“She wasn't supposed to be in Wally's car!” his mom said, and burst into tears.
They all stood that way for a long, frozen moment. Ben turned and walked out.
“Ben!” his father called, but Ben didn't even glance back. “Ben!”
His father started to go after him. Alex heard the swinging doors open and looked up to see a guy in green surgical scrubs coming through. The guy said, “Katie Treven's family?”
Alex's parents rushed over to him. Ben turned and came back in the room. Alex, terrified, forced himself to stand.
“We're Katie's parents,” Alex's father said, his voice low, his jaw hardly moving. “How is she?”
“She's in post-op,” the guy in scrubs said, and Alex's mom's hands flew to her mouth, stifling a sob. She sagged against his dad. His dad was breathing in and out like a locomotive. Tears were suddenly running down his face.
“I'm Dr. Rosen,” the guy in scrubs said. “Let's go somewhere we can talk.”
Dr. Rosen led them to a small room off the waiting room. There were chairs, but no one sat.
“Your daughter sustained severe trauma to the head,” Dr. Rosen said. “There was bleeding, and we had to operate to relieve the pressure.”
Alex's mom had a fist pressed so tightly to her mouth her arm was shaking.
“Is she…” Alex's dad asked, but he couldn't finish.
“We've done everything we could,” Dr. Rosen said. “But I have to caution you, at this point I'm not optimistic about Katie's chances. You have to prepare yourself for the worst.”
A sound escaped from Alex's mom's throat, high-pitched, something like a hiccup. She twisted her fist savagely against her lips.
Alex felt the tears well up again and this time he couldn't stop them. He glanced at Ben. His brother's mouth was a thin pale line. Of the four of them, he was the only one not crying.
“Can we see her?” his dad whispered.
Dr. Rosen nodded. “Of course. She isn't conscious, though. She's bandaged and there's a lot of bruising. She's also intubated-a tube in her mouth.”
Alex understood that Dr. Rosen was telling them all this to prepare them. He was glad for the warning. He wanted to be strong. Maybe he couldn't be as strong as Ben, but he wanted to try and he knew he needed every advantage.
Dr. Rosen led them down a corridor and into a private room. Ben was behind their parents. Alex, frightened and unsure of himself, brought up the rear.
For a second, Alex thought there had been a mistake, Dr. Rosen had taken them to the wrong room. The person in the hospital bed was unrecognizable-the head wrapped with bandages, the mouth agape around tape and a plastic tube, the eyelids shot purple and swollen shut.
And then, through the bandages and bruises and battered flesh, he recognized Katie. Katie. The tears didn't just well this time, they spilled from his eyes in a hot rush.
His mother dropped to her knees next to the bed and took Katie's hand. “Oh baby,” she whispered. “My sweet baby. My baby.”
His father moved around to the far side of the bed and took Katie's other hand. He didn't speak. Katie didn't stir.
Alex felt himself sweating. Why did they keep the room so hot? And his breath was coming very fast. He couldn't seem to slow it down.
Ben turned and looked at him. He put an arm around Alex's shoulders and gently led him out of the room.
They stood in the hallway, not speaking. Alex realized he was hyperventilating and he couldn't stop crying.
Ben eyes were still dry. He tousled Alex's hair. “You going to be okay?”
Alex nodded, but the compassion in his brother's gesture and voice made him cry harder. After a couple of minutes he had it mostly under control. The trick was to not think of how Katie had looked in that bed. How diminished and hurt and vulnerable. How… vacant.
Alex wiped his face against his sleeve. “Why didn't you drive her?” he asked. It was all he could think to say.
And suddenly Ben was right up in his face.
“I… didn't… do… anything… wrong!” he said, his voice rising to a shout.
Alex started crying again. Ben stalked off.
A little while later an alarm sounded from Katie's room. A whole team of doctors and nurses converged, and Alex's parents had to go out. Alex was too scared to ask what was happening. He thought he knew anyway and didn't want anyone to tell him he was right.
Ben came back. They all paced wordlessly.
Alex wanted someone to touch him the way Ben had when he led him from the room, but it seemed like everyone was keeping away from everyone else. His father kept trailing his fingers back and forth along the wall, as though trying to anchor himself to something. His mother had her knuckles knotted into her hair and looked like she was about to pull out fistfuls. Sometimes a shoe would squeak on the linoleum floor, but other than that the corridor was horribly silent.
Alex lost track of time. After a while, Dr. Rosen came out. Alex saw his face and instantly knew-another newfound, unpleasant adult realization.
“I'm very sorry,” Dr. Rosen said. “We did everything we could. I'm sorry.”
Alex saw the tension just go out of his mother's legs, and Ben leaped forward to support her. His dad was saying, Oh God, no. Oh my Christ, no. Dr. Rosen was telling them something about donating organs, and he was so sorry to press but Katie could give the gift of life to others, and they had to decide quickly. Alex tried not to think about what it meant that they might take Katie's organs, but he couldn't help imagining.
His parents went back into the room to say good-bye. Ben lingered for a moment, and Alex thought maybe he didn't want to leave Alex behind. But then he turned his back on Alex and followed his parents in. Alex wondered whether it was because he was mad at what Alex had said. But why hadn't he driven Katie? He was supposed to, his dad had said so. Why?
Alex stayed outside. He couldn't go in there again. He just couldn't. He didn't want to see his sister dead. He wished he hadn't gone in before. He couldn't get the image out of his mind.
Alex's recollections of the rest of the night were mercifully unclear. He remembered his parents fighting about Katie's organs. His father saying it's what Katie would have wanted, and how would they feel if it were Katie who needed the transplant? His mother shouting that they weren't going to cut up her little girl. In the end, they didn't sign the forms. Alex was secretly relieved.
There were more fights in the days after, and although they mostly happened from behind his parents’ closed bedroom door, Alex could hear plenty. Funeral arrangements. Where Katie should be buried. More about the organs, even though it must have been too late for that. Most of all, it was about Ben not driving her and whether Alex's dad had told him to.
Alex had never heard his parents fight this way, and it scared him. He wondered if it was possible they could even get divorced. He had friends whose parents were divorced, but he'd never thought it could happen to him. His parents had always seemed to love each other.
There was a funeral at Ladera Community Church, a burial at Alta Mesa Memorial Park in Palo Alto. Over five hundred people came to the funeral-teachers, neighbors, Ben's friends, Alex's friends, the entire junior class. Everyone loved Katie.
Come on, he thought. Drop it. Focus.
But it was hard to focus. The truth was, bad memories never died. No, at best they were quiescent, just waiting for the right circumstances to pop up like an evil jack-in-the-box and say, Miss me? Don't worry, I'm still here! And I'm not going anywhere, either. Never, ever.
He wondered whether it was like this for other people. Did everyone grapple with shit like this when they were stressed?
He wondered for a moment about Ben, about whether he was ever bothered by any of it. Yeah, right. The irony was stunning-the guy who caused all of it, including what happened afterward, probably slept like a baby at night.