How did I tell her it was because of who she was and not what she had done? I had wanted to tell her many times, but what was the point? Making her wonder and worry was part of the thrill. I smiled when I thought about the day it all began…
* * *
TEN YEARS AGO
I liked to sweat.
No one ever really wanted to sweat because it made you messy and it made you smell. I liked to sweat because it was raw and because I couldn’t cry. Sweating was as good as I could give. It’s how I shed my anger and my feelings. Years later, I would learn it was pent-up aggression that I needed to release, and pushing past my limits was the way to do it, so I started with basketball. I discovered it a year ago when I stumbled upon some of the runners watching a game, and I was instantly drawn to it. Of course, I wasn’t ever given the chance to play. Not until much time had passed and my already messed up world spun on its axis, toppling me over in the process.
Who would have thought, not even the turn of events that brought me here would top the day the world really fucked me over.
It was the song.
That damn song.
And the voice that followed.
Today was the day I would meet my obsession.
No amount of training could have prepared me for this. I was so very fucked. Of course, I was only eight, so I wasn’t supposed to know the meaning of that word, but I did because I wasn’t a normal eight-year-old.
I am a slave.
Was a slave, I corrected. The jobs were gone, the men were gone, and she was gone. And I was here. Watching the little blonde bundle of happiness burst from the small yellow car, and frantically, dancing around without a care in the world or notice of anyone watching, including me.
Lily.
Wait… No. Lily is dead. I killed her.
I peered closer and realized it wasn’t Lily, but I wasn’t completely convinced. It had to be Lily.
How did she get here? And most importantly… why is she here?
Just then, she turned around, giving me a brief glimpse of her face before spinning around again, this time throwing her hands in the air.
Not Lily.
Then who?
The song cut off abruptly when an older lady, who didn’t look all that old, shut off the engine and stepped out of the car. She took the girl by her hand and led her toward the burger joint. I saw the glimpse of sadness flood the girl’s face as she was being led inside. Not long after, I would learn the name of the song and how it fit her so perfectly.
When the door closed behind them, I got the uncontrollable urge to jump from my bike and follow. I didn’t understand the need to see more of her, but I needed to meet the girl who looked so much like Lily.
Who is she? I swung my leg over my bike and stepped forward to follow.
“Hey, Keiran, wait up!”
I released an audible groan at the annoying kid who wouldn’t stop following me around. It just so happened to be we lived together too, and we were cousins.
He raced forward with a smile, but when he saw the look on my face, he came to a dead halt in his tracks, his smile dropping and replaced with a worried look. I started to smile as I watched him shift his feet and look away. Instead of coming closer, he then looked as if he would bolt in the other direction. Served him right. I needed to see the girl, but now I had to deal with him.
“What?” I yelled when he continued to stare.
“Nothing. I—I wanted to come play with you. I saw you take off with your ball. Do you think you can teach me how to play?”
“Why?” He shrugged his trembling shoulders, and I almost took pity on him. Almost. “Go away then. I don’t want to play with you. Why don’t you go draw or something?” He was always drawing and coloring, and when he wasn’t doing that, he was asking me to play with him. I don’t play.
“P—please?” His eyes lowered to the ground, but I could still see the tear escape and watched it fall onto his shirt. “My dad told me to go find you. He never wants me around. No one wants me around anymore. I think that’s why my mom ran away.”
He looked back up at me with hope in his eyes and his chest moving up and down rapidly. “I’ll be good and I’ll be fun, I promise! You won’t ever get tired of me.”
“I’m tired of you now, kid. Go away before I hurt you.” I turned away to pick up my bike but watched him out of my peripheral.
“Everyone is an enemy, kid. Everyone!”
I shook Frank’s voice out of my head in time to see Keenan’s eyes harden and narrow into slits, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see his fists ball. Interesting.
“You’re a kid, too. I’m not afraid of you.”
I laughed because I couldn’t help it, and I never laugh. “Yes, you are, and I’m not a kid.”
“You’re only a year older than me and—”
“Your mom’s dumb, and so is your dad. Maybe it’s better she’s dead. I could—”
I never got the chance to finish the rest before Keenan’s fist connected with my nose, knocking me down. My bike nearly fell on top of me.
“Don’t you call my mom and dad stupid!” he screamed. “She isn’t dead! Why did you say that?” He stood over me as I brought the back of my hand up to my face and then peered down at the crimson smear on my skin.
Blood.
Instead of the anger a normal person would feel, I smiled.
The little shit made me bleed.
I let the smile drop from my face before I looked back up at him. I quickly jumped to my feet causing him to take a step back warily.
“One on one?”
“Wha—huh?”
“Would you like to play one on one?”
“I… don’t you want to hit me back?”
I huffed and let my annoyance show on my face. I was just a little taller than he was so I could easily intimidate him if I wanted, but after what he had just shown me, I no longer had the desire to. I hated weak people, but this kid isn’t weak. He’s angry… and doing a damn good job of hiding it.
“Tell you what… if you can score a basket, I’ll never tell you why I said she’s dead. Deal?” I held out my hand for him to shake and waited.
He frowned and eyed me strangely before taking my hand. “Deal.”
* * *
Present Day
“One hundred and twelve. One hundred and thirteen. One hundred and fourteen.”
Sweat. Anger. Lake.
Up and down my arms went. I fought the images of her fucking face and her smell and her voice. I needed out of here.