to commoners and regular NPCs, he thinks as he watches the Thulean princess.
Standing before him now, Empress Thun places the sole of her foot to the back of his head.
As she digs her foot in, Ryuk feels an overwhelming sense of calm spread through him. This is followed by a tingling sensation, and by the time she leaves, all the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck are standing to attention.
Level up! +10 LUCK! New skill learned!
Having never actually met Empress Thun before, Ryuk is unaccustomed to the ritual associated with the monarch of all of Tritania. The only entity more powerful is the Sage of Gotha, and while the Thuleans in the north are allowed to have their own royal system, the Empress still holds some sway over them.
New skill? He waits for her to move on to Hiccup before he checks the prompt.
Skilclass="underline" Knights in White Satin
Level One: Call upon the Empress’ guard to aid you in a battle.
Caveat: Can only be used once per day.
Requirements: Gifted by Empress Thun.
“Fick yeah!”
Ryuk’s train of thought is interrupted by Hiccup, who is absolutely thrilled to have the Empress place her foot against his pink topknot. The goblin is practically thumping his leg as the Empress finishes her bizarre ritual and moves on to FeeTwix.
Once she finishes with the Swede, her form takes shape back on her throne.
“You may now stand,” she says firmly. “I don’t normally meet and greet after hours, but I owe Queen Renata a favor, and besides that, I am very interested to hear why you tried to kill me earlier.” She narrows her eyes at Ryuk.
“Kill you?” He takes a step back. Is that why everyone was after us? he thinks. “It wasn’t me!”
“It was the fickin’ one-armed man!” Hiccup adds, chortling. “Wait, that’s me!” He laughs even harder. Zaena shoots him a glare that could peel the lead paint off a Chinese action figure. He gulps, glances down at his feet, and looks to FeeTwix to see if he still gets the pool of healing potion.