"I think he’s okay," said Jay. "Really. He’s safer than most people." He turned on his television and began flipping up the channels to the Crypt, on which Vampire Hunters would be starting in a few minutes. "How is it looking?" he added, staring upward at the mysterious process that was playing out on his head. Cat had talked her way into coloring Jay’s hair black with a half bottle of leftover dye.
"It doesn’t look like anything yet. It looks wet. Don’t worry, it’s gonna be totally hot. Do you have any hair gel? I like that your hair’s messy, but there’s messy and then there’s messy—you know?"
Sejal pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin. She saw a panicky thrill in Jay’s eyes that told her that he didn’t know but wanted to.
"My hair used to be a lot more messy," he said. "And blond. I used to have uncombable hair syndrome."
Cat laughed. "You had what? Is that real? It sounds like one of those bullshit drug commercials, like for restless leg syndrome."
"They’re both real," said Jay. "I think. If you Google ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ you can find a picture of me from when I was four."
"Oh my god. When I get this shit off my hands, I am totally doing that. Forget Crystal Math, when we start our band we’re calling it Uncombable Hair Syndrome."
Sejal was content to let the two of them flirt as she fortified her position on Doug. She had a decision to make, and she was beginning to notice the return of a cowardly, impetuous approach to problem solving that was not characteristic of the girl she wanted to become. Fear and guilt boiled holes in her stomach. She was not being honest with Doug, but that would come to an end tonight. Unless he’d had an accident.
"Wait, what was that?" said Jay. He flipped backward two stations and stopped at a newscast that was live and in West Philadelphia. Police lights strobed on the screen. The sound came up by degrees.REPORTER (V.O.)…dria Franklin, an employee at the MoPo, describes what happened next.MOPO CASHIERAfter he…after he knocked out those two he chases after the third guy, an’—an’ they run out into the street, an’ just as he was about to catch the guy there’s this screech and the trolley comes and POOF!REPORTERPoof?MOPO CASHIERYeah, poof! The hero guy disappears! An’ the trolley rolls right by! And there ain’t nothing left but his clothes!REPORTERI just want to be clear about this. The vigilante vanished and left his clothes behind?MOPO CASHIERYeah. The cops took them.REPORTERWhat was he wearing?MOPO CASHIERA white cape and a hood. Like in a comic book.
"Oh my god. Like in a stupid comic book," said Cat. Jay didn’t answer, only stared with hard features at the screen.EXT. A WEST PHILADELPHIA DELI CALLED SAMMY’S IIREPORTERThe story may continue at this nearby deli, where a startled shopkeeper says he had a close encounter with the hero shortly after the foiled robbery. A close encounter of the…thirst kind.CUT TO THE SHOPKEEPER, WHO DOES NOT APPEAR SO MUCH STARTLED AS VACANT.REPORTER (off camera)What makes you think it was the hero who came into your deli?SHOPKEEPERWell, it was, like, right after I heard what happened at the MoPo, you know? And…then there was suddenly this guy at the counter, right? And I thought, that’s weird, I didn’t even see him come in. He was just there, all of a sudden.REPORTERWas he naked? Or wearing a white cape?SHOPKEEPERUm, no. But he was really tall and musclely. Like a superhero.REPORTERAnd did this mystery man identify himself to be the MoPo hero?SHOPKEEPERNot exactly. Not exactly, but he acted like he was in a real hurry, right? And he bought some beer and some BullShake Energy Drink, right? Energy drink.REPORTERI see.SHOPKEEPERPlus, his driver’s license looked totally fake. Like it could be a secret identity.PAUSE.REPORTERShould you have sold him the beer if his license looked fake?SHOPKEEPER LOOKS CONFUSED, STARES NERVOUSLY AT CAMERA.
Just then something smacked hard against Jay’s bedroom window, and all three kids jumped.
"Holy shit," said Cat. "Is that a bat?"
It was without question a bat, twitching, pasted flat against the glass like a Halloween decoration. It shook itself and flapped away.
"It must have been attracted to the light," said Sejal.
"I…don’t think it was a bat," said Jay.
"It was definitely a bat."
"IT WAS A MOTH," he answered in a voice that was suddenly like a car alarm. "A big moth. I have to go to the bathroom." And with that he hopped to his feet and strode out of the room without moving his arms.
Cat smiled after him. "Weird guy."
"He likes you," said Sejal.
"Yeah. Probably just because his best friend likes you."
"I don’t think this is true."
Cat changed the channel until "Last week on Vampire Hunters" could be heard.
"You’re really not into Doug, are you?" asked Cat. "You’re just naturally nicer to him than everyone else."
Sejal nodded. Her stomach seethed.
"If he asks you out again, you have to tell him no. Guys like him who haven’t hooked up much…they get clingy real fast."
"I know this. You could say the same of Jay."
"I’m handling Jay. But with Doug…trust me, it’s better you say something sooner than later. Just say dating’s not allowed in your country or your religion or—"
"I know, I know. I will tell him. Don’t eat my head."
"Sorry, yaar," said Cat.
Silence followed, and Cat turned up the sound.EXT. FLOODLIT, TREE-LINED FIELD AT NIGHTVAMPIRE HUNTER CREW STANDS IN A LOOSE LINE, REDEEMERS IN HAND. THEY FACE A SECOND LINE OF DRESSMAKER’S DUMMIES. ALAN FRIENDLY IN FRONT. MUSICAL STING #24 (REDEEMER THEME)ALAN FRIENDLYThere! The San Diego vampires are before us! Present Redeemers!CREW MEMBERS RAISE THEIR WEAPONSALAN FRIENDLYSend those mothersuckers back to hell, boys! Fire at will!CREW FIRES WEAPONS. QUICK CUTS OF DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART WITH STAKES, DUMMIES STUCK IN THE HEART IN SLOW MOTION, DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART IN BLACK-AND-WHITE WITH DRIPPING BLOOD EFFECT #3 (BLOODY VENETIAN BLINDS)ALAN FRIENDLYEquipped and confident, we set back out on the trail. Last week we learned that two individuals, quite possibly a vampire and his ghoul, robbed a bloodmobile outside the San Diego Convention Center. A convention center that was playing host to the largest pop-culture gathering in the world, Comic-Con International.MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM PAST CONS, COURTESY OF COMIC–CON INTERNATIONALALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Comic-Con: four days of sights, frights, and delights in the heart of San Diego—
"They’re stalling," said Cat. "They must not have anything good this week."
"No," said Sejal.
"I really didn’t mean to…eat your head?"
"Do you not say that here?"
"I don’t know, but I’m saying it every chance I get now."
"I did not mean to snap. I’ve been testy. I thought I should try to like Doug. But I think I understand now that he is not my sort for a number of reasons. Jay is nicer."
Cat nodded. "And kind of more fun when Doug isn’t around. Hey, you’re not gonna like Jay now, are you? Not that it wouldn’t be okay, but…"
"No. It would not be good for me to date a boy with an Intel Quad Core with E-Line connectivity."
"Right. Hey, stormtroopers."EXT. THE BEACH — A REGIMENT OF STORMTROOPERS RUN DRILLSALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)On Mission Beach we caught up with two Imperial Stormtroopers of the 501st Legion, who were attendees at the convention. Do you remember any people who could have conceivably been vampires?STORMTROOPER #1Dude, tons. (to Stormtrooper #2) You remember that vampiress with Arcade Comics? She was all kinds of hot.STORMTROOPER #2Totally. Her <bleep> were all (motions with hands)…can I say <bleep>?ALAN FRIENDLYNot on basic cable.STORMTROOPER #1Remember those slave Leias that posed for that big group photo with Jabba?STORMTROOPER #2(laughing) They weren’t vampires.STORMTROOPER #1Oh, right. Vampires. Well, there was that old lady dressed as Elvira.STORMTROOPER #2That was Elvira.STORMTROOPER #1And there was that guy dressed like that guy from Dark Shadows.STORMTROOPER #2And that girl dressed like that girl from that video game.ALAN FRIENDLYThese are not the vampires we’re looking for.