There was a bitter taste in his dry mouth. What need had he to stay when Aurelia was not here? There was no point either in heading off on a wild-goose chase to find her. She was a married woman now, with a whole new life that he could never be part of. Any chance of finding Agesandros had vanished too. His best option was to return to his phalanx and his duty, and to forget them both. Try to forget them.
Fortuna was so capricious, he thought ruefully. He had threatened Phanes and made good his escape, but in the process been denied a chance ever to see Aurelia again. He hardened his heart. Mutt was right. There was no place for women in war. From now on, his only focus would be the Carthaginian cause.
Yet for all his resolve, Hanno felt a deep sadness as he walked away.
Chapter XII
North of Capua
Aurelia regarded her own face in the bronze mirror. Her complexion was good at the moment: her face unmarked by her inner turmoil. Even her hair, which Elira was brushing, had a lustrous gloss to it. It was as if her body had decided to act in the opposite manner to the way she felt, which was isolated and miserable. There was another reason that might lie behind how well she looked, but Aurelia didn’t want to think about that. Better for the moment to wallow in her loneliness — her new and constant companion. It wasn’t surprising. Her new abode was in the countryside, in a household of slaves whom she didn’t know. Lucius’ mother had long since passed away, and his father was a crusty old man whose only interest lay in the running of his estates. Lucius, whose company she now felt wary of, was rarely present either. Family business and political dealings kept him in Capua much of the time. When he was home, he tended to spend his days with his father, or out on the farm. They slept together, but the bedroom activity tended to be physical rather than verbal. Aurelia didn’t know why this was. She suspected it was because that they were now man and wife. Other than trying to get her with child, there was no need for him to make any effort with her. Although she still didn’t love Lucius, she missed the attention he had showered upon her. It was possible that she had the power to change the way he acted towards her, but Aurelia wasn’t ready to share her secret with him yet.
There was an occasional dry letter from her mother, which helped a little. Her father was alive; he was serving with the legions who shadowed Hannibal’s forces; there had been no further word from Quintus; the olives had been harvested, and preparations for winter on the farm were going well. There had been no sign of enemy troops in their area of Campania, which justified Atia’s decision to return home with Agesandros and the slaves. Not a word about Phanes, which she hoped meant that her mother was managing to meet his payments. The news eased Aurelia’s isolation only a fraction. If it hadn’t been for Elira, who had stayed with her after the wedding, her loneliness would have been unbearable.
Despite sharing many confidences with the Illyrian, Aurelia had not yet let her in on her innermost thoughts either. Her eyes flickered, studying Elira’s profile behind her, brush in hand, deft strokes freeing her hair from the tangles that had formed overnight. She would have to mention it soon, she decided, or Elira would guess. She wouldn’t be able to conceal her pregnancy much longer. At first, Aurelia had been unsure. Lucius had lain with her enough times but she had somehow felt sure that his seed would not have taken root. That had been but wishful thinking. A second month had gone by without the usual bleeding and her confidence had turned to anxiety. Of recent days, her belly had begun to tighten a fraction. Some mornings, she felt a little nauseous. The last of her doubts had been dispelled. Before long, the swelling would be impossible to miss, especially when she bathed. Soon, thought Aurelia, I will have to tell Elira soon. And Lucius. Or to act. Guilt filled her that she could even contemplate such a thing, yet the thought wouldn’t go away. Aurelia didn’t wish the baby any harm; the idea kept popping up because she had not resigned herself completely to the cold reality of her life as Lucius’ wife. Thus she had not been able to stop herself eavesdropping on the kitchen slaves talking about ending unwanted pregnancies: they used rue, but Aurelia had no idea where to find such a plant, how to prepare it or even what dose to take. There were old women in back alleyways in Capua who dealt in herbs and potions, but she had no pressing reason to go to the city. Her duty was to remain here, unless Lucius took her with him. Stop it! she commanded herself. Her pregnancy had not come about through violence or mistreatment. There was no point in trying to terminate it. Apart from anything, the process was dangerous. Her mother had told her once of a slave who had bled to death after a botched attempt at abortion.
And if she lost the baby, she would just have to get pregnant all over again. That would be Lucius’ — and everyone else’s — wish. Her purpose now was to provide his family with a male heir, and as soon as possible. Atia’s words came back to her. If she could carry a baby to term, and, even better, swiftly produce a second and a third child, her existence would become much easier. Lucius would leave her alone. Her life would be filled with the joy of raising her family. If Fortuna granted her favour, she might even find a lover, someone who thought of her not as a brood mare, but a woman. It was hard not to think that doing nothing was the best course of action. An image of Hanno came to mind, but, ruthless, Aurelia shoved it away. The bitter truth of it was that she would never see him again. Would never spend her life with him. It had to be better to accept her situation as it was. Otherwise she would condemn herself to a life of utter misery, in which the only fleeting happiness to be had was in her head — and that was the path to madness.
It was for the best that she was expecting Lucius’ child, she decided. That was part of her job now. Slyly, she slipped a hand to her belly. A thrill of excitement — of joy — touched her. It still didn’t feel real that she could have a baby growing within her. I will carry this child to term. For all that it is Lucius’, it will be mine too. And I will love it and cherish it, boy or girl. That will be my task in life. The decision pleased her. This was an area that lay, as so much else did not, within her control.
‘You look happy, mistress,’ said Elira.
Startled, she masked her expression. ‘Do I?’
The Illyrian regarded her through the mirror. ‘Yes. I thought I saw the hint of a smile, and the gods know that you don’t do that often.’
Aurelia scrambled for a plausible lie. ‘I like you brushing my hair. It looks good.’
‘You don’t normally smile when I do it.’
‘Well, today I am enjoying it,’ Aurelia declared in a tone that brooked no argument.
Elira’s eyebrows arched, but she said nothing.
Aurelia considered telling the Illyrian now, but immediately decided against it. They were in too public a place: just outside the marital bedroom, which gave on to the main courtyard. To have any chance of beautifying herself well — something she had taken to doing since her marriage — Aurelia needed daylight, hence her current position, on a stool. She had grown used to the slaves’ stares and, in time, they to her ritual. The majority now didn’t give her a second glance as they moved to and fro, performing their daily duties, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t eavesdrop on her conversation. It could wait until later, when she took her usual walk with Elira to the nearby river.