Chapter 14
John
This was it. Alix was in my office. It’d been painfully hard for me to play an impartial party when she’d shown up for online counseling the night before. I had followed her to the bar and made sure she returned home by herself. If she had tried to bring someone home with her I probably would’ve gone insane, but she didn’t. She was alone when she arrived at her place and I sat in my car just feet from her to act as her counselor, the exact reason I had a mobile hotspot. I had no idea where she’d gotten the idea I was cheating on her, except for the lipstick, which confused me still. Unfortunately, she wasn’t willing to divulge such information online.
As hard as it was, I tried to go about my normal business meeting with clients the following day, but when she’d shown up I’d told the couple in my office I had a family emergency that needed to be handled immediately and they’d understood. I’d dismissed Mariah so it’d only be the two of us. I was to the point where I was willing to do something I’d never once in my life done — get down on my knees and beg her to let me try to explain.
Then before I could even get everything gathered and secured so I could spend the rest of the day with her, she was gone. Just that fast something had spooked her and she’d run from me again.
I couldn’t help but notice in the brief moments when I’d laid eyes on her, that she’d still been wearing my pearls; somewhere deep within her, she still belonged to me. It was the only thing that gave me the strength to turn from her. I wished I hadn’t.
While I didn’t know exactly what it was that had spooked her, it broke the last, lonely piece of me free of the control I normally held so dear. I could feel the last essences of myself spiral out of reach into the dark, warped zone I’d been living in since she’d discovered the lipstick on my neck. The lipstick smudge I still couldn’t figure out.
The last vestige of me disappeared and I felt the deep, dark past surge over me, taking me to a place I hadn’t visited in a long time. A horrible state of mind I’d hoped never to revisit, but the loss of the single thing that matter to me, broke me. My carefully constructed world of control collapsed under the strain of my splintered heart.
I was no longer the man I strove and struggled to be, but the broken, abused child I’d grown up as. My knees gave way as I collapsed to the floor, gasping for breath. Feelings I’d banished surged forward to engulf me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was driving at a high rate of speed. Swerving my car through the other meaningless beings going about their boring lives, I had only one place I needed to be. The only place that would help me find some peace of mind. I didn’t want to go there, but I couldn’t stop myself.
My mind screamed for me for me to turn around and chase Alix, but the meager pieces I could pull together knew I had nothing to offer her. She didn’t want the chaos that I was. She deserved a man who was better put together, one who could give himself freely. Someone I’d never be. My youth had been too horrible to leave me whole. I’d given her every part of me that I could, every part of me that deserved to be shared with the world, but it had gone horribly wrong somewhere.
I couldn’t think of the dominant I’d become to control the world. Couldn’t think of the multi-degreed professional. No, seeing the love of my life run from me like I was the scum of the earth made me feel like I was back to the child who deserved every punishment he received because he couldn’t do good enough.
Pulling into the parking lot of Scene, I shrugged out of my coat and removed my cufflinks before exiting my car. I wasn’t there to play Dom. I was there for something I hadn’t sought in years.
Punishment.
Alix’s rejection was a punishment in one form but I was looking for another type that I couldn’t get anywhere else.
When I walked in, I handed over my wallet and keys and requested a Dom. The woman behind the counter flushed, but nodded, handing me a pair of leather cuffs to put around my wrists to let everyone know that I was a submissive seeking a dominant.
Once I entered the playroom, it didn’t take long for me to start getting offers. Before I could accept any of them, though, I was interrupted by my friend, the owner of Scene, Gabe.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he barked at me, crossing his arms over his wide chest.
“I don’t know what you mean, sir.” I dropped to my knees and bowed my head.
His fingers slipped into my short hair, but somehow managed to grip it tightly enough to jerk my head back so I looked at him.
“You are a Dom, not a sub. What kind of game are you playing here?” Gabe growled fiercely at me, lowering his face toward mine.
“No, sir. I am here as a submissive looking for a dominant tonight,” I breathed, arching into the burn sparking in my scalp as he pulled harder. I didn’t expect him to remember my past, as I was hesitant to share it with anyone. However, I had told him years ago every detail of my past while he whipped me; even then he didn’t believe I had the capability to be a submissive, but I’d shown him I did that night.
“What the fuck, John? Snap out of this shit. You haven’t needed the whip in years, why now? Talk to me,” he pleaded, releasing my hair to rub both hands over his face.
“NO,” I yelled loudly, drawing the attention of those around me. “I don’t wish to speak of it. I need to forget, sir.”
Gabe let out a heavy sigh and nodded. He knew he wasn’t going to talk me out of it.
“I’ll let Munch know.” Gabe strode out of the room. Munch wasn’t the man’s real name, it was his Dom name. He was a sadist and he very much so enjoyed doling out as much pain as a submissive could take.
“Well, well. Look at the little bitch who needs a few licks of my whip.” I knew it was Munch from the previous encounters we’d had. “Get to my cross now, you worthless piece of shit.”
Finally I felt peace settle over my mind as I fully handed over my control to him. I didn’t have to think, I simply had to act, to do as instructed. Munch knew my submissive needed the humiliation to feel complete. I couldn’t completely submit until I was made to feel as low as possible.
Scrambling to my feet, I moved toward the cross until I felt a heavy boot kick out my knee, making me fall to all fours.
“Did I say you could walk? Do you think you are worthy of being at my height? No, you aren’t, you lazy son of a bitch.” Munch followed as I crawled to the stage that was specifically his.
I could feel eyes on me, people watching me. I closed my eyes, letting the shame sink in.
Once I reached the stage, I clambered onto it and waited to be told I could stand. Munch grabbed an ear and yanked me to my feet while a groan slipped from my lips.
“On the cross now, boy.” Munch released me and pain radiated through the side of my face from where he’d tugged. I positioned myself with arms and legs spread wide so he could shackle me to the heavy, wooden cross.
Stepping back, he held a knife in my face, dragging it along my cheek.
“Don’t move or I’ll be forced to show you how sharp this is.” He moved the knife to the collar of my shirt and made quick work of slicing through it, then each of my sleeves. It fell to the ground in a heap of scraps. Using the sharp point, he trailed it over my skin to randomly push it into me, but not enough to draw blood. “Think that since you are grown now you’re some bad shit, don’t you?”