“You want to believe that.”
He shook his head, and for a moment she thought he looked unaccountably sad.
“Look,” he said. “At the moment, we've got a delicate balance going. I think Hort meant it when he said he was standing down.”
“What about Osborne?”
“You know what happened to him.”
“And it could happen to me, right?”
“If you give Hort a reason, yeah, it could.”
“Are you threatening me?”
The sadness crossed his face again. “No. I don't want you to be afraid of me. That's the last thing I want.”
She looked away. She knew he was right. She knew what the government could get away with-hell, she'd been watching it happen for years. Going public, she had to admit, was more about her own dignity than effecting any real change.
And there was another reason for her reluctance. She didn't want to hurt Ben. More than any other, that reason shamed her, and the shame was making her angry.
“Yeah, well, you've got a funny way of showing it,” she said. “Sneaking into my room at the hotel, and now sneaking up on me here.”
She looked away. After a moment, she glanced back at him. It looked like he was trying not to smile. Maybe it was the reference to the hotel room. She had to admit, it was hard to stop thinking about it.
“You really want me to grovel, don't you?” he said.
She thought for a moment. “Don't you think you should?”
His expression grew serious. “Look,” he said, “what happened the other night… it couldn't have happened at a worse time for me. And it couldn't have been a better thing.”
“That's it?”
“I don't know. I'm not used to groveling.”
Now she was the one trying not to smile. “I think you should practice.”
“Okay, how about this? I want to see you again.”
She shook her head. “How's that going to work? Everything you stand for, I abhor.”
He glanced away and shook his head. She realized she'd been expecting one of his patented snappy answers, and the fact that he didn't have one, or didn't want to offer one, suddenly fascinated her.
“I mean, I don't even know where you live,” she said. “Where do you live? Do you live somewhere?”
“I move around a lot. But… I was thinking about spending some time in San Francisco for a while. Closer to home.”
“Yeah? How long?”
“I don't know. How long could you stand me?”
“I'm not sure.”
“It wouldn't be right away, necessarily. I wanted to stop in Manila first. Make sure my daughter knows she has a father. But after that. If you want.”
She didn't answer. She wasn't sure what was happening. She felt like she wasn't keeping up.
Their coffees came. She put milk and sugar in hers. Ben took a sip. “Hooah,” he said. “Is this how you bill all those hours?”
She shook her head. “I don't know how I do it.”
He looked at her. “It's not really you, is it?”
“I don't know.”
“What do you want to do instead?”
She sipped her coffee. “I'm working on that.”
He shrugged. “Take some time off. Travel. Figure things out.”
“You make it sound simple.”
“It is.”
“Oh, really?” she said. “Is that why you're going to Manila?”
“I have a few things to figure out, yeah.”
“Like?”
His eyes narrowed, and she wondered whether she was pushing too hard. But damned if she was going to let him talk down to her.
“Like what the hell happened this week,” he said, gravel in his voice. “Like whether I'm one of the good guys, like I always thought.”
She looked at him. “Well, why don't you just admit that, instead of acting like the advice is just for me?”
His expression softened. “I'm not used to admitting things. It's like groveling. But I'm willing to learn.”
She couldn't help smiling. They were quiet for a moment.
“You were right,” she said. “Afterward, it seemed like a dream. The rest of it, too.”
He nodded. “That's the way it works.”
“And then you showed up here. Am I dreaming again?”
“You're not dreaming.”
“Can you prove that?”
“Well, I could pinch you.”
She looked at him. “My apartment is two blocks from here. Why don't you pinch me there?”
They walked fast. She knew this was a bad idea, but she didn't care. And maybe she would never see him again, but she didn't care about that, either. She could figure the rest out later. And she would. She would figure it out. She was sure of it.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Once again I've written a book that has been made much better through the generous contributions of family and friends. My thanks to:
My agents, Dan Conaway and Simon Lipskar of Writers House, and editor, Mark Tavani of Ballantine, for seeing the promise in this story when it was not much more than an idea, and for helping me get it to where it is today.
Detective James Randol and Lieutenant J. R. Gamez of the San Jose Police Department, for answering all my questions, for providing some terrific ideas, for giving me a tour of the SJPD-and most of all for doing the incredibly important work they do.
Ernie Tibaldi, for continuing to generously apply thirty-one years of fieldwork with the FBI to the law enforcement issues in these books, and for helpful comments on the manuscript.
Warren Wolfeld of Haynes Beffel & Wolfeld LLP, for terrific tutorials on the inner workings of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and the whole process of applying for a patent, and for helpful comments on the manuscript.
Ashraf Hosseini, for sharing her family's story and answering all my questions about the Iranian immigrant experience in America-and for outfitting me in some stylish eyeglasses, too, at her wonderful Palo Alto store, A Site for Sore Eyes.
Hank Shiffman, for answering all my technology questions and coming up with quite a few excellent ideas of his own along the way; for expertly moderating my Web site discussion board; and for helpful comments on the manuscript. Come over to the dark side, Hank…
Dennis Volpano and Dave McAllister, for helpful background on network security and computer viruses, and Adam Young and Moti Yung for their excellent book Malicious Cryptography: Exposing Cryptovirology.
The extraordinarily eclectic group of “foodies with a violence problem” who hang out at Marc “Animal” MacYoung's and Dianna Gordon's www.nononsenseselfdefense.com, for good humor, good fellowship, and a ton of insights. A special thanks to Marc himself, for his continued insights into violence, operator mind-sets and behavior, and what makes people tick, and for helpful comments on the manuscript.
Vivian Brown, Alan Eisler, Judith Eisler, Montie Guthrie, Tom Hayes, Mike Killman, Lori Kupfer, novelist J. A. Konrath, Naomi Andrews and Dan Levin, Doug Patteson, Matt Powers, Owen Rennert, Ted Schlein, and the Man Called Slugg, for helpful comments on the manuscript and many valuable suggestions and insights along the way.
Most of all my wife, Laura, for the usual input into the story and terrific comments on the manuscript, but even more than that for putting up with my occasional obsessiveness (“Occasional?” she might say here) with nothing but love and goodwill.
AUTHOR's NOTE
Much of the backstory and many of the incidents recounted in this book are real. Here's a partial bibliography.
Defection of Iranian general Ali Reza Asgari: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1601814,00.html.
National Intelligence Estimate on Iranian nuclear efforts: http://www.dni.gov/press_releases/20071203_release.pdf.
Victor Litvinenko assassination by polonium radiation poisoning: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article756950.ece.
Rendition of Abu Omar from Milan: http://www.lrb.co.uk/v29/n15/foot02_.html.