I’d been so desperate to believe him that I didn’t trust myself and what I was seeing with my own eyes.
My strength and confidence, which had built over the time we’d been together, was leached away by the thoughts of deceit and lies. I hid in the closet trying to keep the outside world at bay for as long as I could, even long after my legs and butt begged me to move. My needy bladder was what finally broke me.
After relieving myself, I went about my house straightening things, trying to find some sense of normalcy where nothing else was okay. When I plugged my phone into the charger, I saw I had a slew of missed calls and texts. I didn’t bother checking them. They would be from John and I didn’t have the heart to face him.
In fact, I didn’t find the strength to face him for over two weeks. I called in sick, stating a family emergency, even though I had no family worth missing a single day of work for. Since I never took a vacation, I had more than enough paid time to use. The entire two weeks I stayed holed up in my apartment. I was barely eating, so I didn’t need to go to the store to get food.
At the end of two weeks, I felt no better than I had when I started the time away, so it was with a heavy heart that I started looking for new employment. I loved where I worked, but I refused to stay where I would be forced to see the man who’d broken my heart.
When I returned to work, I put on heavy makeup to help cover the bags under my eyes and the fact I’d lost some weight. The only person who noticed was Jennifer, and even though she peppered me with questions, I shrugged them off with single-word answers or ignored them altogether. Finally she got the hint that I didn’t want to talk and left me alone.
After having so much time off, I was booked solid, one appointment straight into another. The following week I’d be running to keep up with all the events that were booked, but it was good. The more work I had to do, the less time my brain could dedicate to rehashing the same thoughts that had been circling in my head.
I was broken.
My old, comforting habits came back. I found myself escaping more than four times a day to the bathroom while at work to masturbate. I couldn’t do it in my office as my appointments were too closely booked. There was no pleasure from it, but I found it helped bring a tiny bit of my old self back. Memories of doing the same thing for many years brought me comfort that I was still me. I was still okay in some small corner of my brain.
I didn’t think about John during those times; I knew he’d be mad at me if he knew, but I was mad at him so all it ended up doing was making me twist and pinch myself painfully, making it harder to get off on the next trip I made to the bathroom.
I made it over a week back at work before I spotted him. Since he’d tailored his hours to mine when we were together I knew when he’d be coming or going and made sure to be out of sight at those times. I had appointments well into the night as I tried to play catch-up, and one night when I was cleaning up to leave, it was after ten when I looked up and spotted him.
He hadn’t seen me and I ducked behind my desk. As usual, he was dressed impeccably in a suit and an all-knowing smile that made every woman drool over him. Every woman but me. It tore my heart out to see he looked as good as he had the day I’d left.
Once I was sure he was gone, I collapsed into my chair and fought to hold back the tears that threatened for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t cried for him. I refused to. Too many times I had let tears fall for myself. Obviously even after months of my full dedication to him, I wasn’t enough, and that’s all I had to offer him. Tears would do nothing to change it.
Grabbing my purse, I locked my office and walked through the lobby. Jennifer waved me over.
“Alix, you need a night out. Let’s go get wasted and relax some. Come on, it’ll be a good time. You need a good time,” she pleaded with me. She’d been begging me to tell her what was going on. She’d deduced that whatever had been between John and I had ended, but hadn’t pushed for details. She really was becoming a friend and showing me she wanted to be there for me.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. I was exhausted, but I was constantly that way since I couldn’t sleep.
“It’ll help you feel human again, I promise. We’ll leave when you want to leave. Just get out of your house and office for a few hours.” She clasped her hands together and pushed out her bottom lip in a pout.
“Okay, as long as we leave when I say I want to leave.” I gave in as a loud, annoying burst of feminine laughter filled the lobby. The sound was familiar and made my blood freeze. Turning on my heel, I spotted Mariah. She was dazzling as usual. Her hair sparkled in the lights as she moved, her makeup looking spotless as her tight dress hugged every curve of her perfect body that was elongated by spiked heels. She held a phone to her ear as she moved through the open room.
“I can’t wait, sir. I’m on my way up to you. I don’t need dinner, I need you after the long day we had.” She paused as if listening to something on the other end of the line. “Absolutely, sir. I want to be so sore I can’t sit down tomorrow without remembering having you over me. It’ll keep my panties wet and praying you’ll ask me to come into your office for a session of our own.”
I closed my eyes as she moved far enough away I couldn’t hear her as she waited for the elevator.
“Yeah, I think I need a drink,” I told Jennifer, who gave me a sad smile as she collected her things.
We went to her house, where I refused to change into one of her ridiculous outfits. Instead, I shed my jacket, figuring the tank top I had on underneath would work fine. It was a bit see-through, but I wore a bra so there wasn’t much to show. After trading out my skirt for a pair of her jeans, I deemed myself ready. My hair was pulled up into a tight bun since I refused to wear it down. Anything that would normally please John, I did the opposite. I didn’t want to attract him; I didn’t even want to think about him.
Jennifer pulled on a skimpy skirt that showed off her body before fluffing her hair. She took me to a bar that wasn’t far. I’d never been there, but I hadn’t been in ninety percent of the local bars. Once we made it through the crowd, we both sat on stools along the bar top.
As usual, Jennifer held the conversation through our first two drinks. The woman could talk, and talk she did. I was thankful she wasn’t relying upon me to really answer or interact to keep up the flow of chatter since my head was a mess. After our first two drinks, though, I felt everything loosening and relaxing for the first time in weeks. Halfway through our third drink, I found myself talking about John.
“I miss him,” I slurred slightly before taking another pull off my drink.
“Go get your man then.” Jennifer acted as if it was so simple.
“I can’t. I’m pretty sure he’s fucking his secretary and I’m nothing compared to her.” I leaned my elbows on the table as I shook my head.
“I don’t even need to see her to know you’re better than her.” Jennifer looked me up and down even though she couldn’t see my lower half, which was hidden by the table. “You just don’t see how amazing you are.”
“Wait until you see her. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Plus, I don’t need a man who cheats. Even if she is better looking than me, he should have the balls to break up with me first.” I glared at my drink, seeing his face in it. I slammed back what was left in the glass so I didn’t have to see it anymore.
“You’re right there, girl. No woman should have to put up with a cheater.” She waved her arm for another round.
We had moved away from the bar to a small table so our conversation wouldn’t be heard by everyone.
“Since you’re over, you have to tell me… Is he packing heat? Or is it all for show?” Her glossy eyes dilated. I could tell she was thinking about all the naughty things she wanted to do to him between the sheets. Jealousy flared inside me, but I shoved it back since I no longer had any rights to him.