There was almost nothing in his dull eyes. “Why would I want to do that?”
“Did you ever show that report to Patty?” Carol asked. “Did you ever tell her about it?”
Ronald Swain sighed tiredly. “Both of you have evidently mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. Why would I tell Patty? The only thing I might have done, if this had been ten years ago, is go knocking on your door”-he looked at me-“with Patty in tow and seen if you wanted to take her off our hands. Might have kept the two of us together. But now, with her grown up and all, what would be the point of that?”
Carol Swain looked from Ronald to me and offered up half a shrug, as if to say, “There you go.”
Ronald, looking at Carol, said, “You should give me a call. But here, not at home.”
“When this whole thing with Patty blows over,” she said, giving him a wink as she turned away.
It didn’t feel as though we’d been in the store all that long, but it was noticeably darker out when we got back into the car.
“Well, fuck me,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
“He read the file.” She shook her head. “He’s never been much of a reader.”
THIRTY-EIGHT
THERE WAS A POLICE CAR SITTING IN CAROL SWAIN’S DRIVEWAY when we turned the corner. I hit the Beetle’s brakes.
“Whaddya suppose they’re doing there?” she said. “Maybe they brought home Patty.”
She had her hand on the door handle, getting ready to bolt. I reached for her arm and held her.
“They’re probably looking for me,” I said. “Checking all the possible places I might turn up.”
Carol settled back into the car. “What do they want with you?”
“It’s a long story,” I said.
“I can hoof it from here if you want,” she said.
“I’d appreciate that,” I said. “And if they ask if you’ve seen me-”
“Seen who?” she said, and smiled. “I couldn’t turn in my daughter’s real-life father. What kind of mother would I be if I did that?”
“If the police find me right now,” I said, “they’re going to slow me down trying to find Syd.” I paused. “And Patty.”
“You think Patty’s mixed up with what happened to your girl?”
“I don’t know. I hope not.” I didn’t want to tell Carol I had a bad feeling about Patty. “Thanks for your help,” I said.
“No problem,” she said. She had her hand on the door again but didn’t push it open. “It was good to finally meet you. I mean, I know the circumstances are kind of shitty and all, but I’m glad to be able to talk to you, to tell you what you did for me, after all this time.”
I smiled awkwardly.
“I don’t blame you for not saying anything,” she said. “I wouldn’t know what to say, either.”
“I had to know I might be the biological father of some child out there somewhere,” I said. “So that part’s not a surprise. I guess I never expected to actually know the identity of one of them.”
She smiled ruefully. “There might be more. Maybe there’s hundreds of them running around out there. Little Tims and Timettes all over southern Connecticut.”
“I doubt that,” I said. “I think they limit just how much of the stuff they spread around.” I winced. “That didn’t sound right.”
Carol smiled. “That’s okay. But I can’t help wondering, if you’d been her father in every way, not just the biological, if she’d have turned out different. Whether she would have been such a screwup. So ungrateful, always getting into trouble.”
I felt maybe I was being blamed here. I wanted to ask whether Patty might have turned out differently if Carol’s husband had hung in, if Carol hadn’t turned into an alcoholic over the years.
That was what I wanted to say to her. But I didn’t because I did feel the blame.
I felt responsible.
Patty existed because of me. But I’d done nothing to help her since she came into the world.
I rested my hands on the steering wheel, looked at the Swain house shrouded in darkness, the cop car out front. “You make decisions years ago, not thinking they mean a great deal, and then years later…”
“It’s a bitch, isn’t it?” she said. Then, impulsively, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Tentatively, so as not to put any pressure on my injury. “If you find my girl, tell her to get in touch with her goddamn mother, would you do that for me?”
“Sure,” I said, my cheek cool where her lips had been.
As she slipped out of the car, my cell phone went off again. This time, I looked at the ID. I didn’t want to talk to Jennings again.
“Hello?” I said.
“Tim?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s Andy.”
“Yeah, Andy.”
I’d almost forgotten Andy was out there trying to find this elusive Gary. There’d been a lot of events in the last couple of hours that seemed to have overtaken his errand.
“Okay, so, I ended up leaving that other bar. Some guy said Gary didn’t hang out there anymore, he mostly goes to Nasty’s? You know the place?”
“I know of it.”
“So then I went there, and hung around a bit, and had a couple more beers, asked if anyone had seen him there.”
“Go on.”
“So anyway, I got a lead on where I can find him.”
“What’d you find out?”
“Okay, um, it’s kind of complicated, but I’m going back to the dealership to check something out.”
“The dealership?”
“Okay, so, I’m thinking, actually, that this guy might have gone for a test drive last summer with Alan?” One of the other salesmen. “And Gary’s card, with a work address and number, might be in Alan’s Rolodex on his desk.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to turn up at the dealership. The police might be looking for me there.
“What’s his last name, Andy? What did you find out about him?”
“Okay, I didn’t get a lot, and I can’t really talk right now. But can you meet me at the showroom? By the time you get there, I might have the info.”
“The showroom’s going to be all locked up.”
“I’ve got a key,” he said. “Give a loud rap on the service door and I’ll let you in.”
I wasn’t crazy about the idea. For a second, I wondered whether Andy could be setting me up. Maybe Jennings was behind this call. But I was so desperate for leads I decided to take the chance. “Okay,” I said. “Twenty minutes?”
“See you then.” Andy ended the call.
I started up the Beetle, listened to the engine rattle, then backed up to the corner so I wouldn’t have to drive past Carol’s house, where the police car still sat in the driveway.
Any info Andy had learned about Gary-a full name and maybe an address-might tip things in my favor. Even if it wasn’t something that led me directly to Syd, maybe it would be something that would give me leverage. Regardless, I had to avoid the police. They were more interested in finding me than Syd. I believed the only one who had a hope of finding her was me.
I drove past the dealership once, looking for cop cars, marked or unmarked. The used cars in the west end of the lot sparkled as brightly as the new models under the lights. Never buy a used car at night, my father used to say. All cars look good at night under streetlamps. While the lights in the lot were turned up, the lights inside the building were turned down. The showroom lighting was dimmed at night to save on the electric bill, but not to the point that you couldn’t see the cars or people moving around in there. I could just make out Andy sitting at his desk up near the glass.
I went down the road a block, turned around and came back. The glare from the Beetle’s headlights caught Andy’s attention. I parked around back, and before I even had a chance to bang on the service door, Andy was pushing it open from the inside.
“Hey,” he said. “Right on time. Where you been?”
“Around,” I said as I slipped inside and made sure the door was locked behind us. As we were walking past the service counter in the direction of the showroom, I said, “So did you find this card in Alan’s Rolodex?”